Page 46 of Fighting the Tide
“Mom!”I exclaim.“Listen to me!I saw him buying from his dealer!”
“You don’t know what you saw, Nolan,” she says while she pushes open the back door and looks out at our backyard to the ocean as the waves kiss the sand.“Just forget about it.”Then, to my complete shock, she steps outside and lets the door bang shut, the sound echoing around my head and reverberating next to my heart in my chest.
I stumble back toward the front door, pulling it open and rushing back out into the night as I drag the air into my lungs.I try to replay the scenario I saw, over and over again, and I can’t be sure I saw Darren hand anything to my father.I really can’t be sure what was exchanged between them, but honestly, what else could it be?Darren is a drug dealer, a well-known one here in Chatham, so I don’t see any other reason why they would be in the same place at the same time.I know that wasn’t just a regular handshake between them.
I head down the driveway and turn left down the road, bypassing the beach where I know my parents are together.My father is probably spinning a web of lies and my mother is eating it up as truth.I head toward the lighthouse, hoping that even though we fought earlier today, Brooke will be there waiting for me, her presence like a balm to soothe the heartache I’m enduring.My heart doesn’t break for me.You can’t lose what you’ve never had, and even though his name is on my birth certificate, he was never truly a father to me.My heart breaks for my mother because she wants so desperately for it to work out this time that she’s willing to accept his lies and ignore my truth.
I jump over the guardrail from the main road, my feet landing in the sand of the beach as I see the lighthouse in the distance.I pray that there’s something inside Brooke that pulses and throbs when I need her most.Just like what happens to me when I sense she needs me.I pray this is the night I’m proven that we’re meant to be, and I’ll find her there waiting for me with open arms, willing to chase away the demons that have been hunting me my entire life.
I pull open the gate, the hinges creaking as the sound gets drowned out by the tumultuous waves of the ocean.When I open the lighthouse door and stand inside, my heart cracks again because I know she’s not here.I don’t feel the pulse in my chest.I take the steps one at a time, with one final, desperate wish that she’s up on that landing, looking out at the ocean and waiting for me.I’ve almost convinced myself that I can smell her perfume, and when I push open that exterior door and take a deep breath, I swear the scent of cigarettes surrounds me.Tears distort my vision because all of it is a lie.Brooke isn’t here.She probably hasn’t been for a long time.
My back hits the wall as I slide down, my ass meeting the steel landing at the same time a sob rips from my throat.I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this soul-wrenching despair, but for one fleeting moment, I look out past the railing and get the urge to end it all.It’s not as if my death would alter anyone’s life.I don’t mean that much to too many people.I know my mother would be devastated, and Avery would hate me for my decision, but that’s about it.
My father would be free to sink back into his addiction, and without me around, it would be so much easier to manipulate my mother.Brooke would probably be relieved not having to deal with my pestering questions and clinging behavior, begging for any sign of her affection.
It’s unfortunate that I’m too much of a coward to crawl over that railing and throw myself over the edge because it would be so much easier than continuing to live this life.At least I’ll be able to say that being a coward saved my life, and when my future comes to fruition, I can one day stand out here and remember this night.Hopefully, I’ll be able to thank myself for not going through with it because everything will be worth it.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to look out at that ocean and say everything happens for a reason.
Chapter Twenty
I’mupbeforemymom and dad the next morning.The sun is barely rising over the horizon as I get in the truck and drive toward town.I wasn’t able to sleep as I laid in my bed, listening to the sporadic bouts of coughing coming from my mother and the sounds of the ocean from the back of the house.I don’t want to cause a rift between my parents, not when it looks like they’re finally working it out.Their last eighteen-year rift was because of me and I don’t want to cause a repeat.
I grab a coffee and pull into the theater parking lot, making sure to park in the back corner beneath the large oak tree.I can see why she parks here.The canopy of leaves blocks the sun and you’re left with a nice cool breeze.I’m about halfway through my coffee when her car comes into the parking lot, and I know she sees me because she stops and sits idle there at the entrance before she finds the courage to come park beside me.
She gets out of her car as the breeze blows by her face, disturbing the few blonde tendrils that have fallen out of the coil at the back of her head.Her hazel eyes are light today, looking more golden as they radiate from her tanned face.They’re filled with sadness as she opens the passenger door to the truck and hauls herself up into the seat, letting loose a tortured exhale as she settles beside me.
“What are you doing here, Nolan?”she asks as she looks straight ahead to the theater.“I really don’t like you showing up unannounced.It freaks me out.”
