Page 36 of Fighting the Tide
“Why her?”She suddenly rounds on me, her eyes narrowed.“Why put yourself through that?You had to know what she was like.She never could keep her pants on, and all it took was some blow and a little whiskey to make her forget who she was supposed to be loyal to.”
I search her face, my eyes really soaking in her expression, and I can see it’s not anger she’s projecting, it’s hurt.Brooke has left a lasting impression on me and I can see its reflection sitting next to me on Cassie’s face.“What did she do to you?”I lean on the armrest and settle my chin on the palm of my hand as I wait for her to decide whether to let me in or not.She already knows what her so-called best friend did to me.
“David MacNeill,” she reveals in a whisper, rolling her eyes as she swipes away a tear.“And after him, you.”
“Hold on.”I straighten with surprise and hold my hand up.“Let’s do this step-by-step.You had a crush on David MacNeill?”
“Crush?”She laughs drily, the sound filled with disdain as I drop my hand back down.“I was dating David MacNeill when I found them fucking in my bed one night.Apparently, we weren’t as exclusive as I thought.”She shrugs her shoulders and then gives me a sad smile.“Brooke is so used to always getting what she wants.”Her words are like an echo in my mind, replaying a memory I’ve relived a million times.
“You said that the first night at the beach too,” I point out.“I remember.”
“Probably.It’s the truth, anyway.I said it because she was sinking her claws into you when I very clearly was interested.Then, just like David, you fell for it, chasing after her like a puppy.”
“I didn’t chase after Brooke that night because I wanted her.You don’t know anything about what happened between us those first few weeks.I’m sorry David cheated on you.That’s not cool, but mine and Brooke’s situation was a lot different.”I kind of gloss over the fact that she’s admitting to having feelings for me because I already knew that, and as flattering as it is, I just don’t want to fall back into another situation with someone from Chatham.Everyone knows everyone else’s business, and maybe a part of me is still stupidly loyal to the girl who broke my heart.No, scratch that, she brokeme.
“Sorry if I sounded like a bitch.That wasn’t my intention.It’s just been like this for most of our friendship.I love Brooke, but she’s her own worst enemy.I mean, look what she did with your relationship.”Suddenly, vivid memories of the summer before bombard my mind.It’s like I’m tossed back into Brooke’s backyard, opening that pool house and finding Sean between her legs.I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, and even though I try my best not to get lost in the drama of it all, that wasn’t the exact moment that Brooke broke me.It happened long before that.It was when I saw her suspended on the ledge at the lighthouse, her hair whipping in the wind and her face a determined mask to plummet into that ocean.That was the moment Brooke Eastham broke me.
“So, she didn’t go to college.Is she still in Chatham?What is she doing there?”The questions start flying from my mouth, the ones I was hoping to never ask out loud.I don’t want to appear like I’m desperate for the girl who took my heart and bit into it, claiming a piece for herself and then discarding the rest, ensuring nothing was left for anyone else.
“Your guess is as good as mine.”She turns back to look out the window as she laughs, the sound sarcastic and emotionless.“I called her a few times, but she really didn’t have much time to talk, so I don’t know what she’s been up to.”
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t shocked.My first reaction to what Cassie’s telling me is worry.I know how lost Brooke can get, how she gets swept up in the storm of her life and lets the lashing winds take her where they may.I’ve seen how she falls into a liquor bottle and doesn’t stop until she hits the bottom.I’ve watched her depend on drugs to bring her a false sort of happiness, the type that leaves as soon as she begins to come down.
I fall back in my seat as the train starts going, leaning my head back and closing my eyes, hoping Cassie is better at reading signals than my taxi driver was.I’m not going back to Chatham to get swept up in Brooke’s storm again.It’s only a weekend—four days to be exact—and then I can come back to my new life.Until the next time I’m forced to go home.
