Page 30 of Surprise Baby for Mr. Fischer
“That’s awfully young to make such a big decision.” Her soft voice was like a gentle caress, urging me on. She sat next to me and laid a hand gently on my thigh.
“When you’re raised by people who are so self-absorbed they forget they have a kid half the time, it clouds your views on parenting. They didn’t care about me—only their next fix.”
Harper gasped.
My chest tightened, my mind already reliving that painful day. “I found them when they OD’d. I thought they had forgotten me again. They’d promised to pick me up from school and when they didn’t show up, I was pissed. I walked home, becoming even angrier at them with each step, until I stormed into their recording studio and found them overdosed on heroin. It hurt more because they’d just started to seem to take an interest in me. I thought they’d finally be there—be real parents—and then they were gone. In the end, their need for a fix was more important.”
“I’m so sorry, Lincoln.”
I shrugged. “Every other time it happened, I’d been able to call for help. But that time ... I was too late.”
“It wasn’t your fault.” I hated the pity in her voice. “I know you must feel guilty, but—”
“But I don’t.” I shook my head, hating to tell her the rest. Knowing she’d think less of me and decide I didn’t even deserve a place in our child’s life. “I still feel what I felt back then. Relief. If I was such a disappointment as a son, how could I possibly be a good father?”
Harper sat in silence. Her gaze shifted to the floor and a tiny frown marred her face. I could see her walls coming back up. I’d known this was going to happen. She was smart. She’d figured out it would be better for me to step aside.
In case she had any doubts about walking away from me, I thought I should lay out all the terrible things I felt and had kept hidden all this time. She should know she made the right decision. “I didn’t want kids because I never wanted to put that kind of responsibility on another living person. What if I turned out to be just as selfish as my parents? Show business is in my blood. What else is in there? I don’t want to screw this kid up, Harper. No child should feel like they’re not wanted.” I’d lived with that knowledge and it twisted me up inside.
“No, they shouldn’t,” she whispered. “And our child will never feel that way. I want this baby. Maybe someday you will, too.”
I knew this was too little too late. “I’m sorry I freaked out when you told me.”
She lifted her head and shifted her body to face me. “Neither of us knows what the future holds, and I get your knee-jerk reaction to the news. I made the decision to have this baby and I’m prepared to do it alone. You don’t have to decide what to do right now. Regardless, I thought you had the right to know and make the decision for yourself.”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat and finally looked at her.
Her hand raised to cup my face. I leaned further into her palm as her thumb traced my cheek, and she spoke softly. “Today has been a lot for both of us. And if we’re sharing and being honest, I hate the thought of our baby being tossed into the spotlight, forced to endure nastiness from people we don’t know because of your career. I don’t want their sense of self to be crushed by any of that.”
“Then what do we do?” I asked. I didn’t know any other way to be other than the career-minded man I’d driven myself to become, but the demands of my job would force me to be the absent parent I was terrified of becoming.
“I don’t know.” She sighed. Her hand dropped away from my face. I felt empty at that loss.
A thought occurred to me. “Does your family know I’m ... ”
She grimaced. “I bet they do now. Hazel and Heidy would have made sure of it.”
“What about your parents?”
“There’s no way they told Dad. They’d respect that it’s my place to tell him. As for Mom, her MS is getting worse. We try to minimize anything too shocking. I think the actual pregnancy and not naming the father was shocking enough for now.” She twisted her hands together.
I took her hands within my own, gently easing hers apart. “I’m sorry about your mom, Harper.” She’d told me about her mom the weekend we were together, but hadn’t revealed the severity of her disease.
Harper gave me a grateful smile and stood. “I’m going to go.”
“Wait.” I quickly stood, not wanting her to leave.
She stared at the floor. “I can’t stay. You need time to think about this, and I need to give you that time. I can’t let myself get close to you until you decide if you want to be in our child’s life.” Her hand curled protectively around her abdomen.
Dread filled me. Harper was right. If I wanted to be with her, I had to accept the family that we had created. “No matter what happens, at least let me help you financially.”
Her head whipped up, and the fire in her eyes had me take a step back. “I don’t need your money.”
“Please. It’s the least I can do.”
“Exactly. The absoluteleast. No. It’s all or nothing, Lincoln. There doesn’t need to be an us, but you’re not going to throw money at our kid as a way to ease your conscience. You either decide to have a place in the baby’s life, or you don’t.”
I sucked in a breath. “But you’ll need money.”
