Page 102 of Totally Wrecked
I want to so badly.
That’s when I realize I can give him a half-truth. Just being able to talk a little bit will go some way to me moving on—I hope.
“I was having a flashback to a time I was…assaulted.”
He strokes my hair and I feel his arms tighten. “Can you talk about it?”
Gray starts to rock me again.
“I- I don’t know.”
“Have you ever talked about it?” he asks me.
I shake my head and bury myself into his chest again.
We rock in silence.
After a while Gray starts to talk.
“I was assaulted, and didn’t tell anyone for more than ten years,” he says. “But eventually, I told Rex. Obviously it didn’t make what happened any better, but it made me feel more in control. Before that, I had this sick secret, and I felt like I was constantly living a lie, but telling Rex about the times I was assaulted, it allowed me to take back some of my power.”
My breath hitches. “Oh, Gray.”
“And then Rex convinced me to go see a therapist, so yeah, that helped too.”
I feel him kiss the top of my head. “So, have you talked about it with anyone?” he asks again.
“I haven’t,” I whisper.
“Try telling me, just a little. I’m a vault, your secrets are safe with me.”
“I know... I know I can trust you.It’s hard to talk about, but…”
He just continues to hold me, letting me decide if I am going to continue speaking or not. Eventually I take a deep breath and start speaking.
“It’s really complicated, Gray. This man, he…well there was some terrible communication and he thought I wanted him to, you know, have sex in a violent way, but I didn’t want that at all. It wasn’t his fault, though. It was mine…I couldn’t tell him to stop.”
“Honey, no. No blaming yourself. He should have been able to tell you didn’t want it. Communication around sex isn’t all verbal. Especially if you are playing some rough games—you need safe words, and boundaries set beforehand, and moments of checking in…”
I can’t help but think Gray would be a very good person to play sexy games with, considering his sex best-practices.
“You are right, but there were kinda extenuating circumstances. I feel like such an idiot. And I feel like I have no right to be upset about what happened.”
“Daisy, if you didn’t want to have rough sex, then you have every right to be upset that it happened. Even if you started out wanting it and then changed your mind, there is no gatekeeping around trauma. Yes, it may have all been a misunderstanding, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that you were assaulted and your body and mind are still healing. Obviously they are, otherwise you wouldn’t still be having flashbacks. Was it a long time ago?”
“No. It was reasonably recently.”
“Oh, sweet baby.”
I cling to him and cry some more. Gray shifts me in his arms.
“I’m sorry, I’m hurting you.”
“No, sweetheart, I promise you are not. I’ll hold you all day, all week, allyearif you like.”
“What happened in your past, if you don’t mind me asking?”
He is quiet for a moment, and I feel like I said the wrong thing, then he begins to speak.
