Page 8 of Her Rogue for Christmas
Theo didn’t need a book to pass the time.What he wanted was to find Elena and have a moment alone with her.Perhaps he had been too gentle, too cautious.She might need a slight push to see the future they could share.With newfound resolve, he left the library, determined to find the love of his life—and perhaps, if he was fortunate, he might finally break through the walls she had built around her heart.
Elena took a deep breath,reminding herself that she was free to make her own decisions.She wasn’t sure why she needed the reminder—it simply seemed necessary in moments of emotional turmoil.Having the Earl of Northfield in residence at the same Christmastide house party likely contributed to her unease.Not that he had done anything to warrant the apprehension that filled her; it was more her own uncertainty.The earl had always been the kindest of men, and even now, when she was being so bloody difficult, he honored her wishes.
The problem, of course, was that she no longer knew what she truly wanted.She had once thought her desires were clear, but her fears had taken over.Elena blamed her late husband for the doubt that kept her from moving forward.Once, she had desperately wanted to be Theo’s wife, to share her life with him.But that dream had been dashed before it ever had a chance.Now that she could have that future, she could not allow herself the luxury.
Elena was…damaged.
She could not be the kind of wife Theo deserved.He needed someone whole, someone he could be proud to call his own.She couldn’t shake the shadow of her past.Her husband had abused her daily, and when his attempts to impregnate her failed, the abuse only worsened.She feared she might never bear children.The lord knew Dryden had done his best to get her with child.He’d used her roughly, day after day, and when she had fought back, his cruelty grew darker, leaving her battered and bruised.It had been better to allow him to use her.She had endured, and kept her dissent to herself.Those years with him had altered her in ways that she could never fully express.She had a far darker outlook on life now.
Theo should have a wife who could give him heirs and who didn’t shudder at the idea of lying with a man.She had always acted as if she’d taken lovers, but she hadn’t; the thought of intimacy filled her with distaste.No, she could never be what Theo needed.He deserved so much more than she could ever offer him.Somehow she would have to make him understand.
“This is the last place I expected to find you,” Theo said as he entered the conservatory.
Elena closed her eyes, reminding herself to breathe.She could endure this.Theo would never hurt her.He was as trustworthy as Eli—her dear friend.Slowly, she turned to face him, her expression carefully impassive, concealing just how much he still affected her.“Were you looking for me?”she asked.
“I was,” he replied, strolling further into the conservatory.He stopped by the orange tree, inhaling its fragrance with a smile.“These smell wonderful.”
“Lady Winston is quite the connoisseur,” Elena replied.“She adores oranges.I believe there’s a lemon tree somewhere as well.”This was a silly conversation, but at least it held the illusion of safety.
“Is there?”His smile widened.“I suppose they come in handy when making punch for guests.”Theo moved closer.“But I didn’t come here to discuss lemons and oranges.”
She had hoped to avoid a serious conversation, but clearly, he had other plans.“But they are such interesting plants.”Her lips twitched in a faint smile.“And delicious too.”
“I won’t disagree,” he said, “but I’d much rather talk about you.”
She sighed, realizing her final attempt to steer him off course had failed.“I’m not open to that discussion,” she replied, her smile fading.“Some things are best left in the past.”
“I disagree,” he said gently.He reached out, brushing his thumb over her cheek.“But it isn’t the past I wish to discuss with you.”
She was taken aback.What could he want, if not to speak of how their future had been stolen by her father’s choices?Without her father’s gambling, she would have married Theo and perhaps been blissfully happy by now.“What do you want from me?”she asked quietly, almost reverently.She almost feared his answer.No, there was no almost about it.Her fear was palpable and she tasted its bitterness on her tongue.
“I want your happiness,” he told her as if the simplicity of that statement could be made true just by voicing it and sending it off into the ether.“Above that I want to spend the rest of my days loving you and ensuring you are not only always protected, but cherished.”
Elena looked away.“That’s an impossible thing to expect.”
“You should expect nothing less.”His tone was fierce, but without reproach.“You should never have been mistreated.I would undo it all if I could.I’d kill him for you, were he not already dead.”He closed his eyes.“I wish I had saved you from him.”
“None of it was your fault.”She shook her head.The blame rested solely on her father.Had he been a better man, she’d never have been forced to marry Dryden.“You have to let me go.”
“I don’t have to do any such thing.”His steadfast gaze told her all she needed to know—Theo wasn’t going to walk away.“I love you.I always have, and I’ll be damned if I give up easily.”He brushed her cheek with his knuckles, a touch so tender it nearly undid her.“It’s your decision, darling.It will always be yours, but I am not running away.I’ll be here, waiting.And when you’re ready, I’ll open my arms and welcome you.”
She swallowed hard.“Theo…”
“Don’t say anything,” he said, gently.“Not now.It would be an answer I’m not willing to hear and one you’ll regret later.Think on it, and when you’re ready to listen to your heart, come find me.I don’t make promises lightly and you may trust in me.I will never allow anyone to ever hurt you again.”With that, he turned and left her alone.
Theo had given her much to consider.The question was, did she have the courage to open herself to him?Elena wasn’t certain she could—even with a man as wonderful as her earl.
Six
Elena didn’t know what to think anymore.Her life had been filled with turmoil for so long that she thought she was finally free of all discord.Yet that conversation with Theo had loosened something within her, unraveling the careful control she had over her emotions—if she had ever truly had any.She sucked in a breath, attempting to calm herself, but instead, a tremor began that she could not stop.What was happening to her?
“Are you all right?”
She heard the question and recognized the voice, but her vision was blurred, keeping her from seeing the speaker.Elena turned toward him, shaking her head.She didn’t trust her own voice to respond without breaking down.Tears sprang to her eyes, and she furiously wiped them away before they could fall down her cheeks.
“Elena,” the man said gently.“Look at me.”
She knew him.Of course, she did.She had met all the guests at Lady Winston’s house party, but only two men would dare use her given name.One had just left her alone to think about what he’d said.So that left only one possibility.“Eli?”she asked, needing to be sure.
