Page 34 of Don't Hate Me
Immediately, she started crying into my chest. Deep, heaving sobs I feared would trigger an asthma attack.
“Calm down, Ash. Breathe. Easy in, and out. In and out.”
“I’m sorry,” she hiccupped, working to catch her breath. “I just know...”
“What do you know?”
What could she possibly know? She thought we were going to hang out for a few hours. That I was going to fuck her and kiss her, then send her on her way. She had no idea I was going to end this.
End us.
“We need to break up,” she said, taking a step back, using her shirt sleeves to wipe the tears from her eyes.
The words were like an explosion in my brain. Not because I was surprised she was the first one to say it. It was because she knew, like she always did, exactly where my head was.
Did she know where my heart was, too?
“Yeah,” I said, letting go the breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding.
“You don’t believe in us enough. Not yet,” she declared. Her chin lifted as if she dared me to defy her.
I bowed my head and closed my eyes. How did I tell her I didn’t believe in me?. Because of that, I couldn’t be part of anus. If I ever had a chance, it might be with her. But her father was never going to give us that.
“Ash, I can’t see how this ends,” I told her.
“I can. But I can’t make you see it if you don’t. You’ll hurt. Like you did when I was in Switzerland, but this will be worse, because it has to be final. No texts, no calls, no communication. It’s the only way.”
I nodded. It was the only way. The only way to stop us from falling into the habit of us.
Not speaking to Ash. Not knowing if she was okay.
I shook my head then. “No, I can’t do it.”
She smiled sadly and patted my chest with her hand. “You’ll be okay. We both will. I promise. Now, let’s go.”
I felt dazed. Almost concussed. Like I couldn’t think and really needed to right now. I needed to be the one in charge. A person who could be strong for her, but, instead, she was taking me by the hand and leading me out of the airport to the parking garage.
“Where are we going?”
“You got us a room, didn’t you?” she asked.
I had. I thought there was going to be more crying. More…objection. I figured we would need some privacy to hash it all out. I didn’t expect she would make this so easy for me.
Of course she did. Because she would do anything for me.
“Then we’re going to go have break-up sex. I’ve been reading up on it and it’s supposed to be really intense. Anyway, it’s how I want to say goodbye.”
The word didn’t translate.Goodbye?There was going to be a goodbye at the end of this day, and I wasn’t going to talk to her again.
Her new rules.
When I hadn’t even gotten a chance to follow any of her old ones. I’d never sent one damn present to her secret PO box. I could have done at least that. One fucking box of chocolates.
“Okay,” I agreed. “This is how we’ll say it. Then we both can be done.”
Her bottom lip wobbled, but she nodded her head tightly.
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