Page 70 of Fighting the Tide
“Yeah,” she exhales.“Fine.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
Averysitsquietlyinthe passenger seat as I head into town toward the gelato stand.I understand what she was trying to tell me on the beach.I understood every word as she said it.There’s truth there, I know there is, but I don’t know what she means by facing the loss of my mother and Brooke, and yes, in some ways, my father as well.All three of them have proven to me how fleeting mortality is.Each day is a gift, and you never know when it’s going to be your last.So I understand facing what I can only describe as my fears, so that if today or tomorrow ends up being my last day, I could go in peace, ideally.
Just the thought of facing a fear is debilitating though.It takes over every function of your body, rendering you useless, and I have no time to be in such a state.
With my eyes on the road but my mind so far away, my reaction to the bike riding through the crosswalk in front of us is almost too late as I slam on the brakes.Light brown, wavy hair flows out behind the rider and when she turns to look at me, my heart nearly gets stuck in my throat.It’s the freckled nose and full lips turned down into a scowl that has me frozen in place, my hands wrapped around the wheel.
“Jesus Christ, Nolan!”Avery exclaims as she peels her hands off the dashboard.“What happened?”
I turn to look at Avery, my breath trapped in my lungs as I say, “Did you see her?”
“See who?”She looks around me out the driver’s side window and I turn to look in the same direction, but the bike and the girl are long gone.If they were ever there to begin with.
“I’m losing my mind, Avery,” I reveal as I ease through the intersection.“I’ve been seeing Brooke everywhere, but it’s not the Brooke I knew the last time I saw her.”
Avery turns a little in her seat as I pull into the grocery store parking lot, the gelato stand there on the sidewalk beside us.“What are you talking about, Nolan?”she asks as I look out the window.
“She’s haunting me, Avery.It’s Brooke, but it’s Brooke from high school.The girl who was sad and broken, the one I had convinced myself I could save.I think she is haunting me now because I failed, Avery.I didn’t save her.”There’s no one else in this world who I would admit that to, other than Avery, for fear of being described as insane.Her eyes soften as she reaches out to pull my hand from the steering wheel, wrapping her fingers around mine.
“Nolan, I think you need to lay off the booze, and maybe you’re right, being here in this town after everything that’s happened is playing tricks on you.I think this is your mind’s way of forcing you to face the things you feel, and yes, Brooke Eastham is one of them.I don’t agree that you failed her.I think you tried your best, you tried more than your best, but she was always a little broken.That’s not on you, Nolan.”She gets out of the car and walks around the front, pulling open my door and reaching in to unclip my seat belt.My body is still tense at seeing Brooke’s ghost, but I force myself to get out of the car and stretch.
“I think I’m going crazy,” I whisper to Avery as the sounds of cars and music surround us.“I’ve seen her a few times now since I’ve been back, and I’m scared that she’s just as restless in death as she was when she was alive.”Avery steps forward and wraps her arms around my waist, pressing her cheek to my chest.My arms wind their way around her shoulders, hugging her close, the contact soothing my troubles.
“Let’s get some ice cream, and then you should go back to the bed-and-breakfast to get some sleep.”She pulls back, releasing me from the hug, and grabs my hand to pull me toward the gelato stand just as Cassie comes out of the grocery store.Our eyes meet, hers flicking down to mine and Avery’s clasped hands and then back up to my face.Thankfully, she turns away and heads to her parents’ car as Avery continues to haul me toward the gelato stand, oblivious to my interaction with Cassie.
I should have known that it wouldn’t have been that easy, but I enjoyed my time with Avery, putting Cassie from my mind until I walked into the bed-and-breakfast.The woman behind the desk called out my name to tell me a young lady was waiting for me in my room.I wanted to cause a scene, to yell at her for letting anybody into my room, but honestly, I was drained.Now that I’m standing here in front of my door, trying to find the last reserves of my energy and patience, I wish I had stayed at the cottage another night.
I open the door, deciding to face the problem head-on instead of running, and find Cassie laying on my bed, her arms wrapped around my pillow and her tear-stained cheek pressed into the fabric.Her eyes slowly open from the sound of the door shutting and she sits up, giving me a sheepish look.
“This is a new level of crazy, even for you,” I say as I slip off my boots, kicking them to the side.“How did you manage to convince that woman to let you into my room?”
