Page 92 of Fighting the Tide
“Was I a consolation prize?Is that why you couldn’t commit to me?”I can see my treatment of her all those years ago has had a lingering effect, and I can’t help but feel horrible about it.
“I shouldn’t have continued that relationship, Cassie.I wasn’t in the right place, and even though I told you my exact intentions, I should’ve realized you would’ve wanted more.I’m sorry for that, but no, you were never a replacement for Brooke, and you were never confused for her.”She winces and downs the glass of brandy, heading back to the bar for a refill.I watch her unscrew the cap and shake her head, a sarcastic laugh escaping her mouth.
“Now you’re with her daughter.”I stand stunned as I stare at her, telling myself I couldn’t have heard her right.
“What?”The word leaves my mouth in a rush as my voice breaks.Heat flares over my face as I try to decipher Cassie’s expression.It’s cold and indifferent.
“I saw her leaving here a few mornings ago.Her hair was a mess and her face swollen with sleep… or lack thereof.Did you think if she left that early, no one would see?”It’s not the fact that Cassie saw Colette here that’s making me feel off.It’s the fact that she was watching my house to begin with.
“How many mornings have you been outside my house?”I take a step toward her as she shrugs her shoulders.
“I go for morning jogs,” she explains, but I don’t miss the look of apprehension in her eyes at my approach.
“Kasen lives on the other side of town!”I bellow, the noise making her jump.A bit of brandy sloshes from the side of her cup and hits the wood floor with a splash.I take a deep breath and turn to the kitchen counter to grab a towel.“What are you doing at my house in the mornings, Cassie?”I try again with a calmer demeanor.
“I don’t know,” she whispers as I throw the towel at her feet, and she bends to wipe up the spill.“I would just find myself here with little thought of the direction I was running in.Why was she at your house, Nolan?You were asking me about her the day before that, wondering if she was your daughter.”She stands and hands me back the towel before taking another drink from her glass.“People will talk.They’ve already started.”
I drop the towel on the kitchen counter and rest a hand on the countertop, the other bringing my glass to my mouth.I take a long drink, letting the burn take over my senses before turning to face Cassie once more.“Nothing happened.She had too much to drink at a beach party and I let her stay here instead of going home.What do you mean, people are already talking?”
“Jeremy Daniels’ family plays golf with Kasen when they’re here and he had a lot to say about theold manwho showed up at the beach party with Colette.”If I didn’t already hate that slimy kid, I would now.“He didn’t say your name, but Kasen knew it was about you because he said he saw you two at the grocery store together and talking about catching a movie.Nolan, Kasen can’t stand you and he’ll spread it all around town in no time.You’ll be known as the man who’s fucking his daughter!”Her shrill tone echoes around my head as her words batter my chest.This is what I was afraid of.The anger seeps from my body and is quickly replaced with fear.I don’t even know that Colette isn’t my daughter and I’ve been dancing too close to the flames, tempting the fire.
“She only said that to get Kasen to leave us alone.Your husband-to-be is fucking weird.”My words are spoken softly without much conviction because I am still reeling over the fact that the rumors have already started.What did I think would happen?The test results would come back and I’d be cleared?I’d order a billboard for the main strip in town?
What if they come back positive?What then?
My heart pounds hard in my chest and I try to suck in a lungful of air and fail.“Nolan?”Cassie’s voice begins to sound garbled and under water as my vision blurs.I had my fingers between my daughter’s legs!“You need some air.”She’s right beside me, her icy hands gripping my bicep and leading me to the back door.
The room spins as she unlocks the door and swings it open, the cool breeze smacking me in the face.I open my mouth and breathe in deeply, letting the salt air fill my lungs and expand my chest.“Thanks,” I choke out once I regain my bearings.“Sorry.”
“It’s fine.”Cassie waves me off and leans against the railing, her back to the ocean as she keeps an eye on me.“What’s happening, Nolan?”
“We did the paternity test today and will get the results in a week or two.Until then, I will stay here in Chatham, where the people are toxic assholes, and wait to find out if I indeed fathered a child while I was a teenager.Beyond that, I don’t fucking know what’s happening.”It’s partially true, but I conveniently leave out the parts where I let this girl convince me she’s not my daughter and I’ve touched her inappropriately.Just the thought of it sends another wave of sickness through me.
“You look pale,” Cassie says as she crosses her arms over her chest.“Do you think she could actually be yours?”