I laugh as I take a sip of my coffee, then place it in the cup holder before turning in my seat to look at her, resting my hands in my lap.“Brooke.I’m not stalking you.I won’t follow you around.I just wanted to talk to you.Isn’t this what we do best?We fight, we storm off, and then we find each other again.Then it’s rinse and fucking repeat.”
“Sounds toxic,” she mutters as her long red nails brush back the strands around her face.
“Because it is toxic.We’re not kids anymore, Brooke, and this is what I’ve been trying to tell you.I don’t want to sneak around.I don’t want to fuck in your family’s theater.I don’t want to fuck in the lighthouse.I want to take you on a proper date.I want to hold your hand as we walk down the street and buy gelato.Why are you preventing that?Why won’t you give me a chance?”I watch as a single tear falls from her eye and slips down over her cheek, the slow descent torturous until it hits her jaw, threatening to drip onto the baby blue blouse she’s wearing.So I reach out and swipe it away with my thumb, then force her chin up to look at me as I release an exasperated breath.I’m stunned to find her eyes filled with pain.“You told me you couldn’t be serious because I’d be in New York, but I won’t be in New York for a few months, and I’m asking you to give me a chance to prove to you what it would be like to be with me.Then make your decision based on that.”
“It’s just prolonging the pain,” she whispers as her tongue comes out and runs along her bottom lip.“What you’re asking me to do is fall in love just a little bit harder for the next two months, only to say goodbye at the end.”Another tear slips from her eye, and I lean forward, pressing my mouth to the salty drop before it can fall farther down her face.
“I’m asking you to fall more in love with me this summer, and when it’s time for me to leave, to let me prove to you it can still work while I’m in New York.I would come home and visit you as often as I could.We would talk every night, but I need you to give me that chance,” I whisper against her skin and then pull away, tipping her chin up farther to kiss her lips.I press the salty tear on my lips to her mouth as I say, “You didn’t come to the lighthouse last night.”
“I did, and you weren’t there, but I’ll admit that I didn’t wait for you to show up.”She pulls her chin from my grasp as she smooths down the front of her blouse with shaking hands.“But I left something there and I want you to go read it.”
“Left something where?”I ask as she opens the door and turns to look at me before jumping down to the pavement.
“There’s a loose brick inside the lighthouse when you first step inside.It’s on the wall to the left, it protrudes just a little more than the rest.I found it there the night you pressed me up to it.I left you something inside it.”She closes the door and backs away toward the theater, a sad look on her face before she turns and heads inside.
I finish my coffee and then drive out to the beach, parking along the road and looking at the lighthouse beyond the guardrail.I don’t know why I’m nervous and scared about what I’ll find, because this is Brooke, and I’ve come to learn to expect anything when it comes to the both of us.I get out of the truck and jump the guardrail, landing on the beach as the sand curves up around my running shoes.
This lighthouse holds some of my important firsts, and even though it’s meant to be a beacon to warn people of the harsh rock that lies near the shore, I feel like it failed at its job with me.I’ve been battered against those rocks for the last few years, regardless of how bright that light shines.
I walk inside and run my fingers along the wall, just where Brooke directed, and I do find the protruding brick, the surrounding mortar long cracked away.It makes me wonder how many other lovers have used the secret spot to communicate with each other.Could there have been more stories of hidden love and secret rendezvous here?Are Brooke and I just a reincarnation, randomly chosen to live the same life?
I pull out the brick and hold it in my hand, smiling when I see that she’s carved aB&Ninto the stone.The sight lifts my heart.Even if it’s not aB + N, it’s close enough.I’ll always take any scrap of affection she tosses to me.I look into the cavity and find a folded-up piece of paper next to two purple candles; the wicks having been lit at one point.I know exactly when they were used because I’m the one that lit them for Brooke’s birthday a few years ago.It was the first time I bought her a cake, and I feel myself choke up with emotion as my fingers meet the thin columns of wax.I pull them out and tuck them into my pocket, vowing to keep them for the rest of my life, and then I pull out the folded piece of paper.
I unfold it, my heart pounding as I see the hard press of her pen into the paper with each stroke of her hand.I begin to fear the worst because I know what those two candles meant to her.I saw it the day I lit them on top of that purple cake, and for her to give them back could only mean she doesn’t want to give us a chance.
I sit on the narrow, rickety stairs as I smooth out the paper on my knees, taking a deep breath before I read the two small paragraphs she has on the page.
Dearest Nolan,
