Page 56 of Don't Leave Me
I sat up and brought my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them tightly.
“Because I feel so much,” I said.
That was the problem. The thing I’d hoped, maybe, wouldn’t be true. Because I loved Danny now, I had this idea I might love Marc less. That love was a pie cut into sections. Cutting away a big piece for my baby, might make me more capable of handling whatever little Marc was willing to give me.
But love wasn’t a pie, and, after one time of having him again, having him move inside my body again, I was crushed.
The tears welled up again, and I turned my head away from him so he couldn’t see them.
“I think you should go,” I said hoarsely.
“Talk to me, Ash.”
I shook my head and sniffed. “What’s left to say?”
I felt him come around my body, felt his chest against my back even as I tried to pull myself into a tighter ball.
“Was I too rough?” he asked softly.
“It’s not about sex, Marc. It’s about how you make me feel. I don’t know if…I thought it might be different now that I have Danny, but we proved it’s not different. It’s always the same. It’s all-consuming, and I don’t know if I can do it anymore.”
“I don’t understand what that means, babe. We’re here. We’re together. We have a son. That’s all we have to do.”
I shook my head. “I love you, Marc. I’ve always loved you. And you want me. And you need me. And I make you feel alive. But I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I don’t know if I can continue to be this well of love you drink from, but never give back. I thought I had to leave you because you would never forgive me. I believed that because I don’t trust you to love me. Not the way I love you, and it hurts. It hurts so much. ”
“Ash,” he sighed, and I felt his lips press at a spot between my shoulders, and my body shuddered with reaction. Of course it did.
“I told you that day at the park, the day you found out about Danny. I told you to think about how you promised me, almost like a vow, you would never love me. I’d resigned myself to a life without you. But having you here, like this, it’s almost harder.”
“Don’t say that,” he said, and I could feel the tension in his body.
“We were almost free of each other, Marc.” I told him. “We can be again. This time by choice.”
“Fuck that.” His arms hugged me tighter.
