Page 30 of Fighting the Tide
“Yeah, a spider.Do you know what a spider likes to eat, Nolan?”I give him a quizzical look, keeping my mouth shut because honestly, this could go on all night.“Blood, and each of us, each sticky, fucking strand, is put there meticulously to catch the little flies and bugs that get caught in our grasp.Your father is a big fucking bug, Nolan.”
“Look, Darren.I appreciate you coming and warning me about my deadbeat fucking father, and I will tell my mother, but there’s nothing we can do about it.I can’t pay that money, she certainly can’t pay that money, and we’re not going to.So if you ever threaten me with a gun again, or come pick me up to talk about my drug-addict father, I’m going to the police.”His eyebrow shoots up at my threat, which isn’t so much of a threat as it is a promise.I won’t let my mother become a victim to a bunch of drug dealers because of my father, and if that means I put my neck on the line to protect her, then so be it.
“I hear you.”He nods and then reaches forward to open the glove compartment, revealing the same gun he pressed to my head not too long ago.“Take that.It’s loaded so be careful with it, but I think you’re going to need it.”
“I’m not taking a fucking gun, you idiot!”I scream as I open the car door and slam the glove compartment closed with my knee.“There’s no way I’m going to have a gun in my house!”
“You may regret that if your father comes sniffing around and brings a few friends with him to help convince your mother to give him money.”His words shatter every piece of bravery I was feeling, letting it all crash at my feet as I stare at him.I know he sees the fear in my eyes, there would be no mistaking it because I feel it so deep inside.I’m going away in a few months and my mother will be here alone, and the thought of my father and his cronies coming around looking for money while I’m gone scares the shit out of me.
“I’m not taking that gun,” I repeat with conviction.“What options do I have?”Darren sits back and releases his breath in a long sigh.
“You still got that rich girlfriend.”He looks straight ahead out the windshield toward the graying sky, the clouds looking just as ominous as I’m feeling.
“What about it?”There’s no concealing the tremor in my voice or the sudden shaking of my hands.
“I could possibly get that spider to drop it if he was paid.The ban would be lifted and your father could come back here without the threat of being shot in the head.”I internally curse the man who’s done nothing for his family but put us all in jeopardy.
“There’s no way I can ask Brooke for fifteen thousand dollars,” I spit out, my muscles tensing with stress.
“I could probably get him to look the other way for ten K.That’s as low as I can go.”
I’ve never seen that much money in my life, let alone dare to ask anyone to lend it to me.The thought of going to my girlfriend to bail out my father for his addiction feels wrong.“How long do I have?”
“That depends on your dad and when he decides to come back.”I get out of the car and shut the door, looking in at Darren through the open window.
“What made you do this?Become a drug runner and sell drugs to stupid men here in Chatham?”
“My dreams were shattered a long time ago, Sears, and now I want nothing more than to make money and pray on weak men.”He says each word as if it’s a curse, as if he’s casting a spell to ruin everyone’s life here in Chatham in retaliation to whatever it was that was done to him.It makes me want to reach into the car and rip his fucking head off, but instead, I turn away and slowly walk up my driveway.
I don’t have the luxury anymore of ignoring the problems my father’s causing and hoping they go away.I’m the man of the house and I think I have been for a long time.It’s my job to take care of my mother and to make sure she’s safe, even if I’m not here.So if that means I have to beg my rich girlfriend to give me enough money to hold back the rot in Chatham, then that’s what I have to do.I step inside my house, knowing I won’t find my mother here because I told her it’s Brooke’s birthday and I wouldn’t be able to help her clean the Easthams’ house today.The cottage is eerily silent, the small space no longer filled with the loud humming of our fridge since we replaced the compressor.I slip the cake inside the fridge and open up what should be the linen closet and begin to pick my clothes for tonight.
It may be spring here in Chatham, but the air still holds the chill of winter, especially at night and even more so near the water.I grab a dark pair of track pants and a matching sweater, and head to the shower.It’s going to be the first bonfire of the season, and a first without Avery.It’s been a year since our first falling out and we’re still on rocky terms.I often think fate has brought us all together.There’s a reason why I have the connection I do with Brooke, and how we keep defying gravity to stay in each other’s orbit.My friendship with Avery is important and I care about her, but I can’t deny that void inside of me.It screams for Brooke and I hope one day Avery can accept that.
