Page 57 of Bear In A Bookstore
She was so used to his truck pulling into her drive that a part of her expected him to show up any moment. He wasn’t coming back. The sooner she accepted that, the better.
The rain was letting up. Turning from the window, she went to her desk and sat, plopped her feet on the top and stared at the suit of armor. Grabbing a pencil, she threw it at him, then another, letting the ’plink, ‘plink’ sounds break the silence.
Her insides were a yawning black hole. Filled with nothing. Cold. Void. How did things get this bad? Opening a drawer on the desk, she rifled through some papers until she found a manila folder and took it out. The papers inside listed a series of diagnosis and treatments she’d received after the trauma. Anxiety. Panic disorder. Depression. Counseling. Medication. Group therapy. One of her doctors had even recommended she get a service dog as a companion animal, and to help her feel safer in her home.
But she’d been too afraid that something bad would happen to the dog, so she’d never gone that far. She stopped counseling. Didn’t increase the medication dose because it didn’t seem to work anyway.
Sometimes you have to fight harder.
Desi’s words echoed in her head. Coming here had been her way of fighting, but maybe it wasn’t enough. Nothing ever seemed to be enough.
Going into the kitchen, she opened the cabinet door above the microwave and took out two orange pill bottles. She stared at the labels and rolled the bottles in her palm. Is this what her life had come down to? Functioning on pills? Her doctor had increased the dosages months ago, but she hadn’t complied because it seemed pointless. Maybe now was the time.
Her security alarm flashed, indicating someone was in the driveway. Desi! Her heart jumped to her throat and her chest went tight. What was she going to say to him? Why, why was he here?
Turning to the screen, she frowned at a vehicle she didn’t recognize and then saw Allie get out of the SUV and head to the door. Kora smoothed her hair; acutely aware she was in two-day old clothes with a hot chocolate stain on the front of her shirt.
She answered with what she hoped passed for a smile.
“Hi, Kora. I’m so sorry to show up like this.”
“Please, come in out of the rain.”
“Thank you.”
Embarrassed by her appearance, Kora crossed her arms over the stain. Allie didn’t even seem to notice. She was wearing joggers and a hoodie with her hair in a thick, messy bun like the teenagers around town wore. Her face was make-up free, and she had something smudged on her left cheek. It looked like baby powder.
“I’m trying to get a hold of Desi. He’s not answering, and Dax is getting impatient. I checked in town and didn’t see him. I was hoping he was here.”
She shook her head. “Um, no. I haven’t seen him.”
“Damn. Okay. Thank you. Sorry to bother you. I would have called, but I didn’t have your number.”
Kora had a sudden rush of worry. “Is it normal for him to go silent? Or do you think something has happened?”
Allie gave her a quizzical look. “Honestly, his cousin Fox isn’t answering his phone either and the two of them have a habit of going off-grid together. I’m sure they’re up to something.”
“Rock climbing,” Kora said quickly. “He mentioned the two of them like to go rock climbing. Except, it’s raining so I suppose not?”
“I wouldn’t put it past them. Desi isn’t the kind of man to be deterred by a little rain.” Allie looked at the bottles in Kora’s hand. “I mean that literally . . . and figuratively, by the way.”
She had the urge to push the bottles into the pocket of her sweatpants, but what difference would it make? She’d clearly already seen them.
Allie gestured to the couch. “May I sit?”
Kora nodded.
“I’m not trying to intrude, but I’m getting the feeling that you’re struggling with something.”
Kora hesitated. Was she really going to spill her guts to a woman she’d met exactly one time? Allie’s presence was so calm and reassuring, as if she really cared and wanted to know. She’d spoken to her L.A. friends online and texted a few times, but it had been a while since she’d sat down for a girls’ chat. It felt nice.
“We don’t even know each other,” she said softly. “I can’t lay this on you.”
“I’m happy to listen if you need to vent. If not, no pressure. I just don’t want you to feel like you’re alone.”
Kora squeezed the bottles. What the hell. What did she have to lose? She was at a jagged crossroads here and everything was falling apart.
“I’ve tried to get my head together for a long time now and nothing is really working. The anxiety keeps getting worse, and I realized that I need to do something different. But these haven’t helped the way I’d hoped, and I don’t really want to try more.”
