Page 36 of Isn't It Obvious?
“Yeah,” Yael says. Her throat is so thick now, it’s almost painful. “Yeah,” she repeats, and then she starts to cry.
ELLE’S BREATHING ONthe other end gets shaky, stuttered. Ravi hears her swallow and suck in another breath. “Are you okay?” he asks.
“Yeah. I’m sorry,” she says, and he can tell that she’s crying.
Ravi has no idea what to do. He wants to reach for her. All he can do is fiddle uselessly with the strings of his sweatpants. “I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he says.
“It’s not in a bad way, I don’t think,” Elle says. She gives another few audible exhales, and they get steadier as she goes. “What you said was nice.”
“I wish I was there,” Ravi says. “I wish I could… I don’t know. Hold your hand, or hug you.”
“I wish that, too,” Elle says. “God, do I want that.”
They’re both quiet for a moment, and Ravi feels his own chest tighten, his eyes prick. Like he might cry, too.
“I might not have been able to tell you all this if you were here, though,” she says.
“No?”
“I think it’s easier for me because I can’t see you. Because I’ve never met you, so if I lose you, I’m not really losing anything.”
At that, there’s a sharp pang in Ravi’s core.Hewould feel like he’s losing something.
“At least, that’s what I’m telling myself,” she continues.“I don’t know that I really believe it. But it definitely makes it easier to share things. I don’t… I haven’t dated seriously since her.”
Ravi swallows against his constricting throat. “Not everyone would be like that,” he says.
“It’s not just about them. It’s me. I want to make sure I’m better first. That I won’t be at my worst again.”
“Elle,” Ravi says, because he isn’t sure how to capture what he’s thinking—that she’s being unfair to herself, that seeing her at her worst is the point, that her ex is a horrible person who never deserved her.
She responds with a sad-sounding laugh. “That’s not even my real name, you know. I use a pseudonym so my day job doesn’t find out.”
Ravi leans forward, propping his arms on his knees. He hasn’t even known hernamethis whole time? “What’s your real name, then?”
“I don’t know if I’m ready for that,” she says. “Like I said, it’s easier.”
“So you want me to still call you Elle,” he says.
“If that’s okay,” she says.
He swallows, nodding.I guess it’ll have to be.“Yeah, that’s okay.”
“Thank you, Kevin.”
Ravi pushes a breath through his nose. “I forgot—I guess you don’t know my real name, either.”
“You used a fake name on your resumé?” Her incredulity comes through even in a whisper.
“No,” he says. “But I go by my middle name in person. I don’t think anyone ever calls me Kevin to my face outside a doctor’s office.”
“Why didn’t you correct me in that first email?”
“Didn’t see the point, I guess. I didn’t think we would become…” He doesn’t know how to finish that sentence.Friends?No, that’s not quite right.
“Yeah, me neither,” she says, and he can tell she understands exactly what he means. A pause, and then, “Can I know your real name?”
He wants to tell her, just so he can hear her say it. But he also wants to keep that bargaining chip for himself. “If you tell me yours.” She makes a tiny whine of frustration, and he finds himself laughing. “Sorry, if you’re going to be Elle, I’m going to be Kevin.”