“I think Brooke was capable of many things, one being manipulation.I was home for most of the summer after she had her child and she somehow hid her from me.When I look back on it now, I can see the signs, but back then, I was oblivious and she knew that.If Colette Eastham is proven to be my daughter, I don’t fucking know what I’ll do.”I’ve admitted more to Cassie in the last fifteen minutes than I have to anyone outside my family, and it’s freeing.I don’t bother to hide the terror in my voice or the tremors in my arms as I brace them on the railing to look out over the waves.I’ve been living a dangerous lie these past few days and hoping it would become reality, but the truth is, I’m sick inside.
Maybe Colette was a quick step in for Brooke, maybe that feeling she gave me in my chest was so profoundly Brooke that I couldn’t help myself.Maybe I imagined the whole fucking thing so I could replay a part of my life I lost prematurely.Cassie thinks she was a replacement for Brooke, but instead, it was Brooke’s daughter.The self-deprecating thoughts are only compounded when my chest pulses, my entire body going on alert.My eyes scan the beach until they fall on the lighthouse in the distance, the beacon of light scouring the ocean.
Just the sight of it makes my stomach knot, and if this is a call from Brooke beyond the grave, I won’t answer it.She’s had me on a leash right up until this very moment, and I’m breaking it now.I’ll forgive her for what she’s left behind and for the life she treated so callously just so I can finally move on.My soul will remain fractured and I won’t long for the missing piece anymore.I’ll learn to live with it and begin the life I should’ve had fifteen years ago.
Cassie’s hand on my arm breaks the connection I have to the lighthouse in the distance, and I turn to look down at her.Her dark eyes swim with emotion as she watches me, her hair blowing in the wind, mirroring the waves of the ocean.I could’ve had a life with Cassie, one filled with happiness had I not been so hung up with Brooke in college.I would’ve had a life of love and family instead of being lonely and broken.Now here she is, and I see the offer in her eyes.She’s willing to give it all to me still.I only have to reach out and grab it.
“It’s always been you for me, Nolan,” she confesses as my chest pulses again, my instincts screaming at me to turn around and look at the lighthouse.I ignore them because those instincts aren’t mine.It’s the echoing strings of Brooke still embedded in my heart.So I take the last step to Cassie, closing the distance between us and finally ripping those strings from my chest.
She tips her head back and I lower mine as the sound of the waves crash around us.I’m pulled back fifteen years into my past as her vanilla scent washes over me and her warm breath coasts along my lips.Her arms snake around my waist as her hands grip my shirt at my back, and I continue to look down at her, the offering of her mouth right there.My arms wrap around her as I guide her back to the railing, my body pressing deliciously against hers as she gasps with the sudden movement.Her soft curves fit perfectly against me as my hand runs up along her back and over her shoulder to sink into her wild mane of curls.I want this feeling of closeness.I just don’t know if I’m thinking clearly enough for it to be with Cassie.I want intimacy and loyalty, and I want to leave behind the loneliness I’ve created.I’m done with the life sentence I gave myself the night Brooke died.
I’m ready to forgive myself too.
Just before I lower my head the last fraction to Cassie’s lips, I look out at the ocean.I don’t know what compelled me to do so, but it changes everything in that instant.She’s out there on the beach, her hair blowing behind her and her hands on her hips.I can see her chest moving with the exertion to breathe as her shirt blows up in the wind.Her toned stomach is on display, the abs constricting with each labored breath, and her legs are bare beneath the short spandex black shorts she’s wearing.I can’t see her face from this far, but I can feel her ire as it carries along the wind to slap me in the face.
I want to ignore it, to ignoreher, because everything up to this point has left me feeling like I could be the most disgusting human on this planet.Colette makes the choice for me though and turns away to run back up the beach, her tennis shoes kicking up sand as she goes.
“Nolan?”Cassie’s voice breaks my hold on Colette’s retreating form as her hands rub circles into my back.“Are you okay?”
I pull back from her, finally getting a hold of myself, and look down into her face.“Let’s go inside to talk.”If this had gone any farther, I would’ve only been making another mistake.I know I’m craving stability and a nurturing relationship, but I won’t find that with Cassie.As much as she claims to want me and be with me, I don’t have those same feelings.I almost ruined everything I have been fighting for because I let myself sink into this town’s discrimination.
She nods as she walks by me back into the house while I look out to the fading footprints in the sand.If she’s my daughter, I will face the things we’ve done and remove myself from her life because there’s nothing I could offer to fix that, but if she’s not my daughter, I’ll need to face the music and follow my heart for the second time in my life, hoping it doesn’t lead me to complete destruction once and for all.
