Page 42 of Fighting the Tide
“What’s going on, Sanderson?”I call out, making her head pop up.Her face reveals nothing but cold indifference.
“She’s home.”She rests her chin back on her knees to watch the fire.“But she didn’t come here to see me.She’s trying to repair the relationship I ruined with her parents.So she doesn’t want me around.”
“You ruined?”I question as I sit on the log beside hers, my brow raising.“What do you mean?”
“She came out to them the same time I did to mine.She told them she loved me and they completely disowned her.I didn’t know that, Nolan.I didn’t know they did that to her.They cut her off financially, and she’s here to beg them to take her back, to pay for her next year’s tuition.”She sniffs and runs the sleeve of her sweater under her nose.“She told them I was a mistake, and that she was going to try again with Kasen.It didn’t help her ‘cause when I showed up on her front porch today she basically told me I’ve ruined her life.”
“Damn.”I whistle as I shake my head.Any troubles Brooke and I have, none of it even comes close to what Avery and Monica face.“Surely she’s just saying those things to her parents so they won’t cut her off?”
“I don’t know, but I can’t keep doing this to myself,” she whispers, her words being eaten up by the crackle of the fire.“My entire world has always revolved around Monica and it needs to end.I cannot be treated like someone’s filthy secret, and I refuse to be threatened with the likes of Kasen Barnette ever again.He’s always been a pawn, just like me, and I won’t be played against him.”
The finality of her words and the strength in her tone differ from all the other times she’s sworn Monica off.This time, Avery sees her worth, and even though my heart is breaking along with her, I have never been so proud of her.
“Don’t fall into the same cycle, Nolan,” she warns.“Don’t get lost in the same dance with Brooke.You will never be enough for her, no matter how hard you try.You will always be Nolan Sears, the poor son of their housekeeper.It doesn’t matter how hard you study, how successful you become, it won’t change how they see you.You and I will never be enough for the likes of the Bentons and Easthams.Do yourself a favor and cut her loose.”She doesn’t move her gaze from the flames, but even without her eyes on mine, I can feel each word like a carefully placed boulder on my shoulders.
I know she’s right.There’s nothing that will make me worthy of Brooke in her parents’ eyes, but I had always hoped it would be her and me against the world one day, fighting the odds as we love each other.It’s a silly dream, but I can’t let it go, not even when Avery’s and my mother’s warnings are sounding loud in my ears.
“I need to get home,” she says as she rises from the log.“I’m heading back to Boston tomorrow.”
“Seriously?”I stand as my throat swells with sadness.“Don’t go yet.We can hang out—"
“I’m sorry, Nolan.”She shakes her head and steps into me, wrapping her arms around my waist.“I love you.You know that.I just can’t be here right now.”
I hug her back, holding her trembling frame, and then kiss the top of her head.“I’ll call you when I get back to New York.”
“Okay,” she whispers and pulls away, looking up at me with tear-filled eyes.“Think about what I said, okay?Don’t become a pawn in Brooke’s game.”
I nod and watch as she turns away, walking back up the beach with her head bowed and her hands in her sweater pocket.Her words stay with me long after she leaves, and when it comes time to meet Brooke at the lighthouse, I hesitate.It lasts a mere few seconds before I rise to my feet and head to the aging structure on the beach, my heart pounding in both anticipation and fear.I don’t want to be a pawn in Brooke’s game, one she’s expertly moved around with acute precision, but I don’t know how to stay away either.
I thought I was doing such a good job in New York, but it’s obvious I was only masking my pain.As soon as I was back here in Chatham, I couldn’t stay away from her if I tried.
The lighthouse appears in the distance, and I find the gate swinging open and shut with the wind, making the hinges creak with the motion.I know she’s in there, I can feel it, and my feet steadily take me to her as my heart begins to harden.I’ve spent the last few times begging Brooke to love me, begging her to be with me, but I saw the look of resignation in her eyes.I know she cares about me, I can feel it whenever we’re close, but so much has changed in the ten months that we’ve been apart and there are secrets that she’s hiding while keeping me on her playing board.Avery is right.I’ve never been more than just a pawn, and the thought is heartbreaking as I step past the gate and look up at the lighthouse.I will never be the king next to Brooke’s queen.It just would never make sense, but I was hoping that we would crash every standard and fight for the love we have, and a part of me still does.I don’t know when I became a hopeless romantic, and it only seems to be for the woman who grasps my soul in her hands.I don’t know how this is all going to end, and maybe… just maybe, I’ll get the ending I’ve been desperately wanting.Or I’ll walk away from her and Chatham to live a life without the restraints of the pawn on the chessboard of life.