“Nolan,” Cassie’s voice penetrates my dream of the lighthouse and the wind in my hair.“We’re here.”I slowly open my eyes with a groan as the sound of my neck cracking bounces around the cabin of the train.I’ve clearly gone soft after ten months of sleeping on a mattress.
People filter off of the train as I suck in a lungful of air.We still have another five hours to endure on a bus.I unfold my cramped body out of the seat and stretch in the aisle, feeling Cassie’s eyes on me the entire time.I’m still processing what she admitted to me about her crush, and I’m not in the market to come between two friends.I chose the girl I wanted to be with the night I saved her from jumping off the ledge.
“Only five more hours, right?”I murmur as I reach for my suitcase and her duffel.
“Yeah.”She gives me a forlorn look as I hand her hers.“Maybe we can talk a bit more on this ride?”
I know what she wants to talk about.I can see it there in her eyes and it only serves to make me want to run in the other direction.I don’t think there’s anything we need to discuss, and I watch as her eyes cloud over at my expression.“We will never be more than just friends.”I decide to tell her the honest truth, and even if it hurts now, at least she can move on completely afterward.
“Nolan—”
“No, Cassie.I’m not in the market for a relationship,” I cut her off and watch as those eyes fill with tears.“I have no intention of heading back home with my ex’s best friend on my arm.I’m not that guy.I will never be that guy.Do me a favor,” I add as I step closer to her, forcing her to tip her head back to look me in the eyes.“Don’t ruin our friendship or potential for friendship by coming on to me, touching me, or wanting to have conversations about what-ifs, it won’t turn out well.”I keep my words firm so they can’t be misconstrued in her head.
“Wow,” she breathes out as she takes a step back.Then she chuckles drily as she averts her gaze out the window, her throat working on a swallow.“It’s hard not to feel resentful.Did you even know I existed before Brooke?”
“I did,” I admit to her with a shrug.“But like all the other people who ran in your circle, you pretty much ignored me.It was Brooke who brought me into your little group’s orbit.You never once tried to speak to me and there were plenty of opportunities.What’s done is done.We either remain friends or we don’t, but those are the only options.”
“You’ve changed.”A small smile coats her full lips and I begin to hope I just didn’t become more appealing with my unattainable status.
“It’s called growing up.”I smile back and motion for her to walk in front of me as we leave the train, my chest already feeling a little freer.It’s hard to tell someone the complete truth.The truth burns when there are no buffers, no sugar-coating, but it’s the best way to avoid any confusion later on.I learned that from my deadbeat father.Through all of his faults, and he had more of those than anything else, he maintained honesty.If he were asked what he was doing out, he would tell you what he did, step-by-step.By the end of last year, I began to understand why my mother stopped asking.The truth is sometimes hard to swallow.
The bus ride ends up being a lot quieter since I made my intentions clear with Cassie.Maybe in another life, we could’ve become something more.If she took the chance before Brooke forced her way into my world, she and I could have very well been in a relationship.Cassie is attractive, and she’s sweet, despite the front she’d been hiding behind during high school.
But I meant what I said.What’s done is done.
Nearly six hours later, we pull into the bus terminal and I see the red pickup truck sitting in the parking lot, making my face break into a smile.I stayed away because I was afraid to face the past, but now that I’m here, I realize just how much I missed home.We’re a little later than the five hours I told my mother on the phone, while we were waiting for our train in New York, and I hope she’s resting while she waits.I hate feeling like any sort of burden to her.
“Looks like my dad is here,” Cassie says beside me as she presses her hand to the window.“Isn’t it funny how we were so eager to leave this place, but the moment we’re back, we don’t understand why we left to begin with?I feel it every time I come home.”
“I was just thinking that,” I admit to her with a laugh.
The bus parks and we all exit in a single file, Cassie’s wild curls brushing against my chest in the process.The excitement bubbling up in my chest is almost too much to bear and I’m shot with a sudden urge to push everyone out of the way so I can run and sweep my mother up into a hug.
