Page 109 of Pick-Up
Which means the shoot has to push until the weather improves.Which means I have a problem. Because I need to get home by tomorrow evening or I will miss Halloween. I already know there’s no early enough flight out the following day.
My chest is tight. I’m working hard not to envision the look on Bart’s and Nettie’s faces if I don’t make it back. His wobbly chin. Her watery eyes. And, even though I know it’s irrational, it’s hard for me not to feel like this is karmic. Like this is what I get for giving in to the pull I feel toward Ethan. For making the irresponsible choice and indulging my base impulses. This is what I get for taking my eye off the ball.
Ever since Cliff left, I have put every ounce of energy I could muster into being as good a mother as I can be. That’s why the constant screwups and blunders at school have been so maddening. Because, with the carnage of my marriage, I feel like I have already given my kids an extra hill to climb. I won’t let it become a mountain.
But now I’m on what, if I’m honest, has felt a lot like a vacation. I’ve left them at home while I went off to pursue an opportunity that, if I’m real, I have just jeopardized. No. That’s the wrong word. I have just obliterated. I can’t work for Ethannow!
I text Celeste.
Fuck.
Is that a good fuck or a bad fuck?
It’s an I’m-worried-I-could-get-stuck-here fuck.
Oh. Fuck.
There’s a pause. A few seconds pass. Then she writes:
Hey, it will be okay. I’m obviously taking Henry trick-or-treating. The kids can always stay one more night.
She is a lifesaver. Thank God for her. She’s doing her best. But something is up with her too. I can’t ignore the fact that she just said “I” instead of “we.” Where is Jamie?
I can’t take advantage. And, I know in that instant, there is no way I’m doing that to my kids or to her.
You know what? I’ll be there. No matter what.
Are you sure? Work is work. You know I get that.
I’m sure. I’ll be there. With zombie makeup on. Good chance I might not need the makeup.
Hey! Zombie Mom ismycostume. Don’t steal my thunder.
Twins! Anyway, I’m flying home tomorrow come hell or high water.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane…
It’s a train wreck.
36 | Time After TimeETHAN
She’s going to freak out. Obviously.
She’s already freaking out. Otherwise she wouldn’t be Sasha.
I needed more time.Weneeded more time. To adjust, figure shit out, lock it down.
Especially after she connected the dots about me and Kaitlin. Honestly, how the hell did shenotknow?
As I shave before dinner, I think about what I said earlier—and what I didn’t. I told Sasha it had been awhile since I liked someone like this. What I didn’t say: I can’t remembereverfeeling this way about anyone, especially this quickly.
Never mind how I can’t keep my hands off her. I would have fucking loved to climb back into bed with her instead of kissing her goodbye.
Maybe that’s why the fact that Sasha has completely blocked out meeting me still stings. Maybe it’s more than just a blow to my ego.
Giving myself a no-bullshit once-over in the mirror now, I know that’s the whole truth.
But I’m not going to let some hurt feelings get in the way.
