Page 47 of Fighting the Tide
You were the first person to see past my carefully constructed exterior.It’s like you drilled your way through all of my painful experiences that I had hardened into steel armor and wormed your way into my heart.I brought these two candles because that was the day that it happened, the day you broke through my defenses and showed me I was worth loving.But I want to tell you I really wasn’t worth it, and you know that.Don’t forget last summer and what you walked in on.That’s me, that’s Brooke Eastham.
I’m defective, Nolan.I could blame my parents, I could blame my so-called friends, but the truth of the matter is, I think I was broken the day I was born.Nice things fade and sparkling exteriors tarnish.I’ve never felt a love like yours, and the flames burn too hot, but sometimes I feel as though snuffing them out is the only way to survive.I won’t make any promises because I’m fantastic at breaking them, so instead, I’ll hand you these two candles that I’ve kept all these years and maybe one day, we’ll relight them again together.
Always,
Brooke
The letter is filled with self-deprecation, and I can feel her self-loathing pouring out with each word.Brooke has never seen her worth.She has always believed what everyone else has said about her, even when I tried to break that all down.It’s easier for her to believe the bad things because then she has nothing to prove, but I know how good she is, and if she’s giving me this small chance, I’m going to do everything in my power to show her just how good she is.I fold up the piece of paper and slip it into my pocket, then get up to replace the brick while my fingers drag along theB & N.I could drive back to the theater and tell her I’ve read the note, that I’m willing to do just about anything to convince her she and I could be great, but instead, I decide to leave her a note of my own.
I head back to the truck, finding Mom’s grocery list pad in the glove compartment and her pen.Then I write Brooke a letter back.I tell her about the moment I found her in the shower stall; I tell her about the feeling in my chest that always drags me to her whenever her soul cries out for mine, and then I tell her I’ve forgiven her for how often she’s broken my heart.I explain that the beating organ in my chest belongs to her, and I beg her to take care of it because I fear it won’t withstand another break.Once I’m finished, I sign my name with a love always at the bottom and fold it up.
When I’m back in the lighthouse, I pull the brick out and slip my note inside, and then I pull out one candle from my pocket and place it back in there before putting the brick back in the slot.I head back outside as the sun becomes more intense in the center of the sky, telling me it’s about noon, and I look down the beach toward my cottage, wondering how I’m going to get over what I saw the day before.Can I go back there and live with the man I know is speaking to his drug dealer?At the very least, the so-called former addict was shaking hands with a well-known drug pusher in Chatham.
Thankfully, Avery arrives today, and I won’t be in my parents’ way for most of the summer.They can live the love story I apparently cut short with my conception.I get into the truck and drive back to the cottage, parking it just as my dad is coming out with a lunch bag on his shoulder.
“Gotta work today,” he mutters as he passes me on his way to the truck, taking the keys from my outstretched hand.“I’ll see you guys for dinner.”I give him a nod before he gets in and starts the engine, then watch as he quickly backs out of the driveway as Mom comes to the front door.
“You were up early this morning,” she says as she wipes her hands with a dish towel.“Couldn’t sleep?”
I walk right up to her and pull her into my arms, hugging her close to my chest.“I’ve been spoiled there in New York.The sounds of the waves don’t wake me up before dawn.”I kiss the top of her head as she steps back with a laugh.
“No, there’s just the traffic in New York.I don’t know how the hell you sleep through that.”She hits me with the towel.
“I’m sorry about yesterday, Mom,” I tell her as we walk inside and she stands at the sink, her hands gripping the counter’s edge.“I was certain about what I saw, but sometimes we misread situations and make our own judgments.”
“You’re speaking of you and Brooke as well,” she says as her head shakes slowly, making me tense in preparation for the chastising I’m about to receive.“Fine, Nolan.I’ll stay out of the way and let you two figure it out, the same way you’re doing for me and your father, but let this be the last time.Please, for the love of god, let this be the last time you give this a shot.”She turns to look at me, her eyes sparkling with tears, and I nod, willing to promise her just about anything if it means I can stop her from crying.
“I’m going to head over to Avery’s and see if she’s gotten in yet.”I thumb over my shoulder and give her a smile as she nods and picks up the dish towel to wipe down the counter.
“Be home for dinner.I want us to be a family, Nolan,” she says as I open the cottage door.
“Okay, Mom.”I step back out into the sun, shielding my eyes from its glare as I look toward the path that leads to Avery’s house.
It’s beginning to get overgrown with grass and weeds from the lack of use, and it suddenly makes me long for the childhood that’s long slipped out of my grasp.I take the path, sinking my shoes into the weeds and grass, pressing it back down into the ground.I vow to walk this path every day while I’m home because it’s a symbol of my and Avery’s youth.A declaration of our forever friendship.
I get to her house just as her mom’s car is pulling into the driveway and the passenger side door flies open as Avery bolts out toward me.“Nolan!”
I chuckle as she barrels into me, her arms wrapping around my waist as I look over her head toward Ms.Sanderson.“Hello, Ms.Sanderson!”I call out as I wave at her.
“It’s Carol, Nolan.”She shakes her head and smiles at us.“We always thought you two would end up together,” she says as Avery releases me with a groan.
“Mom, that’s sick.Nolan is like a brother.”She stomps back toward the car as her mother opens the trunk.“Not to mention, I’m also very gay.”
I can see the stiffening of her mother’s back as I reach between them to grab two suitcases from the trunk.“And you’re not one to ride around the pasture,” I remind her as she snorts.
“Not this mare.”She snickers as Carol smiles and rolls her eyes.
“I guess you kids will be running off somewhere now?”she muses as I follow her and Avery up to the house to drop off the suitcases.
“They have a new gelato flavor I think you’ll like.”I nudge Avery then place the suitcases down in the foyer.“Rainbow.”
“Oh!My lesbian heart is singing with joy!”she exclaims loudly, making her mother breathe heavily through her nose.“See ya, Mom!”
“Be back for dinner!”Carol calls out as we leave the house.
“Do you think she’ll ever get used to it?”Avery asks as we head out onto the main road, our shoes hitting the already sweltering asphalt.
“Your mom?”I inquire as she nods.“Of course she will.She’s come a long way already if we’re able to joke about it with her.”
