Page 12 of Research with Rivals
“You want to win, right?” Seraphina asked.
Somehow, she always found the right question. Now that I’d admitted as much to my rival, I should be able to admit it to my closest friends. Still, I hesitated. Desire was like wisps of smoke, unattainable and better left to blow away.
Seraphina saw more than I realized as she rephrased. “This position would help with your sh?—”
“Yes.” I winced, taking the metaphorical olive branch she handed me. This might not have been the whole truth, but it was relevant. I didn’t like discussing my animal. Like maybe if I never spoke of it, then it wouldn’t exist. Luna and Seraphina saw right through that. I could tell by the narrowing of Seraphina’s eyes that she already knew what I planned to do if I got the position.
“Have you told your mom?” she asked.
I sighed but shook my head. “I just found out this afternoon. I don’t want to hurt her, but when it comes to questions about my father, I can’t seem to help it.” I glanced around. No one was with us. The only noise was the gurgle of the river flowing and the soft sounds of the city on the other side of the park. “My shift is getting more insistent. I need to learn more about it. It … it’s unmanageable.”
Luna pursed her lips. “I know Vesten are cagey about their shifts, but what about talking to someone like Gabriel? He seems approachable.”
“No,” I said without hesitation. “Yes, I need to learn how to shift, if possible, but my problem is also about what I shift into. It … well, the animal shouldn’t exist.”
My voice had dropped to a whisper. Since my beast was in total control of my shifts, neither of them had seen her. I couldn’t bring myself to say the animal’s name, but it was enough to know she shouldn’t be real. She was nothing more than a bedtime story that both fae and humans told their children.
I sighed, circling back to why Seraphina mentioned my mom. The Vesten shift was hereditary. My unfathomable form was just another thing that was my father’s fault. And given the restrictions of Vesten society, he was also the only one whocould explain it to me. If I was right and he’d left us rather than something bad happening to him, the Vesten historian position would be my key to finding him.
Unfortunately, finding him alive and well would probably break Mom’s heart.
“You know we’ll always tell you to do what you need to for yourself,” Seraphina said. “Your mom will understand, though.”
The worst part was that she was right. Mom would understand; she’d even encourage me. I just felt guilty that I’d be searching for a father who’d abandoned us. I’d be searching for a way to crush Mom’s dreams. It would be different if he had only abandoned me, but he had left Mom, too. She didn’t speak about it often, but I could tell it wasn’t a pain easily forgotten. Months after he’d left, we’d eventually moved from a small village in the north to Sandrin. It was as if Mom forced herself to take steps forward.
“What if your mom is right and you can’t find him?” Seraphina asked.
I folded my arms over my chest. “It’s a possibility, I guess. I think it’s unlikely.”
Seraphina must have seen my resolve. She nodded and let it drop.
“What about Ambrose?” Luna asked. “You two worked so well together. Now you’re, what? Competing?”
I shrugged. Confronting these emotions had drained me, but at least my beast behaved with Luna and Seraphina. “I assume so. Though he doesn’t see it that way. He thinks the position is already his.”
Luna opened her mouth like she’d respond, but Seraphina elbowed her, and she closed it.
“What? He does. His friends were already joking about it when I left today.”
They shared a glance and nodded.
I put my hands on my hips again. “Yes, working with him on Luna’s inn was … not terrible. But this is different. Not only because I want the position for my own reasons”—I swallowed around the partial admission—“but also because the position should not go to a fae who expects to have it handed to him.”
Luna looked like she’d interrupt again, but Seraphina’s hand slipped to her wrist and squeezed.
“I may not have theVestenqualifications on history, but I do have qualifications. Gabriel took a chance on me as a half-fae, and I haven’t let him down. I know I can do this.”
I wanted so badly to keep going, to addand how amazing would it be for the Vesten Court to have a half-fae in such an important position? It will only help them to understand that we’re not less than them.The words just wouldn’t come out. Even with my closest friends, with females who were also half-fae struggling to find their place between human and fae society, I couldn’t bring myself to voice the want.
My breaths were heavy. Luna stepped forward, placing her hands on my shoulders. “We’re on your side. Always.” She glanced at Seraphina and added, “Maybe let Ambrose speak for himself, but do what you need to do to achieve your goals.”
A long exhale escaped my lips as they both invaded my space and hugged me. Some part of me wanted to cry over the unconditional support. Another part of me wanted to rage about how unfair it was that the fae courts didn’t see these females as perfect just the way they were.
We returnedto the busy tavern, and my heart was a little lighter. I wished I could speak as freely and confidently as Lunaand Seraphina. Their words made all my concerns seem a little less bad—at least for the moment.
I hung my apron back on the hook and prepared to leave. As I perused the tables a final time, I stopped on a middle-aged brunette who hadn’t been there before I went outside. She was alone with a book propped against the table, unaware as I approached.
“Mom, what are you doing here?”
