Page 126 of Backslide
“I was trying to protect you!”
“This is your version of protecting someone? Violating them? Humiliating them? Degrading them?”
He looks to the sky, presses the heels of his hands into his eyes. “This isn’t what I wanted to happen.”
“What did you want?” I ask him.
“I just wanted to protect you fromthat!” he says, gesturing behind a tall wall of speakers. “Where’s your boy now?”
And then I see it. Catch a glimpse from the side where there’s a gap in the sound equipment. I seehim. Noah. Standing half-hidden, facing Lydia, the strap of her dress pushed off her shoulder, his hand on her side. He’s leaning toward her, so they’re only inches apart.And I flash to the moment not long before when we were that close. When he pushed the strap of my dress down too.
With fucking Damien watching.
There is an intake of breath. Mine. Before the full weight of what I am witnessing descends, crashing down on me like another tidal wave.
That’s when Noah feels my gaze on him, like he always does. He looks up, meets my eyes, cocks his head, and then sees what I’m seeing. He bolts away from Lydia and toward me.
“No, no, no,” he says, as he comes closer. “It’s not what it looks like. I know that sounds like bullshit, but for real.”
I shake my head, too stunned to move. Too disappointed. Too sad.
As I force myself to turn to leave, Noah gently grabs my upper arm to stop me. I shake him free. “Don’t touch me!”
At that, the music stops. And suddenly all eyes are on me. The last thing I want in this moment.
“Nell, Lydia had an injury she just wanted me to check out.”
I roll my eyes. “How dumb do you think I am?”
“If you believe it was more than that, pretty dumb.”
“Is that supposed to befunny?”
“Nell,” he says, taking a deep breath to steady himself. “I’m telling you the truth. D, back me up! He was there. Lydia came up and asked me to check out her shoulder. Right?”
Damien shakes his head. “I’m not covering for you anymore, dude. I’m done. She deserves better.”
Noah’s mouth drops open like an escape hatch. Stunned that his boy has turned on him. “Wow,” he says, staring at Damien with a mash-up of confusion and anger. “Just fucking wow.”
I look from Noah, to Damien, to Lydia, who flashes me a wink and a smile.
I’ve never cared enough to even wonder why she despises me so much. But in that moment, I realize she hates me a thousand times more than I hate her.
Noah takes a step toward Damien like he might punch him in the face. And the tension in the space ratchets up, as others consider stepping in. I don’t care if they pulverize each other into tiny particles—but I don’t want to be here to see it.
“I’m leaving,” I say, and turn toward the stairs. And I mean it. I am leaving this party, this property, this state, maybe this hemisphere.
I will set up a new Planet Nellie. Somewhere very far away from these assholes.
“Nell!” Noah calls, turning back to me. “It’sme. You know me. I wouldn’t do this.”
“I don’t know what the hell is going on,” I say, my eyes starting to well, “but I know I don’t want any part of it. I don’t like thisat all.”
I don’t want to feel this way. I will not cry in front of these people. I will not give any of them the satisfaction.
“What’s happening?” Cara says, returning from the bathroom and coming to stand beside me. Her makeup is smudged from our night of festivities, but she looks otherwise happy, glowing—or she did moments before. “What’s going on?”
I have already robbed her of something.