I step inside the lighthouse and look around, shocked when I don’t find her here waiting like last time, but when I tip my head up and look to the top, I see the exterior door open.My first reaction is to rush for the stairs because I will never forget the promise I made her all those years ago, and as I take the stairs two at a time, I tell myself that nothing’s changed and if I find her hanging out over that edge again, I won’t hesitate to stand there beside her.
I push out through the door and stand on the platform, looking out toward the ocean.My relief is instantaneous when I look to my right and see Brooke standing there on the right side of the railing as she leans out and looks at the ocean.“Did you think I’d be hanging over the ledge again?”she asks as she turns her head and gives me a secretive smile, the sight nearly bringing me to my knees.My chest rapidly rises and falls as I try to calm my breathing.
“Maybe,” I admit as I somehow find a way to work my feet into moving to stand beside her, watching as she stares out at the ocean.“I would’ve had to climb over this railing again and pray I didn’t do something stupid and fall off just to save you.”Her laugh goes out over the ocean as the memory hits us both.
“I really thought you were going to die that night.”She chuckles as she straightens and turns to look at me.“I was petrified that I would be the cause of Nolan Sears’ apparent suicide.”
“I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d come back to haunt you,” I remind her and she laughs again.“I wouldn’t have blamed you, though.I would’ve blamed David MacNeill, that bastard.”At the mention of his name, Brooke becomes quiet and steps back from the railing until her back meets the exterior wall of the lighthouse.She continues to watch the waves while a small smile plays around her lips.“What’s wrong?”
“I’ve always felt fond of David MacNeill and it’s your fault,” she admits, her words sending a shock through me.
“Please explain that to me, because I’m thinking you’ve lost your damn mind.”If this is her idea of a joke, it’s a cruel one because I would like nothing more than to crush David MacNeill’s and Sean Clark’s windpipe beneath my palm.
“Because he brought us together,” she whispers, and I have to step closer to hear what she’s saying as her eyes flick over my face.“That day when I found out he was cheating on me, I thought my world was over.I thought everything I wanted was flushed down the toilet, but then you showed up.At first, I didn’t know what to make of you, but all of that changed the moment I saw you making out with Cassie.I just knew we were meant to be something.”She shakes her head and runs her finger along her bottom lip, and I stand here watching her, riveted on every movement she makes.There’s no way I’ll ever be able to leave Brooke.It won’t be possible, and even if I am a pawn on her chessboard, there’s no changing that now.I don’t see how I’ll ever be able to disentangle the grasp she has on my soul.
“Tell me this is your way of saying you want to give us a shot.Tell me I’m not leaving here with another broken heart.”I know I shouldn’t say that, guilting her into wanting to be with me, but I can’t help it.I’m not above begging and she knows it as she gives me a small smile.
“Let’s take this one step at a time,” she suggests as she pushes off the wall and slowly makes her way in front of me.“Let’s see if this even works.We’ll wait until you’re done with college, and if you still want to come home and be with me, I won’t fight you anymore.But if there’s a chance that you could become something great in New York, that your life will mean something, I need you to take that future in both of your hands and embrace it.”Her small hands land on my chest as she grips the material of my sweater with her fingers, her eyes searching mine and imploring me to listen.I cover her hands with mine, pressing my warmth into her.
“You can come with me,” I tell her.“It doesn’t matter where I go or what happens.You could be there with me.”She nods, but I can see the look in her eyes as she leans up onto her tippy-toes to press a kiss to my mouth.Brooke doesn’t ever think she’s leaving Chatham.I suddenly want to shake her, to tell her that she could be anywhere I am because there’s no way I would ever leave her behind willingly.
She deepens the kiss, and my mind completely shuts down with any argument I have.I don’t want to taint this moment trying to convince her of my feelings or trying to show her just what she means to me.She’s not ready to accept it and I have to accept that.One day I’ll prove it to her because I know that’s what Brooke needs.She’s spent her entire life being disappointed by the people who claim to care about her, or should care about her, and now she won’t settle for anything less than concrete proof, and I can respect that.
So as the wind blows by us with the scent of the ocean in its depths, I pull her shirt off, surprised to find her without a bra, and release her hair from the tangled bun on top of her head.She kicks her shoes and pants aside, along with the tiny scrap of material she calls underwear, while I add mine to the pile.She’s standing in front of me in all her naked glory, her too-thin arms trying to cover her breasts and the thin white lines that decorate them.I don’t care how her body has changed since we were in high school.She’s still my Brooke, and I love every single inch of her.I pull her arms away and lift her up by the waist, bringing her breasts to my mouth as her laugh echoes out over the coast, and then I spend the next few hours showing her just how much I worship her.Just how much I care.
