Page 69 of Steel & Thunder
He snorts a laugh, fumbling for his keys while awkwardly holding the stack of food in one arm. Stubborn. But I am glad to be home.
“You know, where I come from, meeting your parents like that would be considered a pretty good evening.” Honestly, that went better than most of the times I met a girlfriend’s family back home, even if it’s not quite the same thing. “We should celebrate.”
“Celebrate? Are you somehow still hungry?” Khazak piles everything onto the kitchen counter. “I think Ruda gave us enough food to last a week.”
“Okay, two things.” I walk over, crowding him just a little bit. “One, who is this ‘we?’ I was given very specific instructions from your father to eat all of that food myself, Sir. And two... I wasn’t talking about celebrating with food. Sir.” Really hope he’s picking up what I’m putting down.
“Oh.” I see a flash of desire on his face before it’s back to neutral as he starts to pack the containers into the icebox. “Are you certain?”
“Uh, yeah?” I laugh a little. “That’s why I brought it up. You okay?”
“Yes, I am just still feeling a little...cautious in regard to that aspect of our arrangement.” It’s the same hesitation I’ve felt since we talked things out yesterday. I was kinda hoping I took care of that this morning, but I guess I need more practice.
“I appreciate you wanting to take it easy on me,” I reach out and take a hold of the bottom of his shirt, “but you know, part of what I like about our ‘arrangement’ is you calling the shots.”
That gets me a smile, but I can tell he’s still thinking about it. “I am not sure it is a good idea.”
“Why not?” All my ideas are good. Usually. “I thought we figured this out yesterday.”
“We also said we were going to take things slow, did we not?” Not this slow.
“There’s a difference between slow and celibate.” And I don’t plan on being the latter.
“I am not suggesting we be celibate.” He rolls his eyes.
“Okay, well, I just asked if you wanted to go fool around—something I have never done with anyone before, by the way—and you had to ask if I was sure.” The rejection might have stung a little.
“I am only being cautious, David.” He’s starting to sound annoyed.
“What are you afraid of happening?” He’s making it sound like he might accidentally fuck me to death or something. “I trust you, Khazak.”
“Well, I do not, David.” For a second I think he’s talking about me, but then I understand. He doesn’t trust himself. He really is afraid he might take things too far and push me to do something I don’t want. Fuck. It’s at least partially my fault he’s feeling this way. I don’t want him to be afraid to touch me. How do I fix this?
“Khazak. Sir. You’re not going to hurt me, or scare me, or—”
“I think our recent history and your own words have already proved you wrong.” It’s like he’s not even willing to listen to me.
“Look, we both said and did some shitty things, but are you seriously letting that dictate everything else that happens between us?” I know I’m oversimplifying but come on.
“Yes. I am.” Oh my god this man is so fucking stubborn.
“Your sister was right about you,” I mutter without thinking.
“What is that supposed to mean?” He slams the lid of the icebox shut a little too hard. “What did my sister say about me?”
“Nothing, just...” Hold on, I think I’m getting an idea. “Just that you have control issues.”
He scoffs. “And I suppose she thinks herself an expert on my ‘control issues?’”
“I think her exact words were ‘control freak.’” I tell myself that snitching is alright if it’s for the greater good.
His nostrils flare as soon as the words leave my mouth. “What the hell would someone who has not been home for over a year know about my life?”
“I think I’m inclined to agree with her. You are definitely a control freak,” I snark.
“What, exactly, makes me a control freak?” He takes a few steps toward me in the living room.
“I dunno, maybe the way you need to be in constant control of every aspect of any given situation, and when you can’t, you just wash your hands of the whole thing?” Now I know I’m oversimplifying things.
