Page 91 of Fighting the Tide
Like mother, like daughteralmost falls from my mouth, but I hold it back because that would harm me more than her.So instead, I remain silent and lean against the wall, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Well, you two will have to learn to put up with each other for a few more days,” Monica says as she turns around.“I would be forever grateful if you showcased self-restraint at mine and Avery’s engagement party tomorrow night.”
“Of course,” Colette murmurs, looking a little chastised.I’m feeling reprimanded as well.I’m acting as though I’m also nineteen and fighting with the girl I’ve been sneaking around with.
“Sorry,” I mutter as Monica gives me a pointed look.
“Open,” she instructs Colette, and I watch as she scrapes the swab along the inside of her cheek, carefully extracting the information that will change my entire life, regardless of what the answer is.She drops the swab into one tube of saline and then motions for Colette to go.“You’re done.”
“Thank you.”Another warm smile for my friend and total disregard for me as she brushes by me and out the door.
“Did something happen last night?”Monica hums as she changes her gloves and prepares the next swab.“I thought you two were getting closer?”
“We weren’t doing anything in the bedroom,” I rush out as Monica looks at me over her shoulder, her brow raised.“Nothing happened anyway,” I admit as my head falls back against the wall.“I don’t know what’s happening, Mon, and it scares me.She could be my fucking daughter, and I’m lusting after her like a lovestruck teenager.”
“Lovestruck?”She turns around with the swab in her hand and a shocked expression on her face.
“I don’t even know what I’m feeling because I am too afraid to explore it.I feel sick ninety percent of the time, and the other ten, I’m asleep.She may be Brooke’s daughter, but she’s nothing like her.She has a deep well of pain inside of her and it shows in her eyes.I know exactly what it looks like carrying such a burden, because I do it every day.She’s thoughtful and funny, and so fucking mature at her age.She’s Brooke’s greatest achievement, and I’m here to ruin it.”It’s the first time I’ve been able to truly articulate how I’m feeling and it lifts a weight off my chest.Feeling disgusted with myself for caring about the woman who could be my daughter aside, I feel guilty about it.It’s unwarranted because I tried to give Brooke my everything and was shot down many times, but the guilt remains.
“Whenthis test comes back negative,”—she motions for me to open my mouth—“I want you to take the time to come to terms with why you’re feeling this way.Don’t fall into bed with her.Don’t covet her because you couldn’t have her mother, but most of all, don’t hand your heart to another Eastham until you’re sure.”She scrapes the swab along my cheek, the cotton dragging roughly over the skin.“You’re feeling unworthy of love, and I can’t figure out why.Brooke destroyed what was between you two, not you.”
She pulls the swab out of my mouth and turns back to the table.“Brooke had her reasons for not wanting to be with me.She just failed to tell me what they were.I came on too strong and I forced her to want the things I did.I feel guilty because the love I kept professing to her is nothing close to how I’m starting to feel about Colette.”Monica turns from the table with another shocked look on her face.“I know how young she is.It’s another reason I feel disgusted with myself, but I can’t help it.Each time we find ourselves alone, we get closer to crossing that line of no return and I’m so fucking afraid of what happens after that.”
“I don’t give a shit about the age,” Monica admits as a smile curves along her lips.“I care that my best friend is finally opening up again.You were lost for so long and I was so damn worried you would spend the rest of your life alone, pining for the dead girl who chose someone else.”It’s harsh and painful, but it’s the truth.It’s nothing I haven’t told myself a hundred times before.
“This town would run rampant with rumors about us, father and daughter, in some depraved relationship.Then there’s our ages, and the fact that I was with her mother so long ago.We wouldn’t stand a chance here.”It sounds as though I’ve already been given the negative results and I’m trying to convince myself to leave Chatham once again, but my reasons are falling short.
“Sounds similar to what me and Avery endured,” she reminds me, and another shot of guilt strikes.“Look where we are today.Chatham is not the people inside its borders, and even so, it’s not as bad as it once was.The older generation is slowly diminishing and the people living here have learned to be a bit more accepting.Is it perfect?Fuck no, but where is perfection in this world?”She bags up the swabs and comes to kiss my cheek.“Go home and get some rest.You look like you need it.”
A banging on the front door has me nearly falling off the couch as I startle from my sleep.I look around the cottage and get my bearings as a familiar nightmare slowly recedes.Always the lighthouse and the crashing waves below.Another banging and I shoot to my feet.“I hear you!”I call out and head for the door, wiping the sleep from my eyes.I took Monica’s advice and came back to the cottage to sleep, hoping I wouldn’t feel like death for their engagement party tomorrow.
I open the door and find Cassie on the porch, her hair down and curling around her face in tight, blonde coils.“Hey.”She brushes by me into the cottage, and I look outside to find my driveway empty save for the Range Rover.
“How did you get here?”I ask as I shut the door and turn to find her standing in the center of the cottage and looking around.
“I’ve never been inside before,” she says.
“Not many have.How did you get here?”I ask again as she pulls off her jacket.
“Uber.”She heads to the small bar in the corner of the room and begins to sift through the bottles, then finds a bottle of brandy and pours herself a glass.
“Help yourself,” I murmur and watch as she strolls around the place, taking in the details.
“I’m leaving him,” she announces, and I tip my head to the side.“Kasen.I’m leaving him this time for good.”
“Why?”I question as I head to the bar and pour myself a whiskey.Sounds like I’m going to need it.
“He’s controlling and overbearing.He watches everything I do and questions every minute of my day.It’s only gotten worse since you’ve shown up.”She takes a long drink from the glass and heads to the back of the cottage, opening the curtain to peer out at the ocean.“You have an amazing view, even if the place is tiny.I don’t know how I thought we would be struggling though.”She turns to look at me with a small, nostalgic smile.“When your father died and you came to fix this place up, I thought, ‘This is it.We’ll be a family now,’ and the only thing I was worried about was living in a shack.”
Her words sting, but not enough for me to care or retaliate.I think she suffered the consequences when I left her here to be with Kasen, so I just shrug my shoulders and say, “That was never in my plans.”
“Oh, I know that now.”She chuckles as she turns back to the window and takes another drink.“Brooke would have never lived here, you know that, right?”
“I don’t see how that’s worth mentioning,” I snap, her words finally hitting a mark.When she turns her eyes back on me, I continue, “Brooke was never given that option.”
“I always wonder,” she murmurs, as if not hearing me.“Whenever you were between my legs, did you imagine I was her?”
“Are you fucking crazy?”I exclaim as I stare into her cold eyes.She looks like she’s been through hell these past few years and it’s hardened the Cassie I once knew.
