Page 54 of Fighting the Tide
“I’m sure going to miss seeing you around here, Nolan.”I get off the bed and begin to haul on my pants, hoping that if I don’t say anything she won’t suggest what I know is coming.“Maybe we should do this in your new apartment.”And there it is.
“I’ll call you, Deidre,” I tell her, even though I have no intention of doing that, and grab my latest model Nokia cell phone off the side table.I put her number in there earlier, but I don’t plan on ever using it.Just like the others sitting in there from over the years.
I hear her huff as she gets dressed, but I don’t have time to stick around and soothe her wounded ego.I’m sure there will be many college boys who are going to love to fuck Deidre, and I’m sure she’s had her fair share.I won’t be the last.
I grab the cap and gown, knowing I have to return it to the school, and head out of the dorm.The room is now empty, not a single bit of evidence that I was ever there.Oh wait, the condom in the trash bin doesn’t count.
I really can’t believe I have my own bachelor apartment in the Upper West Side here in Manhattan, and it’s all thanks to WTRV for giving me an enormous advance on my sparkling new job position a few weeks ago.I am now the newest sports commentator for WTRV station and it was all by fluke.I covered an emergency leave a few months ago and the feedback the station received after the game was huge.They couldn’t ignore it, and instead, offered me a staggering advance just to sweeten the deal.
I step out of my dorm room, leaving Deidre sitting on the bed, and head to the parking lot, looking around for my brand-new, black Honda Civic.It’s fully loaded with tinted windows and all fucking mine.Some days I have to slap myself just to believe that this is all real, then I think of the woman I’m doing it all for, and I hope she sees how much I’ve accomplished.
I get in the car and flip down the visor, brushing back my shorter hair, and take a minute just to stare at my reflection.I’m still me, I know I am, but I’ve also changed.The icy demeanor is not forced, and there are times when I say or do things I wonder if the old Nolan Sears would feel bad about, and more often than not, the answer is yes.I wish I could say the change is unwelcome, but it’s not.I like this new version of me.
My cell phone rings in my pocket and I reach in to pull it out, answering it as I flip the visor back up.“Hello?”
“Hey, you.”A smile works across my mouth as I put the key in the ignition and start the car.
“Are we still on for tonight?”I ask as Cassie’s husky laugh comes through the speaker.
“Of course.Can you text me the address?”Her voice has become richer over the years, and even though her school career has been rocky, she also graduated and found a job at a local magazine as the fashion coordinator.
“Yeah, I’ll do that as soon as I get back to the apartment,” I promise as I turn out of the campus and head in the direction of my new home.
I’m just about to hang up when she asks, “Are you sure you don’t want to go home for the summer?It’s been a long time.”
It’s a question I’ve been answering for her often in the last few weeks, so instead of repeating myself, I hang up and toss my phone into the passenger seat, rolling my eyes at her persistence.Cassie has been sharing my bed for the last year, me finally giving in after a drunken night out in New York City, but she has never asked for more than what it is.If I’m being honest, she is the easiest to be with, it’s almost as though she’s wanting the same things as me, pleasure with no strings attached.
I know she hasn’t been exclusive to just me, just as she knows I haven’t been to her, but when we’re together, she has a way of making me feel like I'm the only person in her life.I can’t help that I like it so much.There’s a part of me that misses being the center of someone’s world, and I lost it the day I was told my mother died.Even though it’s not genuine with Cassie, she’s great at deception and I’ve taught myself to take it as truth.Even if it is short-lived and on a somewhat nightly basis.
I pull into the underground garage and park my car in the spot designated for me before heading to the elevators, which takes me up to the fifth floor.It’s not a penthouse suite yet, but I’m hoping in the next few years it will be.I’ve harvested all the energy I have and funneled it all into my career, saving a little bit here and there for Cassie and the other women I decide to shower my attention with for a few hours.To most, that would sound like a meaningless life, but to me, it’s the easiest one I’ve ever lived.
I’m not pining for a girl.I’m not giving my everything to one woman, only to have it thrown back in my face, and regardless, there’s not much of myself left to give.I haven’t spoken her name out loud in years, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about her every day.I just have better ways of coping nowadays.Sometimes I wonder what she looks like now and if she still owns the theater in town.I wonder if she heads to the lighthouse some nights and stands at that railing, remembering the boy who promised to always look after her.Does she ever step over that railing, leaning out over the water and wishing she was brave enough to end it all?I may not have spoken a word about her in the last two years, but there’s never a moment that she’s not there in my mind.The ache for her will always be there, but now it’s hidden behind a wall of stone I erected for my own protection.
I get inside and look around at my very first place, and yeah, it’s small being a bachelor’s apartment, but it’s mine.My kitchen and bedroom are all in one big room, and I even bought myself a futon that can act as a couch if I have people over, then I can fold it down into a bed when I’m ready to go to sleep.The apartment is small and cramped, but I won’t be here for long.I pull my phone out of my pocket, remembering to send the address to Cassie.This will be her first time coming here and it was a decision I didn’t make lightly.Even though she hasn’t expressed the need for a commitment, I’m afraid that having her over in my apartment may change her mind.I send the text anyway, and right after my phone rings, I roll my eyes, thinking it’s her.
“Do you need me to tell you how to get here?”
“Please tell me you didn’t think I was one of your floozies,” Avery huffs in my ear, and I fall onto the futon laughing.
“It’s a really good possibility that I did,” I admit to her as she groans.
“You’re sick,” she spits out, only making me laugh harder.“How’s the new place?”
“It’s home, Avery,” I reveal to the only person in the world I allow to see my vulnerability.“It’s finally home.”
“I’m so glad, Nolan.”She’s quiet for a little bit, and I can almost hear her thinking over the speaker as my stomach flips with unease.After a few seconds, her voice comes back as she says, “I’m not going home for the summer this year.”My eyebrows shoot up in shock because Avery has never missed a summer in Chatham, and it makes me wonder what orwhocould have changed that.
“Oh?”I drawl, letting her know I won’t push her for details, but I want them nonetheless.
“I met someone.”
“Really?”I sit up because the tone of her voice is so serious and I can even detect hints of fear there.“Who is she?”
“She’s a professor—”
“No way!”I cut her off and begin to laugh.
“Fuck you!”She chuckles back.“But yes, she is a professor at Boston U, and yeah, she wasmyprofessor, but we didn’t make it official until after graduation.”
