Page 6 of Fighting the Tide
I push off the sand and clap my hands together, freeing my palms of the dusty grit, only to have anxiety and apprehension slam into me again, twisting the beating organ inside of my chest.The lighthouse is about twenty feet ahead, its light like a mocking beacon as it turns, the beam spanning out over the ocean.This time my steps are measured, careful but sure, as I head toward the lighthouse, the structure growing larger as I approach.
The gate to the fence is open, the thin wood swaying in the breeze, and when I step onto the cobblestone path toward the lighthouse, I notice the door open and the metal stairs on the inside visible.My feet drag along the path, the sound loud in my ears even over the crashing waves against the rocks.When I turn to look back toward the bonfire, it’s nothing more than an orange blip on the beach below.
I rush inside the lighthouse, Brooke’s name on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t seem to work my voice as my mouth dries out with fear.I grip the rickety handle of the stairs, the steps so narrow they're barely bigger than the width of my body.
I’ve never had a fear of heights, not until this very moment.My legs feel like they’re paralyzed and my chest is weighed down with boulders as sweat skates from my temple down to my jaw.My hands curl around the thin bar of the railing, my palms slick as they slip along the rusted metal.I tighten my hold and force myself to ascend the corroded stairs, one after the other, as they twist along the edge of the lighthouse toward the platform over my head.The more I focus, the less immobilized I feel, and soon enough, I’m taking the steps two at a time to get to the top.
“Brooke!”I call out, the fear in my voice clear, but I don’t care.I’m scared about what I’ll find when I get up there.“Brooke, answer me!”The closer I get, the farther away the crashing waves sound and something else filters in.Sobbing.The soul-wrenching sounds of despair rip into me with the force of a tsunami, and I feel my own eyes welling up as if the agony is my own.“Brooke, where are you?”I get to the landing and find the small door out to the balcony open, the sounds of her anguish pouring in.
I step out onto the wooden balcony, and I swear, the whole tower sways with the strength of the wind, forcing me to swallow down the scream that’s threatening to spill from my mouth.When I said I was afraid of heights, I had no idea.Now that I’m standing up here and outside of the structure for the first time in my entire life, it’s not just fear, it's absolute terror.I flatten myself against the wall, my palms digging into the rough wood as I slowly scuffle along the circular landing, moving toward the sound of Brooke’s cries.Out here, the sound of the wind is ferocious, almost like it’s alive, and every time it batters against me, I fear this whole lighthouse is going to tip and we’ll both fall into the ocean and sink to the bottom.
I bite the inside of my cheeks, and when I finally get close enough to see Brooke, I nearly fall to my knees with the sight in front of me.She’s standing on the other side of the metal railing, her arms taut as she leans forward.Her hair is now a tangled mess around her head, the wind having ripped it from the bun, and her face is red and splotchy as her tears drip continuously from her chin.Her eyes are closed and her face is tipped up toward the sky, as if in a silent plea to take her, and it’s in that instant my heart cracks in half for the girl I’ve known most of my life but never really knew at all.
“Brooke.”Her name comes out in a hoarse whisper because I’m so afraid of startling her, and if she lets go of that railing, she’ll tumble down to the waves along the rocky shore.
Her eyes open as another gut-wrenching sob tears from her mouth.“Go away, Sears.”There’s no heat, no anger, just complete desolation.
“I can’t do that, Brooke.Can I tell you something?”I keep my back pressed against the wall, waiting for her to show me a sign that she’s listening, and when her head dips, her chin nearly hitting her chest, I take that as a nod to continue.“I invited you tonight because I felt bad for you and I saw how much you were hurting, but what I didn’t realize is that I’m hurting too.Maybe, subconsciously, something inside of me thought we could heal each other.”She turns her head slightly to look at me over her shoulder, and I can see her arms trembling with the effort to hold on, to keep her body suspended out over the edge.“So when you ran away from the bonfire, that piece of me that found its reflection inside of you today.It forced me to follow you here.”I place my hand over my chest, over the part of me that’s aching, the small piece that dragged me through the sand and up here to the tower.It’s as if the exertion was almost too much and I can feel it bleeding throughout my whole body.“It led me to you, Brooke.Please come back over the railing.”
She turns her head back to look over the ocean again as more tears stream down her cheeks.“You don’t get it, Nolan.”Her voice trembles as the wind whips her hair across her face.“I never get what I want.No matter what I do.”
“That can’t be true, Brooke.You’ve just been wanting the wrong things.”My heart begins to pound faster as she hiccups into the night air and I watch her white knuckles, praying her grip stays.“Are you really up here hanging over the edge of a lighthouse because of David MacNeill?”
