Page 46 of Dating After the End of the World
He’s told me that before—many times, actually. But it doesn’t matter, because I don’t believe it. The guilt from that night lives inside me like atumor too risky to operate on, so you just have to learn to carry on with it. I could have run faster. I could have helped fight back.
Tears fall from my dad’s eyes, and he doesn’t have to say what’s on his mind for me to know what he’s thinking. “It wasn’t your fault either.”
He sits quietly for a moment, chewing on my words. I’m sure he’ll spit them right back out, because he can’t not blame himself, and the feeling is mutual. I guess I really am my father’s daughter.
“I think back to that night nearly every day, all the things I wish I would have done differently. I should have left the cell phone behind, but your mother insisted I take it, just to be safe. Those were her words. I should have sent one of my employees to take care of that emergency call, but I figured I was up anyway.” He shakes his head as he speaks.
“The only people to blame are the men that broke into our house. They killed Mom, not you,” I say, lifting my chin, wishing I could believe my own words.They areresponsible for killing her, but I’m the one who didn’t save her.
“It was my job to keep you and your mother safe, and I failed at that.” He pulls his lips in and inhales through his nose.
“You have kept me safe, and look at how many people you’re keeping safe right now.” I wave my arm back toward the main house and cabins. “You’ve more than done your job, Dad.” I flip my hand over and squeeze his.
He nods and tears escape the corners of his eyes, streaking his face. They fall slowly, having to trudge through an untraveled path. I haven’t seen my father cry since the night my mother was murdered. After that, he held it all in to be strong for me. The light from the fire makes his tears glint. Seeing his grief on full display swells the guilt inside me. But this shame isn’t because of what I failed to do for my mom; it’s because of what Ididdo to my dad.
“I lied to you,” I say, meeting his gaze.
“About what?”
“My reason for staying away. I didn’t not come back because I was too busy or didn’t have the time. It was because I resented you. I hated my childhood. I hated all the work you made me do. I hated that I was teased for the life you made us live. I hated you because of all of this.” I fan my hands out in front of me. “I just hated you so much.”
“I know, Casey, and I’m sorry.” He pats my hand. “When your mom died, my world ended. So, for me, it’s felt like I’ve been surviving the end of times for twenty-plus years.” His voice cracks.
“I wish I would have been there for all of them, Dad, and I’m so sorry I wasn’t.”
“Don’t be. I took enough from you, and I wish I could give it all back, especially your childhood.” He shakes his head.
“Technically, I do kind of have my childhood back.”
A confused expression settles on his face.
“You know, because I’m back at home, working on all your super-fun projects, and even Blake is here, making my life a living hell again. It feels like I never left,” I say with a shrug and a smile.
Dad chuckles.
From behind us, someone clears their throat. Dad and I wipe at our tears and straighten in our chairs. Like father, like daughter.
“Hey, Dale,” Blake says, standing just off to the side dressed in a gray hoodie and a pair of jeans.
“Speak of the devil,” I say, looking him up and down. I tighten my eyes, wondering what he’s up to now. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll somehow involve messing with me. He just can’t help himself.
“Hello to you too, Casey.” He softly smiles, further raising my suspicions.
“What’s up, Blake?” Dad asks.
“I hate to bring this up, given the timing and all.” Blake looks over to the still-burning funeral pyre. “But according to the schedule, Chris was supposed to be on night watch.” None of us wants to admit it, but night watch is too important to go unassigned, even though it meanserasing Chris from our lives sooner than might be okay. “I just wanted to let you know that I can take it.”
“You’re going on a run tomorrow, though.”
I perk up, leaning forward in my chair. “I’ll do it.”
“You’re not ready to go on a run,” Blake says, cocking his head.
“No, I’ll do night watch.”
“You’re not read—” he starts, but I cut him off.
“Shut up, Blake. It’s literally walking around the property that I’m more familiar with than you. How can I not be ready for that?”
