Page 39 of Jessie's Girl
His blue eyes flare with hot fury, and it should ignite fear inside me. Fear at losing him, our relationship. But there’s just sadness. And relief. Not relief over the fractures that have sprung between us that may never heal. God, never that. But relief, that I no longer have to live a lie. My feelings for India are a storm in my soul—one without an outlet. And they’re bruising me from the inside out. I want to… Why can’t I…
God, I just want to live out loud.
For me. Just once.
All my life, I’ve worked and lived for my mother, my family, for Jessie, and now for Rose. And not once have I regretted my choices. Not fucking once. I’d do it again.
But even when India wasn’t mine, in my heart, she was. And now, if she’ll have me, I want to be hers. No more wasting time. No more putting my life on hold for others. No more existing in fear.
“I mean,” I say, moving forward and clapping a hand on his shoulder. He flinches, jerking out from under my palm, and yeah, that hurts like hell, but I absorb it. “I mean, that I love you, Jessie, and I will always be your friend, whether you want to continue being mine or not. Everything you’ve meant to me, been to me, done for me… I’ll never stop being there for you. But I won’t deny how I feel about India any longer. It’s more than fucking or wanting. I need her. Rose does, too. And I’m not walking away from her. I refuse to end up another name on that list. Not when—”
“You love her.”
“Yeah,” I whisper. “Yeah, I love her.”
We stare at one another And I wish I saw acceptance or forgiveness in his eyes, his face. But I don’t. There’s pain, anger, even grief. But no, not forgiveness. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that from him. Or if we’ll ever be who we once were.
And I’ll have to find some way to be okay with that.
“I’ll guess I’ll head back to Connecticut,” he murmurs.
Pain slashes across my chest in deep red grooves. “Jessie.” I stretch out an arm. “Please, let’s go—”
“Not now, Asa.” He shuffles backward, hands up. His gaze shifts away from me as if he can’t stand to look at me any longer, and fuck if that doesn’t make me bleed harder. “I don’t know… when. But definitely not now. Tell Rose I said hi. If it’s cool with you, I’d still like to call her, check in on her. And your mom.”
“Of course, man. You know that. I’d never—”
“Yeah, I have to go.”
With that, he turned on his heel and strode away, leaving me alone in the steadily brightening morning. I wait until he climbs into his car and pulls away before pivoting and returning to my house where my niece sleeps. To my bedroom where my sheets still contain the scent of India and sex.
Sleep is a joke, and I cross to the window, watching the indigo slowly lighten to lilac and soft grey. It’s not lost on me that as day dawns, promising fresh beginnings, my oldest friendship ends.
But maybe, just maybe, it means the start of a new one.
12
India
“India! India!”
I halt midstride toward my car in the teacher parking lot, and my eyes close. Pain streaks across my heart, a hot, bright-red ball of fire. But an instant later, I lift my lashes, paste a smile on my face, and turn around to face Rose.
After all, it’s not her fault her uncle left me an emotional wasteland.
It’s not her fault I did something as eternally dumb as fall in love with her uncle.
God, I’m such a cliché. Apparently, good dick did make me an idiot.
You know it’s so much more than that.
Yes, I do, for once agreeing with the know-it-all voice in my head. That’s the thing—it’s never just been all about the sex with me and Asa. From the beginning, I ran to him because he’d always represented a solid, safe port with his quiet, stalwart strength. In a life where uncertainty and unreliability had been my “normal,” his dedication to family, to the career he’d built out of the ashes of his dreams, even to Jessie, fed a greedy heart that had been deprived for so long. He’s a protector of those he cares about.
But he just doesn’t care enough. At least, not for me.
And that’s okay.I’llbe okay.
And eventually, if I keep telling myself that, I’ll start to believe it.
