Page 133 of Pick-Up
“I didn’t steal her boyfriend,” I say. “In 1995.”
“Well, that’s a relief.”
“What’s Hugo doing now, by the way?”
I figure Ethan has done his homework on the other man.
“You want to look him up too? Rekindle things?”
“I think I’ll pass.”
“He’s a substitute doorman on the Upper East Side. And a ‘music producer.’ At least according to his social profile.”
I nod. “That tracks.”
“Tracks track.” Ethan pauses. “I think maybe Kaitlin needs a vacation,” he says, staring into space.
“It seems like it,” I agree.
We stand together, watching the buzzing schoolyard for a beat. A group of fourth graders are competing in a Hula-Hoop competition and they are all terrible.
“Are you okay?” Ethan asks me finally. “I’m sorry you got dragged into all of this.” He looks like he really is. He’s the one who is likely not okay.
I care about him. Am almost moved to offer help. But there are red flags everywhere. And I’ve already been burned too many times. If age has taught me anything, it’s to learn from my mistakes.
“You didn’t know she was messing with my life,” I say. “But you definitely knew she hated me. And you didn’t warn me. You said this wouldn’t be a big deal. But that was a lie of omission. And, to be honest, Ethan, this isn’t the first thing you neglected to tell me.”
“Sasha, I’m so sorry.” His shoulders slump. “I never imagined it could get this bad. I didn’t mean to ruin everything.”
We both know this is a no-go now. We are a no-go. The non-first-date date is off. For good.
I want to cry. My stomach feels like a void. But, instead, I say, “On the upside, now I know, despite all the missed Silly Sock Days and permission forms, that I’m not losing my mind.”
I force a smile. He can’t really return it.
There isn’t much left to say. Whatever ease existed between us has been blown sky-high. Life was certainly simpler on island time, where only the iguanas were thorny. Where’s a baby stingray when you need one?
“I better go find Bart and Nettie,” I say, tucking my hair behind my ear. “Assure them I’m not a hussy. Then explain what a hussy is.”
He nods absently. “I should find Ruby too.”
He doesn’t move. A pall has settled over us. We are coated in sad.
Who are we now?I wonder.All of us. Besides hollowed-out versionsof our former selves. Are we us from before? From three minutes ago? From three years ago? From thirty years ago? Who are the people we carry with us? Can we ever reclaim them or, conversely, let them go?
As I walk away, Celeste spots me and runs up to give me a big hug, shaking her gorgeous head in shock and shoving a ginger cookie in my face. My heartbeat is only just returning to normal speed. And, when I look back, Ethan is still standing where I left him. By himself. Leaning against the chain-link fence. Perhaps trying to find himself in time.
44 | UghETHAN
TO-DO
???
45 | It’s MeKAITLIN
In the mirror in the bathroom off the cafeteria, I am just me—albeit with dark circles, bags, dull skin. But even I know I’ve turned into a monster.
I am furious that they’re together, but also—of course they are.
