Page 49 of Fighting the Tide
I’ve been hanging out a lot with Avery and she’s been coming by my house every day around noon when she finally pulls herself out of bed.We walk the beach or lay there and sunbathe, and I know it’s her way of avoiding Monica.I feel like we’re all standing in the eye of the storm, and soon we’re going to have to face the threatening winds that everyone’s been throwing at us or get swept up in the tsunami of our lost love.
Avery has been planning a huge beach party for my birthday coming up, which happens to fall a few days after the Fourth of July.That week is going to be filled with parties and celebrations, fireworks, alcohol, bonfires, and I’m hoping that Brooke will be there with me.We have the next few weeks to maybe take that next step and I hope we do because the summer is quickly passing us by and I don’t want to waste another day.
It’s another morning where I’m waiting for her to come to the theater, but she doesn’t show, and after a while, someone else comes by and opens the doors.I even give it an extra half an hour, hoping that she may have just slept in, but then I realize she’s not coming at all.I fight the urge to drive to her house because I fear if I do, it’ll only push her away more.Instead, I take Mom out like I usually do each day for lunch, and we sit at the one deli she enjoys in town, eating the same sandwiches.
“I hope to one day see you get married, Nolan.To live happily and be content,” she says randomly while we’re halfway through our meal.
“Why do you say that, Mom?Of course, I’ll get married one day and have a family.What are you so worried about?”I pick up my napkin to wipe my mouth, watching as she takes a long drink of her iced tea, her eyes roving over the street behind us.
“I’m afraid that the example I set for you when you were a boy has given you a standard that you think is normal.”She holds up her hand to cut me off when I try to reply.“Wait.Let me finish.The relationship I had with your father when you were a child was toxic, and I wish you had better examples of when two people truly love each other.I fear now that you’re subconsciously searching for the same thing because that’s all you know.That’s my fault.”Her chin trembles with the effort of holding in her emotions as she lifts the napkin up to her eyes, wiping away the tears before they can fall to her cheeks.
“That’s not true, Mom.”I reach across the table and grab her hand.“Yes, you and Dad weren’t the best example of a loving relationship and a comforting home, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t feel loved or that I don’t know what love is.You were an amazing mom, you still are.I know the things you’ve sacrificed for me, and I’m going to make sure I’ll one day pay it all back.When it comes to love and relationships, I’ll admit I don’t have much experience.I’ve avoided getting serious with girls in New York because I gave my heart away here in Chatham.Mom, I can’t deny that, and yes, Brooke and I have our own toxicity, but we’ve been working through it.I’m hoping one day soon we can be each other’s great loves of our lives.”
“What if she hurts you again?”Mom asks as she squeezes my fingers.“What if she drives you away from home and you never want to come back?I’m so scared of losing you, Nolan, but I’m also willing to let you go if it means you find contentment somewhere else.”Her words hit me hard in the chest, knocking the air from my lungs as I stare at the woman who’s given up everything for me.Even now, she’s willing to sacrifice her only son if it means I find happiness outside of Chatham.
“I would never leave you, Mom,” I assure her.“No matter where I end up in this world, I’m always going to come back home.You’re here in Chatham, and that means Chatham is my home.There’s nothing that will ever change that.”
“One day, a woman will come along who will change your mind.She’ll show you that wherever she is will be your home.I can’t be your home forever, Nolan.That’s not how it works.I will love you forever, I will be your mother forever, that doesn’t mean Chatham will forever be your home.”I fall back in my chair, releasing her hand as my eyes burn, and can feel a thick coating of sadness filling my chest.It almost feels like this is a goodbye, like she’s shoving me from the nest, hoping my wings will open and I’ll soar, but I’m not ready yet.
“And what if I find that woman here in Chatham?”I ask, my voice breaking as her face falls, her eyes staring down at the plate in front of her.
“I can only say I hope not,” she admits, her confession stabbing me through the heart.I want so desperately for her to accept Brooke and it’s just now becoming obvious that will never happen.“I hope you’ll go back to school in August and your heart will be free of any restraints here in Chatham, and you’ll be able to keep an open eye for other opportunities.”
She gives me a sad look, and no matter how devastating her words are, I don’t hold it against her.She’s always had my best interest at heart and I know that hasn’t changed today.So once again, I lean forward and take her hand, linking our fingers together before dragging it up to my mouth to place a kiss against her cold skin.“Okay, Mom.”I smile at her and give her hand a squeeze.“I promise to live with an open heart and an open mind.”It’s the best I can give her right now and she knows it when she nods, bringing the napkin back up to her eye.
“Thank you,” she murmurs and releases my hand to reach into her purse for money.She does this every day, but I never let her bring out her wallet before my credit card is on the table.
She gives me a look when the server comes over to take my card away, and I lean my elbows on the table and give her a small smile.“I think the cottage needs some new curtains.”I run my fingers along my chin as her eyes widen and she begins to shake her head.“I saw a new pattern over at the fabric shop.It’s those flowers you like.What are they called again?”
