Page 69 of Fighting the Tide
“It looks like it’s being used.”I smile at her as I look down to see remnants of burned driftwood.“A new generation sitting in what we created.”
“That’s amazing,” she agrees as she sits on the log, setting the brown bags on the sand.“I got us grilled cheese sandwiches and some wedges.”She rips open the bags at her feet before diving in.“There’s also a tub of tomato soup because I know you like to dip your grilled cheese in that.”My stomach grumbles, the sound nearly overtaking the crashing waves, and Avery laughs again.“When was the last time you ate?”
“Does whiskey count?”I ask as I pop a straw into one of the lemonades and take a long sip.I’m instantly hit with the feeling of being home and I don’t know how to feel about that.Chatham isn’t my home any longer, but sitting here with my best friend like we did so many other times before is freaking havoc on my emotions.
“Oh, Nolan,” she huffs as she hands me a wrapped sandwich and the tub of tomato soup.“I should have come home sooner.You clearly need someone to take care of you.”
“But then I would have to pull you away from the professor,” I tease as I dip my sandwich into the tub of soup and take a bite.My mouth explodes with flavors as I moan loudly, the sound carrying along the beach.
“We called off the engagement,” Avery says quietly.She takes a bite of her sandwich as I stare at the side of her face, shock coursing through me as she looks out to the ocean.
“What?”is all I manage to say as I stare at her.
She turns and gives me a sad smile before shrugging her shoulders.“It would never lead to marriage, Nolan.I think I was the young girlfriend she enjoyed, and she was a mother figure I needed while I sorted out my life.”She takes another bite of her sandwich and looks back out at the ocean while I’m still speechless.I bring the tub of soup to my mouth as she continues, “I miss Chatham.I miss you.I miss my family.”Her voice breaks with emotion as her face fills with sadness.“Boston wasn’t home, but as soon as I drove past the town sign today, I knew this was it.Chatham is home.”
“So you’re moving back?”Fear works its way through me and I don’t understand why.I feel like I’ve been hauled out with the current and I’m struggling to find my way back to shore.
“Yeah.My car is filled with boxes and Mom is willing to let me stay in the house until I find a place of my own.”I envy her for figuring out what she wants to do and going for it.Fear has never held Avery back, and it shows in her bravery with her sexuality, even when the subject was so taboo.
“What will you do here?In Boston, you were freelancing for a big magazine.”I bite into the last piece of my grilled cheese, crumpling the wrapper and throwing it into one of the bags as I watch her nod and chew her bite.
“I thought I could do some freelance work for a couple of the local newspapers in the beginning, like I did when I was in Boston.Maybe eventually I’ll find something more permanent.”She throws her wrapper into the bag and takes a long drink of her lemonade, her throat working with each swallow.Again, I’m filled with envy, but I’m not sure why.I don’t want to be here in Chatham, but I do want to find my path.
“Can I admit something to you?”I ask.She turns to look at me, her mocha eyes filled with concern.“I’m jealous of you.”Her eyebrows shoot up as her face fills with surprise.“You’ve found something I’ve been searching for a long time, and even though it’s back here in Chatham, I’m happy for you.You found your home, a place where you belong.”
“Your home can be here too, Nolan,” she tells me, completely missing the point, but I don’t have the strength to explain to her how I’m feeling.It wouldn’t matter anyway because I don’t even know how to explain it myself.I shrug my shoulders and look out at the ocean, drinking the last bit of my lemonade before throwing the cup into the bag.“I saw Cassie when I was in town.”Avery changes the subject.“Did you guys come together?”
“Cassie followed me here,” I say as I shake my head.“She wants to move back here too.She thought once Dad died, we would come and live in the cottage together.”Avery’s dry laugh has my head spinning to look at her, my eyebrow lifting in question.
“I saw her in town talking to Kasen,” she reveals, her eyes meeting mine.“They were standing a little too close, you know, and he kept touching her hair.She was laughing.”
I absorb her words, waiting for a shot of anger or jealousy, but I’m surprised when I feel relief.“I don’t care,” I admit.I don’t say it like a brat.It’s the truth.I really don’t care who Cassie connects with or begins to date.
“You guys aren’t serious?”Avery prods.I don’t blame her for asking because I’ve been quiet over the years about my love life or lack thereof.
“No, we’re not serious,” I tell her.“At least, I wasn’t serious, and before you berate me, she knew exactly how I was feeling.”I hold up my hand as she opens her mouth.“Honestly!I told her I never wanted a relationship.I don’t want marriage.I don’t want kids.Each time she would show back up at my front door.”
“And what, Nolan?She tripped over the threshold and landed on your dick?”she huffs as she shakes her head and I scrub my hand over my mouth to hide the smile that’s growing, praying I can hold in my laughter.
“Listen, I know I should have turned her away, but I told myself I was being honest with her and that her decisions were her own to make.”
“So she thought she would eventually convince you to get married and have children,” Avery surmises with a scoff.“Why do some women fall into the trap where their heart negates their mind and convince themselves they’re living in a fairy tale?”
“I hope she does find her fairy tale,” I confess as I stand from the log and dust off my pants.“She deserves that.She’s a good person.I’m just not her happily ever after.”
I pick up one of the bags as Avery picks up the other and both of us head back toward the cottage.“So, you’re telling me you live alone in that big house in New York?”She rolls her eyes.“No wonder you feel lost, Nolan.”
“Are you saying I have to move someone into the house so it feels like a home?”I reiterate, confusion lining the words.
“At least adopt a cat or a dog.Have something that’s going to love you unconditionally.You’ve shut yourself off completely to all relationships.I’m scared for you,” she admits.“You work too much, you don’t socialize enough, and you’ve built this carefully constructed façade of a cold and distant man.It’s at war with whom you really are on the inside.You feel lost because you are.”
Her words strike a chord inside of me, echoing in my head as I look out to the ocean, wondering if my mother is there listening and agreeing with everything Avery is saying.Being here in Chatham has been confusing.I thought I knew who I was before I got here, but all of that has changed in the last few days.
“I can’t live here and be happy,” I explain.“Too much death and agony surrounds every good memory.I can’t think of one without feeling sad.I see us running on the beach with my mother, but then I feel her loss as fresh as the day it happened.Or our parties on the beach, but then I see Brooke’s sad face and feel crushed under the weight of losing her.”She stops walking and turns to face me, making me halt in my tracks, her tears spilling out and down her cheeks.
“You have to face it, Nolan.You haven’t given yourself a chance to feel any of it, and until you forgive yourself for whatever reason you feel responsible for those deaths, you’ll never be able to live a life free of grief.”
“We need some gelato.”I reach forward and wipe a tear from her cheek.“Yeah?”
