Page 51 of Fighting the Tide
I crumple the paper in my hand, knowing this is truly the end for us, and I try my damnedest to stand and walk out of this place with my head held high, but my intention shatters and I sink to my knees as a sob erupts from my chest.My hands land on the concrete floor, the same floor I lost my virginity on, the same floor I realized I fell in love on, and now it’ll become the floor that witnesses my heart being ripped from my chest.My tears drip off my cheeks and splash onto the concrete, the gray darkening under the salty liquid.I give myself this moment to completely lose it, to sink into despair and let grief coat my heart because that’s what it feels like.When I finally pull myself together, I stagger to my feet and rush forward, throwing the crumpled note back into the hole and sealing it shut with the brick, making sure theB & Nfaces the inside.I never want to see it again.
I don’t remember getting home and I don’t remember falling into my bed because everything has become numb.I fill up every crack Brooke has caused in my heart and pack it in tight with an unbreakable promise.I will never again lose myself to another person.I will never again hand over my heart for someone else to keep safe.I won’t be fooled into believing that everyone has their one person in this world.Then I shut my eyes with this last final thought: I’d rather spend the rest of my life alone than to ever feel this pain again.
I guess by now I’ve gotten used to the heartbreak that Brooke gives me, and even though I want to curl into a ball and sleep the rest of the summer away, I get up and make an effort for my mom and for Avery.Both can tell something is wrong, but wisely keep their questions to themselves for fear of tipping me over the edge.The fear is justified because I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread, and the second that snaps, there’s no telling what extremes I will go to protect my already cold and hardened heart.
Lunch with Mom pretty much stays the same, and when the Fourth of July comes around, Dad says he has a romantic dinner planned for her in town and that they’re going to spend the night at the local bed-and-breakfast.Just by the sheer excitement in my mother’s eyes and the new pink flush that has been coating her cheeks, I can tell this is a first for her, and I want to be happy for them, I truly do, but all I can see are the downsides of being in love.
Instead of saying anything though, I kiss my mother on the cheek and wish them both a great night, then watch them walk out of the house and into the truck.I lift my hand in a farewell, keeping the smile plastered on my face even as my cheeks burn with the effort, and as soon as that truck and its rusty exterior are out of sight, my hand drops and so does the smile.
I have to meet Avery at the beach because they’re setting up the kegs and the fireworks when all I really want to do is hide under my covers until August, but once again, I’m shoving aside my feelings for fear that I may hurt someone else’s.I open the back door to the cottage and step outside, just like I do every other day, and place my hand over my chest, wondering if I’ll ever feel that throb again because ever since I read Brooke’s letter, it’s all but disappeared.
When my chest stays quiet, just a simple thumping of my heart, I step down into the sand and slowly make my way over to the fire pit.It’s not until I hear my name that I look up and find Darren sitting there with Avery, Kasen, and Monica.A few other people we went to high school with are scattered around, but what I do notice is Darren and Kasen talking while Monica and Avery are sitting close together, their heads nearly touching as they sort out the fireworks in front of them.I’m hit with a shot of jealousy at seeing them, even though I know what they’ve each gone through in their relationship.Most of it is comparable to the shit Brooke and I have been through.Even so, seeing them there together, talking and smiling, I can’t help but be envious.
“Come on, Nolan!I need your help with these fireworks!”Avery calls me again.I plaster that smile back on my face and head over, promising myself that I won’t waste one of the few nights I have left with few responsibilities and I’ll spend it with my best friend.The days are counting down before I leave, and so are the days of our carefree years.
It’s a few beers later and after all the fireworks have been set off, a group of us are sitting around the fire, talking about high school and the people in it, when I hear a familiar, raspy laugh.The beach is filled with people, some from our high school and some tourists, and when I turn and look over my shoulder, I find Brooke sitting in the sand beside Sean Clark.
I see them talking, and even though I heard her laugh, right now they’re looking serious as he leans in close to her face, making her shake her head.I may not hear what they’re talking about, but the intimacy of their positions is not lost on me.He brushes her hair back off her shoulder, and I wait, hoping that she’ll draw away from his touch, but that doesn’t happen.What I’m seeing with my own two eyes is the truth, and that’s a hard pill to swallow.
Brooke is in love with Sean and she probably always has been.