“Wisteria,” she whispers as she looks at me with teary eyes, clasping her hands in her lap.“Pink wisteria.”
“Yeah, that one, and it has some pretty green leaves with it.I think it would look great in the cottage.How about we go buy a bolt of that today?”Now that I have the means to spoil my mother, I try to do it as often as possible.Like taking her out for her favorite lunches and taking her to the fabric store so she can sew curtains and blankets for the cottage.Even if it means I drain my savings account, I know I could fill it back up because that’s what she deserves.The server comes back with my receipt and we thank her as we vacate the table, and as always, my eye travels across the street to the theater, hoping to catch a glimpse of the girl who has my heart held hostage.I have another urge to drop my mother home after the fabric store and head to Brooke’s just to see if she’s okay.It’s not like her to miss a day of work, and even though it shocks me still, she works seven days a week.The entire time I’ve been home, she hasn’t missed a day… except for today.
After getting my mother’s fabric and bringing her home, my dad gets in the truck to go to work, and I find myself back on the beach, the one place that’s always been the spot of serenity for me.It’s so hard trying to figure out what I want for my future because all of it somehow snakes back to Brooke and Chatham.I want to keep my promise to my mother and not be closed off to any opportunities that may find me, whether that’s here in Chatham or in New York, but I can’t help it if, when I envision a woman in a long white dress and veil, it’s Brooke’s blonde beachy waves I see.Or when I envision having children running along the beach, it’s hard not to see my hand intertwined with Brooke’s as we follow behind them.
I sink to the sand and watch as the waves roll in and the sun moves across the sky.I’ll wait here a while and then I’ll make my way over to the lighthouse, hoping there will be a letter for me.
There was no letter from Brooke, but yet, here I am once again in the parking lot at seven in the morning on the dot, waiting for her to show up.Her coffee sits next to mine in the cup holder, the steam rising from the top, and I wonder if this one will also go to waste as well.That’s when her car turns into the parking lot.The top is up and she parks a few spaces down from me.I know she sees me here and it just cements what I was fearing the most.She’s trying to put distance between us and I refuse to let her do that without hearing the reason why.
So before she can get out of her car and make a run for the theater, I step out of the truck and stand between our vehicles, waiting for her to come out and face me.Her door slowly opens and her leg appears as she presses her foot to the pavement and pushes herself out of the car.She looks the same as always.Her hair is coiled back from her face, with very minimal makeup, and those bags look fresh under her eyes, but I’ll give her this much.She doesn’t avoid my stare.She doesn’t try to ignore me.Instead, she walks right up to me and looks up to stare me in the eyes.
“I wasn’t feeling well yesterday,” she tells me, her voice too low, too robotic.I flip through my memory, trying to remember exactly what I wrote in that letter the night before she missed work.
“Are you running from me, Brooke?”I ask her as I take a step closer to her body, pride shooting through me when she doesn’t back away.“Tell me what it was that made you so damn skittish yesterday.”
“It was nothing.”She shakes her head and reaches into her purse to pull the theater keys from its depths.“It’s exactly how I said.I wasn’t feeling well.”
“All right then.”It’s me who takes a step back from her and her head shoots up, giving me a confused look.I’m always the one chasing her, constantly trying to make her believe in us, but I keep hearing my mother’s words echo in my mind and I believe her when she says I deserve better.“I’m writing you a letter.I’ll leave it in the lighthouse, and then the ball’s in your court, Brooke.We’re not in high school anymore, and if we’re going to do this, we’re going to do it the right way.No more sneaking around, no more letters hidden behind a brick.This time, if you decide to give us a shot, it’s going to be real and everyone will know.”
Pure and potent fear surrounds the hazel of her irises as I continue to step away, and when I turn to open the passenger side of the truck, reaching in to grab her coffee, I hear her shaky exhale behind me.I face her once more and hand her the cup; her trembling hand wrapping around it and our fingers brushing with the contact.“Nolan, I don’t—”
“We’re going to drop everything, Brooke.Every pretense, every reason why we shouldn’t be together, and we’re just going to be together.Or… we shut the door on us forever and lock it tight.I don’t deserve to be dragged along, and no matter how much I love you, I won’t let myself be treated like this.I won’t relive my parents’ relationship.I’ve told you enough about it in those letters, so you know exactly what I mean.”I slip my hand along her cheek, letting my fingers sink into her soft tresses, and then I lean in and kiss her cheek before backing away and turning toward the truck.
I can’t spare her another look because I know my resolve will crumble if I do, and I’ll once again crawl along the ground and beg for her love at her feet.So I get into the truck and start the engine, and then I pull out of there as my heart squeezes somewhere up between my chest and my mouth, the pounding echoing deep in my ears.
After parking the truck beside the guardrail of the beach, I pull the pad of paper and pen out of the glove box and write what I hope will be my last letter to Brooke.My final plea for her to see what I do when I think about us.So that’s what I write.
Brooke,
