Page 129 of Love Bleeds Red
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
BAILEY
Jasper and Falin are here for the weekend and there’s one person who’s not super thrilled about it. Leon. Okay, maybe I wasn’t exactly jumping out of my skin to see my brother after spending almost two months with him when everything went down. I missed him, but that much Jasper time needs to be in small doses. At least Falin seems to level him out a bit. She’s already come to me to plan an epic prank on him while they’re here. I’m thinking something classic like honey in his shampoo bottle or toothpaste in his Oreos… but knowing Falin for the short amount of time that I do, I’m almost scared of what she’ll decide.
Is it crazy that I’ve been wondering if them showing up was the universe’s way of telling me I’m not ready to be with Leon again? He’s only been here for a week and I’malready finding it harder and harder to stay away from him. Is it just me being too hard on myself? Punishing myself for wanting to have something good?
I talked to my therapist about Leon the other day and she said something that really stuck with me. She told me that healing isn’t this straight line going from point A to point B despite what I may want, and that me wanting connection—especially with someone who represents safety and love from before—isn’t something to feel guilty about. But, and here’s the kicker, she also said I need to be honest with myself (because that’s so easy) about whether I’m drawn to him because I genuinely want to rebuild what we had, or because he feels like a lifeline back to who I used to be.
Mind fuck, right?
She gave me homework, which I’ve been willfully neglecting (it’s a lot to think about). But she basically wants me to write down what I need to feel secure in a relationship. What I need, NOT what Leon needs, not what would make things easier for everyone else, but what I actually need. Things like being able to say no without feeling guilty (a big yes). Having space when I need it (also yes… but too much space makes me feel too alone with my thoughts). Not having to pretend I’m okay whenI’m not (that’s a given). And the freedom to change my mind about intimacy or closeness without having to explain myself (again, another given).
Leon already gives me all that. This is more on myself than him. He doesn’t push and never has, he reads my moods better than I do sometimes, and he never makes me feel broken or like I’m too much work. Maybe the universe isn’t telling me I’m not ready. Maybe it’s just reminding me to take things at my own pace.
Anyway, I should probably go and see what Falin has in store for my brother. I almost feel bad for the poor guy. Maybe I shouldn’t have decided to be her co-conspirator, but then again a little fun won’t hurt.
“You want to go camping?”I ask Jasper, who’s currently digging through the garage for our bin of gear. “Really?”
Leon and Falin are inside working on their computers. When those two get together, I have no idea what they’re talking about half the time. It’s truly like they’re speaking another language.
He pulls out a gray bin labeledCampingand grunts as he straightens his back. “Come on, it’ll be fun. Plus, you owe me from scheming with Falin on that prank yesterday. I drove an hour north to find out Mom wasn’t actually stranded on a farm and most certainly wasn’t being attacked by a herd of feral goats.Goats, Bails… you had to go there? You know how much goats freak me out!”
“Listen,” I say, trying to keep from laughing. “Falin wanted to make it something dark like Mom was being held ransom and you had to bring a bag of cash.”
He stops digging through the bin to look at me. “For real?”
“Yeah… She’s kind of scary, you know.”
He laughs and his whole face lights up. “Oh Bails, you don’t know the half of it. But still… the goat thing was a low blow. Now Falin and Leon know about my most traumatic childhood story.”
“And Mom always said I was the drama queen!” I laugh.
“That goat was huge and out for blood. Its eyes were red, I swear.” His mouth sets in a hard line. “Not cool, man.”
“And our punishment is a night of camping with no running water and no toilets? Yippee.”
I don’t want to play theif you only knew how many days I went in the last two years without regular access to those thingscard. Although, the thought crosses my mind.
“You used to love it. S’mores, fishing, sitting by the fire… it’ll be awesome.”
“Or mosquitos, worm guts, and smoke inhalation… It’ll be a hellscape,” I deadpan, my hands on my hips.
He sighs, looking at me seriously now. “If you really don’t want to go, I won’t make you. I just thought it would be some nice bonding time. “Living in the city isn’t my jam. I miss trees.”
I’m going to regret this.
“It’s fine. I’ll go. But what’s the tent situation?”
His face goes white. Ah, ha. I guess he hadn’t fully thought about the whole tent sharing debacle. “I guess you and Falin can share our old one. And I’ll sleep with Leon.”
“Aww, so cozy. Will you two spoon?”
He huffs. “Nah, he’s too restless. Damon’s a much better little spoon.”
We both burst into laughter. “Why can I actually picture you two weirdos spooning at some point in your dumb drunken years?”
“Probably because we were dumb and drunk a lot,” he answers.
