Page 53 of Love By the Book
I feel like I’ve betrayed him. We had a deal based on no commitments, just an exploration. A summer of fun andpossibilities. And when I said it’s over, it’s over. No strings. No regrets.
But all week, I’ve avoided him. All week, I’ve been quietly pulling away while telling myself it’s for his own good. Telling myself he deserves better than a girl who can’t bear the vulnerability. And that’s the whole problem. He does deserve better. He deserves someone who won’t flinch at ‘I love you’s’ and long to run the moment serious conversations begin.
Instead, he got me.
And now I’m going to break his heart. Not because I want to, but because I was too selfish to act sooner. Too scared to tell the truth. Too cowardly to face the conversation we said we’d have. I’ve told myself I was sparing him. But really? I think I was just sparing myself. And somehow, that makes me feel worse than if he’d been the one to leave.
Eli explains the clues the children need to look for, then before setting them off he says, “Remember, in every mystery, the truth is often hiding in plain sight. We just have to know where to look.”
A lump forms in my throat. Because he’s right. And maybe the truth about us has been right there all along. He’s a man brimming with love to give, with a steady heart and a hunger for commitment. And I’m a woman whose heart didn’t heal right after it shattered, someone too afraid to try again, too unsure she can ever do justice to love as big and generous as his.
The children scatter like autumn leaves in a breeze, their excited squeals echoing around as they begin their hunt. They weave between fake lamp posts, magnifying glasses held close to their faces. Their joy should be infectious—usually it is—but tonight it just reminds me of how temporary everything is. Tomorrow I’ll have to clean all of this up and only fleeting memories will remain. Just like this relationship.
I take a step back. I should check on the other stations.Make sure Claire’s snow isn’t getting out of control. See if Michael needs more tea cups. I have an entire event to run, after all.
“Rhianna?” Eli steps up beside me, his voice soft but urgent. “Can we talk?”
He’s intent, his facade washed away. It’s just Eli’s haunted expression looking at me from beneath that cap. This isn’t how tonight is supposed to go. We’re supposed to be Inspector Holmes and Mary Poppins, delighting children with our mysteries and magic. Not… whatever this ache between us has become.
“Right now?” I whisper. The kids are all still distracted, their parents following along behind and helping in the search.
“I’ve tried to speak with you all week,” he says, and the edge of frustration in his voice makes me flinch. “You’re always busy, or with a patron, or going out with Alex.”
Of course I am. Because I can’t bear to do what needs to happen. I can’t stand the thought of breaking this man’s heart—of watching the light in his eyes dim when I say the words I’ve been dreading. But I’m also not brave enough to try. Not brave enough to risk everything for a love that might leave me shattered again.
This is my problem, not Eli’s. But he’s the one who’s going to pay the price for it. Like my namesake, I don’t know how to let myself be caught. The first man I ever slowed down for left me wounded in a way I’ve never fully healed from—left me skittish and wary, always scanning for the next escape route.
And I don’t think I know how to stop again.
Not without shattering.
“We have to focus on this event right now.” I gesture to my Mary Poppins outfit—the navy dress and daisy covered hat. I even added some smudges of makeup across my nose for soot.
“I know.” Eli runs a hand through his bangs, dislodging thedeerstalker hat. He looks different tonight—sharp edged and mysterious. He’s devastatingly handsome as Sherlock Holmes, which is entirely unfair because it’s hard enough dealing with regular Eli breaking my heart. This version of him, all brooding detective with his collar turned up against imaginary London fog, is just cruel and unusual punishment. “But we need to?—”
“Miss Wilder!” Jasper bounds up with a pack of other kids brandishing a pocket watch triumphantly. “Look what we found! And it’s got weird numbers on it!”
“Excellent work, young detective! Keep searching for another clue.”
He nods firmly and runs back onto Baker Street. I’m turning to escape, but before I can Eli’s hand catches my elbow. “Please,” he whispers. “Just five minutes.”
Behind us, a child shrieks with delight at finding another clue. The sound echoes off the library’s high ceiling, a stark contrast to the heavy silence between us.
A few parents have lifted their faces in our direction. One woman frowns, probably wondering why we’re having a lover’s quarrel in the middle of a children’s event.
“Follow me,” I whisper, leading him to the shadowy Reference section. The children’s gleeful laughter feels distant here, like we’re in our own pocket universe of pain.
“You’ve been avoiding me,” he says softly.
My heart cracks at the quiet truth in his voice—at the way he’s not angry, just hurt. Because he’s right. And I hate that I’ve made him feel this way.
But better now than later. Better to pull away than commit to something I know I can’t fully give. I should’ve stuck with being his matchmaker instead of falling for him. Should’ve stayed at a safe distance, nudging him toward someone steadier. Someone ready.
“You’re right,” I whisper. “I have been avoiding you.”
The words land between us with more weight than I expect. What else can I say, though? That I’ve been hiding because I’m scared? That loving him feels like standing on the edge of something too big and beautiful, and I don’t trust myself not to fall? Or worse—he realizes I am too much after all, and he’s the one who does the pushing.
The truth swells in my chest, but I can’t find the space of it.