Her chest expands with a large breath and finally, a loud sarcastic scoff flies from her mouth.“Go away, Nolan.Go away and pretend you were never here.”Then I watch as her whitened knuckles slowly lighten, and I fly forward, leaving the comfort of the lighthouse exterior to wrap a hand around one of hers.
“I can’t leave, Brooke,” I confess as my hand grips hers.“And if you go over this edge, I’m going to have to follow you, and when we see each other again in the afterlife, I will remind you every second of how you killed me.”
She shakes her head, not believing a word that comes from my mouth, and I don’t blame her, not after David has stolen her trust.I’ve spoken my words true because if she does fly over that edge tonight, there’s no way I could descend the tower and walk out of here and pretend like nothing happened.So now I have to save Brooke Eastham’s life in order to peacefully live my own.
I release her hand to grip that metal bar in my hand and swing my leg over just as a gust of wind blows by us and the tower creaks with the force.I freeze on the spot as I straddle the bar and take a deep breath.I blame my irrational behavior on the amount of vodka I consumed, the weed I smoked, and the beer I had beforehand, all of it mixing into a cocktail of destruction.When I swing my other leg over that bar and stand next to Brooke, my mother’s face flashes in my mind, the lines of her forehead prominent with the disappointment that shines through her eyes.
“Go away, Nolan!”She grits her teeth as her eyes look over me with wide terror.“Go home!”
“I can’t do that!”I shake my head and then stop abruptly when the world around me spins.“I’ll get off this ledge when you get off the ledge, but not a moment before.”My teeth begin to chatter as the chilling air batters against my face, driving my hair across my forehead, the strands sticking to the sweat dotted along my skin.
“You think I won’t do it because you are here?”she sneers at me.“Do you think you’re that important, Nolan?”
“I don’t have anything to lose,” I admit to her.“Just like you said, I come from the poorest family.I live in a shit cottage on the beach.My mom cleans toilets for a living while my dad drinks himself to death every night.I sleep on a couch because there’s no room for a bed, and most days, I’m so fucking hungry that my stomach hurts.So what do I have to lose, Brooke?”I don’t know what made me say all that, but the flash of pity I get from her eyes makes me want to let go of the railing and soar into the sky.I don’t want pity.I don’t need pity, but for some reason, the fact that it’s coming from Brooke has me loosening my hold just a fraction.
The next gust of wind pushes my hair into my eyes, and for a split second, I forget where I am and what I’m doing as I reach up to brush it away.The sky opens up in front of me and the sounds of the ocean come rushing in as I scramble to grab onto the metal bar again, a scream wrenching from my throat.The sound startles Brooke as she presses herself to the bar, her scream mingling with my own.
“Are you insane, Nolan?”The high pitch of her voice does nothing to calm my beating heart, and I begin to tremble all over as I suck in a deep breath.“Fine!”she bellows.“I’ll get off the ledge.”
“Do it now,” I tell her as my voice wavers with fear.“I’m not moving until you do.”
“Jesus,” she curses as she slowly turns and swings her leg over the metal railing.I watch her slip over and stand on the wooden planks, her hands on her hips as she watches me.“Now, Nolan!”she demands.
“You gotta give me a minute,” I confess as the pounding of my heart reverberates around in my ears.“I can’t move right now.”
“Oh my God!”Her hand grabs onto my forearm as she gives it a squeeze.“Get the fuck over here!”
“How?”I squeak out.“If I move, I’m going to slip right off.”
“Turn around and face me,” she instructs.“And don’t worry, I’ve got you.”She squeezes me again to emphasize that she does indeed have me, but I know if I slip and fall, there’s no way Brooke Eastham can hold me up.She doesn’t actually have me.For the second time tonight, I curse the fact that I decided to drink and not just leisurely have a few beers on the beach.Instead, I let myself guzzle back nearly a quarter of a bottle of vodka.It’s beyond stupidity.
I slowly turn, releasing one hand and then quickly spinning to face the bar as my body sways over the edge.Brooke’s other hand comes up to cover her mouth as her eyes widen on mine, and I know that was a close call.I’m nearly twice her size and inebriated, and where she had no problem getting back over, I feel like a lumbering idiot.“There’s no way my leg’s getting over this thing,” I tell her as the rusted metal begins to cut into my palms.
“Nolan, just swing your leg over.”And if all of this wasn’t enough, it begins to drizzle.Everybody on the Cape knows it only takes seconds for a full downpour to move in.I have to move now before the wood beneath my feet gets too slick.The same moment I think it, that drizzle turns into a sheet of water.
