Page 50 of Fighting the Tide
You were sitting there cross-legged under the bleachers, your hair a tangled mess of waves around your face, and your vibrant blue eyeshadow so bright against your skin.I remember thinking if I just got close enough, I’d be able to count each freckle on your nose, but then I’d have to inhale the toxic cloud of your smoke.Junior year, high school, was when you somehow wrapped your hand around my heart, carved your name so deep into the tissue that every pump afterward belonged to you.
I made a promise to you that night on top of the lighthouse.I said I would watch over you and make sure that you knew life was worth living, but in doing so, I forgot to live mine.I wanted you to see what I see when I think of us, and I wanted you to know the first moment that I fell hard because that was it, there beneath the bleachers.
Everything after that only added to how hard I was falling for you, and even though right now I don’t think there’s anything else in this world that I love more, I promise you, Brooke, that I can and I will walk away after this.If you tell me that this isn’t what you want, I won’t push you and this will be it.
I will wait for your reply, but I won’t wait forever.
Love always,
Nolan
I fold it up and get out of the truck, making my way across the beach and heading toward the lighthouse.If things do end between Brooke and me, I don’t think I could ever come back in here.There are just too many memories that live inside this old tower, and I know they’ll never let me move on.I pull the brick out of the wall and tuck the letter in there, then push the brick back into place, leaving the side with theB & Nfacing outward.Maybe if she comes in here and loses her nerve, she’ll see that and it’ll be a reminder of why she etched it into the surface to begin with.
Now it’s just a waiting game, but I make myself promise not to wait forever.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Whenaweekgoesby without the letter being read, I know then it’s time to let it go.I’ve even been giving her the space she’s clearly needing and avoiding our morning coffee dates as well.My heart becomes like a stone in my chest, cold and hard, and I fear it will never function properly again.I’ve been passing the time, spending each day with my mother and most nights with Avery on the beach, her quiet presence giving me strength to make it through to the next day.We haven’t spoken about Brooke, and it’s as if that promise from years ago is still there and alive.Avery refuses to bring her up, probably seeing how much it’s affected me lately, and I’ve never appreciated her more.
“We got the fireworks ready, I just… I’m gonna need you to light them,” she tells me as I tip my head back with a laugh.“What, Nolan?Those things are dangerous, and knowing me, I’ll end up with one of them slipping down my pants and it’ll be an Avery Fourth of July firework in the center of the sky.”The smile on her face grows as my laugh strengthens, the sound echoing out into the ocean.
“Sure, I’ll light them.”I nod as I throw another piece of wood into our fire.
“Are you sure you don’t want to do anything for your birthday this year?”she asks, her eyes on the flames as they dance in colors of reds and oranges.“You’re going to be nineteen.”
“It’s only another year older, Aves.”I shrug my shoulders, knowing I sound just as depressed as I look, but thankfully she doesn’t push it because I really don’t have any desire to celebrate.
“I convinced Darren to buy me the keg and to hold it at Dad’s house until the party.”At the mention of her brother, the memory of him and my father runs through my mind, and I’m forced to admit that maybe I saw something that didn’t happen.I know they were together in that parking lot, but I didn’t see anything exchanged.There have been a few times that I’ve followed Dad into town, and he’s never again been seen with Darren.
“We’ll have to be careful.You know how the cops like to patrol the beaches on the Fourth of July,” I warn her as I lean forward and stare into the fire.
“Well, they’ve left us alone these last few years.Let’s hope for a repeat.”She pushes up off the log and gives me a smile.“I think I’m going to call it a night.”
“Sounds good,” I mumble and then look up at her when her hand lands on my shoulder.
“In a few days, you and I will be here, partying it up and drinking away our troubles, forgetting about the things that bring us down, right?”She gives me a pointed look.I have no other choice but to nod, even though the thought of drinking is unappealing to me.“Good,” she says and gives me a pat before tucking her hands into her sweater pocket.“I’ll be by tomorrow.”
“See you then.”I watch as she walks away, her step having a little more pep lately, and I wonder what’s changed.I know Monica is back in town, but I think Avery would tell me if they were seeing each other again.Or not, considering I don’t tell her much about Brooke.
When she’s out of sight, I turn back to the fire just as my chest throbs, and I stand quickly, spinning to face the lighthouse in the distance.Could it be?I follow that feeling, that invisible thread that tightens its hold around my heart, yanking me toward the person who has a firm grip on it.I’m transported back in time to being sixteen again and stumbling through the sand to get to the girl who was ready to throw it all away.
I stand in front of the open gate and peer at the closed door, wondering if she’s still in there.My steps are slow and it feels like my shoes are suddenly filled with lead.The dread that coils in the bottom of my stomach is a warning, and I don’t ignore it as I pull open the door and peer inside.The light from the moon filters in through the open doorway, illuminating the small circular room, telling me she’s not here, but when I take a deep breath, I swear I can smell the lingering scent of her perfume.
My eyes skip to that brick and my heart begins to gallop in my rib cage as I stagger forward, my fingers running along the surface of the rough rock.She was here because theB & Nhas been turned around, a sign that she’s left me something inside.
My fingers grip into the rough edges of the brick and I pull it out to look inside.That’s when I see the other purple candle and a small note folded inside.My fingers tremble as I grab the candle, already knowing what this means, but still, I curse my masochistic heart as I slip that candle into my pocket and reach back in for the piece of paper.Then I walk to the narrow stairs and sit down as I unfold it and smooth it out on my knees.I was right, it’s only a ripped half a page, as if I wasn’t even worth her time to write a decent letter.
Nolan,
You’re right.
Everything you’ve said is right, and even though I want to be that person for you, I’ve tried many times before and failed.There’s too much between us now, and it feels like I’d have to climb a mountain to be worthy of you.I have my own business now, a test that my parents are giving me and I can’t fail.There are things that depend on my success, and right now, that means I can’t let you or anyone else get in the way.
Go to college, Nolan.Become the person you’ve always wanted to be, and if you and I are meant to be, then you know where to find me.
Always,
Brooke
