Page 45 of Don't Leave Me
11
Later that night
Marc
It was justafter ten and I told myself it was too late to text. I was lying in bed thinking about Ash, thinking about Danny being a star football player someday, thinking about if I wanted to get serious about investigation work, or if I wanted to take Benfield up on his offer for a more career-minded job. If I could even do that remotely from Florida.
Because Ash had a business here, a home here, and I hadn’t once heard an uneasy breath from her, so her asthma seemed to be under control here. I should have asked her about it. If it had been a problem during pregnancy. Who had been there to coach her in her breathing?
Finally, I thought, fuck it. I had questions, so I would ask them. She was there, alive, around the corner from me, and even that separation suddenly felt like too much. If she was asleep, she wouldn’t answer, but if she was awake, I was fairly certain she wouldn’t ignore me.
Me:It occurred to me I haven’t heard you wheezing at all. Does that mean your asthma is better under control here?
It was probably not healthy, the level of anticipation I felt waiting to see if she would return my text. When I saw the dots, I made this sound of unexpected relief.
Ash:Yes. I found a new doctor who recommended a daily prescription. He said I wasn’t being treated with the most current medicine. One more way Arthur failed me.
Me:Do you need to see his grave? Do you need that for closure?”
Ash:No. George is my father. He’s my family.
I couldn’t help but ask the obvious question.
Me:What am I?
There was a delay in her response. Which made sense because it wasn’t an easy answer. It never had been between us.
Ash:You’re Marc.
I chuckled, and decided to let her off the hook with that. We were still working on what we would be to each other.
Me:I liked it better when we were talking about sex.
Ash:You really took me off guard.
Me:Good. Name something about me that you missed.
Ash:Everything. I missed all of you, Marc. But I think most was the expression you get on your face when you’re determined about something. It always gave me a feeling everything was going to be okay. Name something you missed.
I smiled at the question because it meant she was engaging me. Not just answering my questions, but now asking them, too. When I thought about what I missed about her, it was hard to define it. It was her life force. It was her love. It was the assurance in the world that I wasn’t ,and would never be, alone. The way I was the day the cops had taken me away from my mother and put me with CPS.
Me:I missed the way you sound when you come. It’s not some girly sigh, but instead, it’s this deep breathy groan.
Ash:Stop!
Me.No!
Ash:I can’t do this with you.
Me:You did it with me all the time. In person, over the phone. I still owe you payback for that time you faked it.
Ash:You got soooo mad :)
I smiled again. Not because she’d sent me a stupid smiley face, but because now she was engaging me with those memories, too.
Me:I owe you an orgasm. No matter what happens between us, THAT has to happen so I can even the score.
Ash:What if I just make myself come thinking about you? I would say that counts.