I lean in and tap Avery on the knee, pulling her out of whatever intense conversation she’s having with Monica to let her know that I’m tired and I’m going to head home.She nods and gives me a pat, telling me she’ll see me tomorrow.I don’t dare tell her the truth as I stand from my log and stroll away, leaving behind Chatham and the people in it.When I told Avery that I was going home, I didn’t mean just back to the cottage; I meant back to New York.
I pack up all my stuff, including the boxes I sent here.I’ll let my mother know where to ship them out in the coming weeks, but there’s no way I want to spend another day here, not when Sean is back and knowing that’s who Brooke is spending her time with.
So I set my suitcase at the end of the bed and I slip between the sheets, letting my eyes fall closed and knowing this will be the last night I spend in Chatham for a very long time.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Thelastfewmonthsfeel like they’ve flown by so fast, and it’s because I’ve fully immersed myself in school and work.I haven’t partied and I haven’t been back home, despite the phone calls from my mother, begging me to spend a weekend in Chatham.Now, with the holidays coming up, I won’t be going home, but that doesn’t mean I’m any more prepared to break my mother’s heart over it.She’ll understand.I’m sure she has a pretty good idea of why I’m staying away, but it’s still not fair to her.I’m just not ready to go back though.
That’s why when my phone rings two days before Christmas, I know exactly who it is.
“Hello?”I say as I pick up the receiver.
“Hi, son.”Mom’s soothing voice comes through the speaker, instantly taking away the stress of my upcoming exams.She sounds tired, more so than usual, and when I question her about it, she just laughs and asks if I’m coming home for Christmas.
“I can’t this year, Mom.I told the station I would work during the holidays and I need to study.”My excuses are weak, and when she exhales heavily into the phone, I can hear the tremble just beneath it.
“I need to see you, Nolan.”Her voice shakes as she takes a deep breath.“I want you to come home.”
“I’m doing what you told me to do, Mom.”I pull out the words I know will make her stop begging, and it’s selfish because I’m a coward and I can’t tell her the real reason why I don’t want to go home.I don’t fear that she’ll say I told you so.I don’t care that she’ll know Brooke Eastham broke her son’s heart one last time.I just can’t let her know that Chatham is no longer my home.“I’m keeping my eyes open and I’m looking for every opportunity.I can’t do that if I’m there in Chatham.I’m working hard so I can build a career and I’m trying to find a place I can call home.”
She’s quiet for a few seconds, but I know she hasn’t hung up because I can hear her breathing into the phone.Still, I wait and give her the space she needs to collect her thoughts.This will be the second year I don’t go home for the holidays, and even though that makes me feel like shit, I just can’t bring myself to do it.
“Okay,” she whispers.“I just love you so much.Don’t forget to call me on Christmas Day.I’ve sent something in the mail for you because I knew you would tell me you weren’t coming home.”I can’t hold back the tears that slip from my eyes at the sound of my mother’s disappointed words.“Don’t worry, Nolan,” she says as she hears me trying to breathe through my tears.“I love you and I’m so happy you’re finding your way.That’s all I’ve ever wanted.I’m so proud of you and I want you to know that you are my greatest achievement.I thank God every day for giving me the greatest gift, because you’re someone special, and I’ve been blessed to just share some of this life with you.”
“I love you so much, Mom,” I tell her as I wipe the tears off my cheeks.“As soon as I can get time off, I’ll come see you, okay?”I hate deceiving her, but it’s better this way.
“Okay,” she agrees.“Good night.”
“Good night, Mom.”
Christmas Day ends up being busy at the station, as I’m one of the few skeleton crew during the holidays.I’m thankful because it’s kept me busy.When I finally got home that night at nearly midnight and tried to call my mother, the call went unanswered.The entire week ends up being much of the same, and I wonder if we’re playing phone tag back and forth because neither of us owns an answering machine to leave a message.My only consolation is coming home on New Year's Eve to a package by the door.Inside I find socks and underwear, my favorite box of cookies, and a pack of handmade soap from a local store in Chatham.I won’t deny how much it makes me want to go home.
My first day off ends up being New Year’s Day and I sleep in pretty late, but by noon I’m woken up by the shrill ring of my phone.
I roll over with a groan and pick up the receiver and say, “Hello?”expecting to hear my mother’s voice on the other line, but instead, it’s my dad.
