Page 95 of Sin With Me
"Of course!" She opens her arms and wraps them around me. "Marriage is a beautiful commitment that only two people truly in love can experience the full benefits of what it has to offer."
"But we're notinlove...we were drunk," I clarify.
"You will be. I have no doubt he already is."
"I'm not sure he knows what being in love feels like. He's never had a serious relationship. Plus, I haven't experienced it either." Waylon and I never said it to each other. "Neither of us have any business gettin' married this quickly."
"You've been in love with Wilder for years, you just never let yourself admit it. Once your head catches up to your heart, you'll feel it."
"Mama, that's impossible. How can you be in love with someone but not know it?"
The corner of her lips tilts up. "Our minds tend to protect us from gettin' hurt, so in order to do that, it blocks your ability to feel certain things. Wilder being emotionally unavailable and you keepin' your distance made it easier, but deep down, you fell for him a long time ago. But now you get to fall for the man he is today. A much better version of himself, as long as you open your heartandmind to it."
"Do you think you'll ever get married again?" I ask, needing a moment to think about what she said, because if she's right, I won't be able to walk away unscathed after thirty days.
"It's too soon to tell, but I doubt it."
"Maybe Daddy will send you someone," I tell her. "I know he'd want you to be happy."
"He'd want you to be, too, even if he can't be here and witness that happiness."
My eyes fill with tears as they have many times these past months. Anytime I think or talk about him, I get emotional.
"I miss him so much," I whisper, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"I do too, sweetie. There hasn't been a day I haven't thought about him." She sits next to me, wrapping her arm around my shoulders.
"I'm still strugglin' after almost a year and don't even live at home to see his things every day. I can't imagine how hardit must be for you being alone and surrounded by his chair, clothes, and books."
"It's comfortin'," she clarifies, her voice soothing. "Sometimes I trick my brain into thinkin' he's home with me and is takin’ a nap. When I see his crossword puzzles, I’ll do one and pretend he's tellin' me the answers. Makes me feel less lonely."
I choke back tears but they fall down my cheeks anyway. "I hate that you're alone now."
"Don't be, honey." She leans over and wipes my face. "My job keeps me plenty busy. I love my coworkers and helpin' all my patients. Losin' your dad reminds me why I work as hard as I do. I feel fulfilled at the end of the day knowin' I gave it my all."
"I wish I felt that level of passion," I admit. "I enjoy workin' at Lacey's but it's not satisfyin' like goin' to rodeos and performin'. I've decided not to return to trick ridin' next year but not sure what I wanna do."
"I kinda figured you wouldn't and that's okay. We all have to pivot to find what brings us joy. I have no doubt you'll figure it out, but it might not come easy."
"That's partly why I'm skeptical this marriage can work when I'm still figurin' out what I wanna do. And at my age, when most people are already married and having babies, I feel behind."
"Marriage is about growin' old with someone you love and havin' a partner to face the ups and downs. As long as you grow together and support each other, there's no reason you can't figure out what you want with him at your side."
Tears fill my eyes again, but for a different reason this time. My mom's been through a lot with my dad and she never left his side. She married the love of her life and stuck by him through every obstacle and never complained about it.
I wantthat.
"You don't think it's crazy we got married after datin' for like three days?"
"Of course." She laughs, and I do too. "But that doesn't mean you throw in the towel before givin' it a chance, especially when this was years in the makin'. I like Wilder, but even more, I like Wilder for you. If I had to pick a man for you, it'd be a man just like him. Sure, he doesn't have the best track record when it comes to relationships but the fact that he's askin' for a chance tells me he's ready. He's been waitin' for you."
I nod, then wrap my arms around her. "Thanks, Mom."
Once I've showered and dressed, Wilder and I go eat with his siblings who give us shit about beingnewlyweds. They seem happy enough for us, but I know they love teasing Wilder. Noah warned him their parents were going to flip but everyone agreed not to tell them until we could in person.
Another thing to worry about.
Since his phone went MIA, we find an Apple store so he can buy a new one. Then, he makes a show of changing my contact to MY WIFE.
