Page 104 of Ours
“Hey. Mind closing the door?” Cory asked. “In case Mom comes back.”
Nic closed the door before sitting in Cory’s empty desk chair. Once again, an awkward silence filled the room, no one quite sure how to proceed, but all of them knowing they needed to.
“So, we need to talk about stuff, right?” Nic had had enough of these difficult conversations lately and decided to bite the bullet.
“Yeah,” Cory concurred. “I need… I think I need to say some stuff. Just get it out of me.” He took a deep breath. “Sometimes it feels like I have all this anger and frustration that just keeps building up right—” Cory raised his hand to his chest. “Here. So let me just say everything I need to say first.”
Derek turned his body to fully face Cory as both he and Nic waited for him to continue.
“A few months ago, when we all…” Cory started a thought but changed his mind. “No, whenyouboth made things end the way they did. That… That fuckingsucked. Both of you sucked.
“Derek.” Cory turned toward Derek on the bed to his left. “When I tried talking to you in the car about things that weneededto talk about, you blew up on me. You didn’t just yell at me. You kicked me out of your car.” Cory hugged his knees. “I still remember what it felt like being left on that curb.
“It wasn’t even you blowing up that was the problem. That wasn’t great, but we’ve yelled at each other before. But you were mad at me for justtrying to talk to you. It was like I had the sudden realization that Icouldn’ttalk to you anymore at all. Not like my best friend, not like we used to. I felt so … alone. Abandoned.
“Then came Nic.” Cory turned to his right toward Nic’s chair. “That night, the night you… The night before everything happened, when you came over. I know you were drunk, so I don’t know how much you actually remember, but that night was…” Cory searched for the right word. “I don’t know. Special? It felt different. What you were doing. I mean, fuck, you—” Cory cut himself off for a second to glance at Derek, caring for only a moment if any of this was new info for him before continuing. “You kissed me. A lot. We spent almost the entire night together fucking and making out and cuddling. It felt like a lot more than just sex.
“And then you were just … gone. No message, no note… The bed was cold. And when I saw you at school, you pretended like you forgot the whole thing. You looked me in the eye and told me that everything from the night before was a blank.” Cory paused and sniffled, starting to lose the fight to keep his emotions in check. “You were still wearing the bandageIput on your hand. Your excuse didn’t even make sense. How did you even get home?” Cory gave a sad chuckle. “Even after all the kinky shitwe’ve done together, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so used. It wasn’t just sex. You took advantage of how I f-felt about you.” Cory sniffled again, a tear escaping.
“Cor, I’m sor—” Nic wanted to comfort the boy but was stopped when Cory put his hand up, composing himself before continuing.
“You guys were my best friends. You were more than that. You were practically my entire world at that point. It was like you both spent all that time making sure I’d feel close to you and then did everything you could to push me as far away as possible. I didn’t know what to do with myself.”
Cory took a deep breath before raising his gaze to Nic’s, letting him know it was okay to talk.
“Cory, I’m sorry,” Nic finished his earlier apology. “For … using you the way I did. For lying about it the next day. For pretending like I didn’t care about any of it. Itdidmean something to me, but I—” Nic was struggling to say the words. “I was really, really angry that day, and I used that as an excuse to get really, really drunk, and I think, maybe … I usedthatas an excuse to do things I really wanted to do. That I was too afraid to have done otherwise.
“That’s not an excuse. Everything I did still sucks, but there’s something…” Nic stared at his lap, sounding lost. “Everything in my life used to make sense. Then after that night at the cabin… No, after that night with your laptop, it all changed. And ever since, things keep happening, and it… It feels like I don’t know who I am anymore.
“But like I said, that’s not an excuse.” Nic looked up, his own eyes watering slightly. “I-I’m sorry, Cor. I’m so sorry.”
“Thank you.” Cory stood and hugged him. “No matter what happens, you’re still Nic.”
“And if we have to, we’ll figure out who you are now together,” Derek offered from the bed, not wanting to intrude on their moment. But now it was his turn.
“I’m sorry too, Cory,” Derek began as Cory returned to his spot on the bed.
“I never meant to make you feel the way you did. I knew I was hurting you. I could see it in your eyes when I kicked you out of the car… I scared you. I never want to make you feel like that. I want you to always be able to talk to me, especially if we’re…” Derek still wasn’t sure what to label any of this and didn’t want to push for anything now either. “I used to look out for you, protect you, even before any of this.
“I’m realizing I might have more flaws than I can admit. That maybe I’m a little cockier than I deserve to be, that I can act like a know-it-all, that I jump into things without thinking them all the way through. And then when those things go badly, I avoid taking responsibility. And because of all of that, I screwed things up with us. With all three of us. Bad. I’m sorry to you too, Nic. You wouldn’t even be in this situation if it wasn’t for me.”
“It’s okay, D.” Nic was surprised that he was receiving an apology at all. “I think even if this hadn’t happened now, these things would have come out for me eventually.”
“I fucked up. And I know I can’t take back what happened, and I’m not asking you to do anything about it now, but I hope you can forgive me and trust me again one day, Cor. I’m sorry for everything,” Derek finished his apology.
“We’ll get there.” Cory scooted over a little and squeezed Derek’s hand for a second. “But that does lead to the next thing I need to talk about.
“Throughout this whole… Throughout everything that’s happened, there’s always been this … weird feeling hanging over things. This anxiety. A weight that I can’t shake off. It’s like this nagging feeling that I still needed to keep my guard up, that Istill wasn’t sure what might come next. Ever since that first night when you guys…
“When you guys got me drunk so you could fuck me.” Cory laid everything out on the table. However ugly it may sound, he needed to say it. “You found out I was gay and then made a plan so you could use me to get your dicks sucked. You basically date-raped me. I never… I never let myself think about it too much. There was enough going on to distract me. But fuck, guys. You completely violated my trust and used me. I’m yourbest friend. You risked our entire relationship. You took advantage of me in the worst way because you were horny.
“And it didn’t stop there. Things kept happening. You started doing things to me in public. You ‘loaned’ me out to guys I had never met before—someoneyouhadn’t even met before—without even talking to me. You guys never talked to me about any of it. I didn’t know what we were. I didn’t know how or even if Icouldsay no. Just like that first night, I never let myself think about it too much.
“But I… Ilikedit. Istilllike it when I think about it. Even though there’s some part of me that feels anger, or shame, there’s another part of me that wanted all of it. Those other feelings made sense, but part of me… Part of me loved it.” Cory took a deep breath. “I loved that you never gave me a choice, that you were taking advantage of me, using me. Even how you planned for the first night in the cabin. And it’s confusing and feels like there’s something wrong with me because why would I wantmoreof that kind of treatment? It’s not normal. Right?”
Derek moved closer and put his arm around Cory’s back, and Nic squeezed himself onto the bed on Cory’s other side.
“I understand how you feel. The … shame, mixed with liking it,” Nic said softly. “I know it’s not exactly the same but I don’t think any of us expected half of this stuff.”
