Page 83 of If The Crown Fits
“I was a child!” he shouted, breathing heavily. “And I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to save the men that were dying next to me. I made a decision, and if you think that it doesn’t haunt me to this day, then you’re wrong.”
I wanted to believe him. Wanted to believe the desperate, pleading look on his face.
“I still dream about that battle, over and over again, and I see my hands covered in blood, knowing what I did and knowing that I will never be able to make up for it. Why do you think I am so adamant on avoiding war at all costs?”
And I knew that his words were true. Knew that he carried guilt in the same ways I did. Knew what it felt like to have a conscience that followed you like a shadow, despite how much you tried to run from it.
But I didn’t know how to face him now. So I turned and walked away.
I walked until the soldier prince caught up to me. He grabbed me, turning my body towards him. There was something in Cai’s eyes — a look I’d never seen from any man before as it lingered on the edge of certain carnality and spelled out only one word... danger.
Not the danger you face from getting too close to a fire, not the danger of a knife or a wild animal. This was a feeling of danger that I had never experienced before.
“What do you want?” I stepped away from him. “To make some worthless kind of apology in the hopes that your reputation would be restored in my eyes? If that’s the case, you can forget about it.”
He took a step towards me. My breath hitched. I prayed he did not hear it. Cai and I had been alone before more than once, but I’d never actually wanted to murder him up until this point.
“I don’t want to apologise.”
Part of me wanted to flee once more. To flee the violation of his broad shoulders and muscled torso in my personal space. Part of me wanted to release hellfire and beat him until he spat blood. All this time, I had thought this man to be all that was good and honest. But now I somehow felt betrayed.
“Then what is it?” I said curtly.
“You can’t just yell insults in my face and run away like that.” His voice was deep but soft, and I took a step back.
“So, what, you wantmeto apologise?” We both knew there was no chance of that happening.
“No,” he replied and I lost my nerve.
“Well then, what do you want?” I cried out.
“I want you,” he blurted. Instead of being surprised, it only caused me to be angrier with him.
“Well, you can’t have me!” I said sternly, placing my hands on my hips and squaring my shoulders.
“Oh yes, I can,” he retorted, and I could feel my blood boiling.
“And what exactly gave you that impression?”
“Because you want me too.”
I gasped. “I do not!”
“Yes, you do, Lara. I know you do.”
“I don’t want you. I don’t want anything to do with you right now.” I was starting to grow unsure of what exactly I would gain by winning this argument.
Cai let out a huff of frustration. “You know, sometimes I think you’re the most annoying woman I’ve ever met.”
“You think I’m annoying? Well, take a good, lasting look in the mirror, sir, because you’re the most infuriating—” I jabbed my finger at his hard chest — “displeasing, exasperating human being in all of Everness.” I was throwing out all the big words I could muster while knowing none of them were actually true, but in that moment I didn’t care.
“You’re one to talk,” he threw back, taking another step closer. “You’re all charming and sweet with your witty words and nifty tricks, but inside you’re miserable with this life you live.”
It wasn’t anything other than perhaps the fact he was right that scared me so much. “Don’t you dare say that. You know nothing about me.” Another lie. Though I would hate to admit it, he knew more than most.
“Yes, I do.” He was so close that I could practically feel his warm breath against my skin. The scent of him reminding me of the forest on an autumn morning. I shook my head, trying to regain focus.
“I know you, Lara.”