Her eyes widen and flick around the room as her mouth opens, then shuts before she says, “She saw me come here to see you before and I told her I was your girlfriend.”I don’t know why that enrages me, but it does.It’s the fact that Cassie has always tried to claim ownership over me for as long as I can remember, and up until now, I’ve let it go.
“Get out,” I grit out between my teeth.“Get the fuck out.”She stands quickly from the bed, dropping my pillow to the floor.
“Nolan, wait.I’m sorry—”
“You’re insane, Cassie!”I scream and cut her off.“I don’t know how many different ways to say it or to make you understand!I can’t feel guilty anymore!You are not my girlfriend!You never were, and you never will be.”My words bounce off the walls, the thin partitions doing nothing to muffle my tone, and usually I would mind my octave to protect my privacy, but right now I can’t even rationalize the situation around me, let alone police my feelings.
“It fucking sucks!”she screams back, her hands forming fists at her side as her cheeks grow red.“You show more affection toward your gay best friend than you do to the girl you’re fucking!”She’s not lying.Right now, there’s no one else on this Earth I love more than Avery, and even though it’s completely platonic, I can see how her jealous mind would misconstrue that.
“You finally got something right,” I sneer at her, hoping this will be the last fight between us.“You’re just the girl I’m fucking.”Her shoulders deflate as the fight leaves her body, and she gives me a slow nod.
“I can’t even fault you for that,” she says with a sarcastic laugh.“You’ve been telling me exactly what our situation has been for years.”She claps her hands once and throws them up in the air.The universal sign for giving up, and I desperately want to believe that this time it’s true, but her track record states otherwise.“I’m only going to say this one more time, and I promise to leave you alone.Please reconsider renting out the cottage.Stay here.Live here in Chatham.Build yourself a peaceful life because you need it, and maybe once you let go of everything that’s holding you back, you’ll see things differently.”It’s like being pushed through a tunnel that’s sucking you backward as you fight to break out.She hasn’t heard a single word if she’s still asking this of me.It’s like déjà vu because her words are so similar to the ones I said to Brooke.They’re nearly identical to the many times I begged that girl to be with me, and it leaves me speechless.When Cassie realizes I’m not going to say a fucking word, she exhales a sad breath and walks by me to the door.“Don’t go back to New York, Nolan.You’ll end up burying yourself under work, and the boy I once knew will be forever lost.”She slips out of the room, closing the door softly, the click reverberating inside of me as if she slammed it shut and the walls trembled under its force.Maybe now the hold that Cassie has had over me for the past ten years it’s finally gone, and I can begin to put Chatham behind me.Avery will be my only link to this place, but thankfully, she doesn’t force me to face it.
I pull my phone out from my pocket and send a text message to Darren, telling him the house is now free for him to start work on.I ask him what the estimated timeline will be and a few minutes later he gets back, saying there’s not much they’re doing to the structure so he can be out of my hair in three weeks tops.That sounds like an eternity to me being here in Chatham, and it’s as if he senses it when I don’t send a text back because he replies, telling me I don’t have to stay here.If I want, he can also look for renters for the summer.I close my phone and the message thread, letting it be something I contemplate as I take a shower and get ready for bed.
I lay in bed about thirty minutes later, staring up at the ceiling and fighting with myself not to grab the other bottle of whiskey I have sitting on the desk at the end of my bed.Maybe I should leave and let Darren take care of the construction and rental of the cottage because I’m beginning to worry about my state of mind.Instead, I come up with a compromise.One week.I will put out an ad to rent the cottage and spend a little more time with Avery.She’s staying here in Chatham, so I can trust her to keep an eye out on the cottage while I’m in New York.
I finally let my body relax with the assurance that it’s only seven more days and then I can put this chapter of my life behind me.I can move on from Chatham and continue with my career in New York.
Hopefully, Brooke’s ghost stays here and doesn’t follow me back.
Chapter Thirty-Three
I’vespentthebetterpart of this past week with Avery.It’s been days filled with walks on the beach, lunch at our spot, and then gelato in town.There’s something about her being here and putting a routine into my day that’s changed my perspective.Chatham isn’t solely home to my grief and the souls of the people who have long gone.Chatham is also Avery.It doesn’t mean I want to stay here, though.
