Page 38 of Jessie's Girl
“India, we’ll talk later today,” he says, that low, silk-over-gravel voice firm. No, not firm. Final.
I shake my head, a fissure zigzagging through me, leaving cracks and crevices in its wake. But damn if I’ll break in front of these two men. I’ve given both of them pieces of me—Jessie, in the past, and Asa as recently as minutes ago. And both of them tossed me away as if I were disposable, expendable. And I guess I am to them. Bros before hoes, and all that.
I huff out a serrated laugh that abrades my throat, and Asa’s gaze narrows on me.
“India,” he says.
“No.” I shuffle back a step, away from him. From Jessie. From this dynamic that I became tangled up in like a sticky spider’s web. And I have no one to blame but myself. I entered it with my eyes wide open, foolishly believing I could control the traitorous organ pumping away in my chest. One day I would learn. Maybe the pain racing through me like wildfire would be enough to brand this lesson into my soul and head once and for all. “Don’t worry, Asa. I got it. We won’t need to have that talk. I understand perfectly, and further conversation isn’t needed or wanted. I don’t want… any of it.”
He claims one of the steps I surrendered, his grey eyes nearly black in the early morning darkness. If possible, his frown is fiercer, and the bold lines of his face stand out under his skin in stark relief.
“What the hell are you talking about? I’m telling you, I’ll see you later today.”
“And I’m telling you don’t bother.” I hike my chin up, going for strong, trying to gather the last scraps of my pride around me, but they’re so tattered, it’s a damn near futile effort. “I’m out,” I say, slapping my hands together and holding the palms out. “I vowed to never again let anyone make me question my worth. As much as I—” thelove youlodges in my throat, and I refuse to free it, “—care for you, I owe myself more than that. I deserve more than that. And if you can’t see it, than you don’t deserve me.”
I don’t spare Jessie a glance or any more words because, like I told him, this isn’t about him. He isn’t the one causing my heart to squeeze so tight, I fear my knees hitting the pavement before I can make it to my car.
No, that honor belongs to his best friend.
The man who offered me false hope that maybe, just maybe, there could be anus.
That I could be Asa’s girl.
11
Asa
Istare after India’s retreating figure, and though I’m physically here, still solid, my bones feel brittle. As if one careless touch will send me crumbling to the ground.
She’s gone.
Doesn’t matter that I can still see her, and within seconds I could catch up with her before she reached her car—she’s gone. She might as well be across the fucking country. Or vanished again. Lost to me.
Everything in me roars in protest, demands that I follow hernow, not tomorrow. Not another goddamn minute. But I can’t. Even though I damn near tremble with the effort of not going after her, and my fucking bones ache with the need to do just that, I turn back to my best friend.
Because he’s owed an explanation. After years of loyalty, of unconditional love and acceptance, the very least I can give him is that—Iowehim that. And if we are to walk away from each other with any semblance of a friendship, I need to try.
“Are you serious, Asa? Of all the women you could’ve fucked, why her? Why India?” Jessie rasps. “I know it’s a ridiculous question, but while you were getting your dick wet, did you think of me at all? Of our friendship and how you were blowing it up over a quick fu—?”
“Watch your mouth,” I snap. “You’re angry, and you’re justified. With me. Not her. But don’t expect me to stand here and let you disrespect her.”
“Oh, so you’re her knight in shining armor now?” he laughs, and it’s ugly, but there’s hurt, there’s confusion swirling beneath. “While you’ve cast yourself in the role of the great protector, did it occur to you to protect our friendship? I thought of you like a brother…”
He shakes his head, letting the rest of the sentence trail off, and my sternum constricts.I thought… Past tense. Pain bursts in my gut as if a phantom fist plowed into it. I’d expected Jessie to consider our friendship over. How couldn’t I? Still, hearing it… I drag in a low, deliberate breath, but each inhale is like swallowing glass.
“I’m still your brother, regardless of how you think of me,” I say, not shocked that my voice sounds like churned up gravel. “And to answer your question, yes. I always thought of you. Always. Which is why I kept my silence and my distance from India for years—including while you were with her. My love for you would never allow me to go there.”
He stares at me, eyes widening. For a moment, his lips work but no words emerge. Then he swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “You wanted India when she and I…” When I give him an abrupt nod, he tunnels his fingers through his hair, fisting the strands. “You’re either a fucking fantastic actor or got a great poker face, because I never guessed.” His face hardens an instant later. “So what’d you do, wait until I fucked up to shoot your shot? Was it you who told her about that groupie?”
My chin jerks towards my neck, anger, and yeah, guilt swarming inside me like a drone of angry bees.
“You would say that to me?” Could he really think that of me? “Fuck no, I didn’t do that. Time for you to be honest, Jessie. That woman wasn’t the first one, and she for damn sure wouldn’t have been the last. Don’t play the injured party when you were screwing around on India for the last year of your relationship. You want to know why I started getting too busy to come to your games? Not because being there was too painful of a reminder of what could’ve been. No, it's because witnessing you fucking up the best thing that ever happened to you by falling into random pussy like it was a goddamn BOGO sale made me sick. And there I stood, willing to give my left nut for what you had. Not your career. Not your money. Not your health. Your woman.” I shake my head, loosing a harsh bark of laughter. “You were a fool. A fucking fool. But no, I didn’t tell her. One of your side chicks with ambitions of being the main one or hopes of being Instagram famous did that.”
A heavy silence falls between us because we’ve never discussed this. Never touched the topic of his infidelity, instead treating the incident that destroyed his relationship with India like a one-off, when we both knew it wasn’t. It was the visible tip of a large, hidden iceberg.
“But here’s the whole truth, Jessie. The night India found out you cheated on her, she came to me to see if it was true or not. She read it on my face and cried in my arms. We ended up kissing. But that’s as far as it went. Then I didn’t hear from her for two years, same as you. We didn’t become lovers until last night. And that was because of you. I rejected her two years ago, and I repeatedly pushed her away these last few weeks because of you.You, Jessie. My friend, my brother. Even though you treated your relationship like gum on the bottom of your shoe. But I’m through with that. I’m done.”
“What do you mean, you’re done?” He steps toward me, his hands curled into tight fists at his side.
