Page 56 of Steel & Thunder
“Everything alright?” He eyes me curiously.
“Yeah, I just wanted to know if we could talk some more?” I ask hesitantly.
“Of course.” He gives me his full attention.
“Well, I’ve been thinking about what we talked about earlier.” Pretty much nonstop. “About what we’ve been doing together.”
“David, again I am so—”
“No, it’s not that.” I don’t need another apology to make me feel worse and more confused. “I more meant about how I was saying I liked it.”
“What... What are you getting at, David?” What am I getting at?
“I just thought that if I’m going to be here with you for two months anyway, doesn’t it seem silly to ignore the attraction we have to each other?” I feel like appealing to his logical side might work.
“Are you asking to sleep together?” He raises an eyebrow, not saying no but missing the point a little.
“I mean, yeah I guess, but I was more getting at the other stuff.” Probably should’ve thought this through more first. “Like you taking charge, ordering me around, tying me up, calling you Sir. I’m going to be here with you for two months no matter what, right? And like I told you, I liked a lot of...most of what we’ve been doing. I didn’t know what I was getting into at first, or even want to admit that I liked it, but now that I do—”
“David, are you seriously asking to be my slave for the next two months?” He sounds incredulous.
“Your avakesh, technically,” I correct him. “There’s a difference, right?”
Khazak laughs out loud at that, shaking his head. “How do I even begin to explain why that is a terrible idea?”
“Why?” I turn to face him more fully on the couch. “I mean as far as anyone else is concerned, I never stopped being your avakesh in the first place. I know that I like it now. I promise not to run away anymore.”
“David, that is not...” He grunts a little in frustration, running his hands down his face. “You were not even interested in men before last week.”
“No, I wasn’t aware of or willing to admit that I was interested in men before last week,” I correct him again, maybe a little more flippantly that I need to. “Cat’s out of the bag now. Only thing left to do is move forward.”
“Moving forward with your return to enslavement.” He looks bewildered. “Do all humans where you are from make decisions this rashly?”
“Not really. This is pretty much 100% me.” I shrug. “I know things between us started off really rough,” Literally, I might add, “but they don’t have to continue to be, right?”
He sighs, partially in frustration. “How could you even forgive me? Because the more I think about everything that was said yesterday, about everything I have done to you in the past week, the more I am unsure I can forgive myself.”
Fuck, he’s really shaken about this. “I told you, I only said those—”
“I am not upset because of the things you said, David,” he stops me before I can finish. “I am upset because they were true. I never wanted to...” He trails off. “That is not the man I thought I was. Not the man I wanted to be.”
“So then don’t be that man.” I can tell he’s struggling not to roll his eyes at that. “No, I mean things are already different between us. We already understand each other more. We’re actually talking. So as long as we keep doing all of that, why can’t we try again?”
“David, yesterday you wanted nothing more than to be free of me forever.” I don’t seem to be doing a great job of convincing him. “Why would you want this now?”
“Because for whatever fucking reason, I like you. I like this,” I gesture between us again, “and I know you do too. I’m not asking you to go steady, I’m just saying that it seems really fucking stupid to spend the next two months living together and pretending like that’s not true. Also, let’s not forget that the only reason we’re even in this weird situation is that both of us were lied to. You have to stop blaming yourself.”
“Believe me, I will be speaking with Advocate Redwish in the coming days about the way he conducts business.” He crosses his arms for a moment before dropping them and turning to me, a shy smile growing on his face. “It would be untrue to say I have not enjoyed my time with you, but I just...”
“What are you afraid of happening?” I ask when he doesn’t finish his sentence.
“Seriously?” He looks at me like I’ve grown an extra head. “Hurting you, abusing you, forcing you to do things you do not want to do?”
“So then don’t do that?” He’s no more impressed with the answer the second time I use it. “I’m not saying I loved everything we did, but...even when I didn’t want it, there was this part of me that liked being made to do it anyway. Liked that you made me do it.” I can feel my face start to turn red at the admission, and I’m just glad I’m still capable of shame at this point. “Can’t we just...figure out what works and what doesn’t?”
He considers this for a minute before frowning. “I am not sure I can be trusted to make that distinction.”
“Okay, then I’ll start.” I roll my eyes. “You feeding me. I really a wasn’t fan at first. It was more than a little awkward for multiple reasons—and for the record I’m glad you didn’t insist on it when we had soup—but I still found myself liking it a lot more than I expected. I’m not saying I want to stop doing it completely, just that maybe I can feed myself a little more often so I don’t forget how to use a fork and knife.”