After my shower, I grab the cake out of the fridge and step out of my back door just as the sun begins to set.It’ll still be about another hour before people show up on the beach, but I have something I want to set up first.I pick up the basket I left out on the back porch this morning and begin to walk toward the bonfire pit.There’s a low rumble in the distance and when I take a deep breath I can smell the moisture in the air.There will be rain tonight and it’ll be reminiscent of each time I’ve spent with Brooke on the beach.I smile to myself, knowing that she’ll be happy tonight, and even though I have so many things going on and worries about my mother’s safety, I can’t help but be excited for Brooke too.
I walk by the bonfire pit and continue toward my destination.She and I have created a safe space together, one that’s neutral and has endured time and stormy weather.I feel like that could be a testament to Brooke and me.We’ve endured similar, and even though I’ll be leaving in less than six months, I hope this foundation is just as strong as the lighthouse.
I pull open the gate and walk up to the door, the heavy steel faded and scratched.Esthetically, the lighthouse isn’t beautiful.It’s mismatched and covered in scars, but on the inside, it’s warm and provides protection from the outside world.It’s akin to how I feel about my relationship with Brooke.On the outside, we’re mismatched and we both carry a lot of baggage, the scars hidden beneath our skin, but when we’re together, we just get each other, and I’ll protect that through any storm.
I set down the basket and cake, and pull out the blanket, laying it down on the floor.It’s nothing special, but she made a wish and I’ve waited all year to make it come true.I want it to be just the two of us and then I want to show her exactly how I’m feeling.I’ve come a long way from the guy who didn’t want love or a relationship.I want to finally reveal that my heart has been beating just for her.I want her to know just how special she makes me feel.I won’t hold back from what it is my heart wants to tell her because it feels like tonight just might be the beginning of the rest of my life.
I don’t emerge from the lighthouse until I can hear the deep bass of music in the distance.It’s probably Kasen and his boom box.I don’t want to keep Brooke waiting too long for fear that she’ll think I ditched her on her birthday, so I walk along the sand and look out toward the ocean as the sounds of the party become louder.I’ve come to realize I’m not a social person and these parties always leave me feeling more awkward than anything else, but Brooke is social and I want to try, if only just for her.
“Nolan!”Brooke’s voice carries on the breeze, and when I turn my gaze from the ocean, I find her running toward me, her wavy blonde hair catching on the air’s current and reflecting the moonlight above her head.Her face is done up with makeup, and even though I’ve come to realize it’s Brooke’s mask, I think it’s beautiful nonetheless.
She crashes into my arms and already I can smell liquor, nicotine, and marijuana all combined.I don’t chastise her this time because it is her birthday after all, but I do want to have a conversation about the partying before the summer is underway.“Happy birthday,” I tell her as I bury my head against her neck, breathing in her scent.Vanilla musk infused with her mango bodywash.
“Avery is here,” she warns me, making my head pop up and look toward the bonfire, and there she is sitting on a log, a bottle of beer in one hand and the other clasped around Monica’s.I want to march over there and give her a shake, hoping common sense will force its way inside her brain, but I compel myself to look away instead.
A beer is pushed into my hand and I find myself seated on the log across from Avery and Monica, smack dab between Cassie and Brooke.It’s like déjà vu of the worst kind because it doesn’t feel likemaybeI’ve been here before, I’ve actually been here before.Brooke curls herself into my side, and I wrap an arm around her shoulders, gripping the material of her sweater in the palm of my hand just to prove that this is real.I hope it’s not some sick joke where I’ll end up at the top of that lighthouse, begging Brooke to come back off the ledge.My heart beats erratically, and I blame it on Darren and the stress of worrying about my mother, the money that I have to somehow find, and the mocha eyes sitting across the fire, watching me intensely.I blame it on Cassie, whose hand is running up and down my thigh, and I blame it on Kasen who has the music so loud that I can feel it echoing in my chest.But ultimately, I blame it on myself because I can’t seem to let things go, to live just for the moment because I’ve always been worried about the future.
A whiskey bottle makes its rounds around the fire and ends up in my left hand.I take a few gulps and let the burn fight its way down through the pressure in my chest, hoping it’ll alleviate some of the stress, and it does.Brooke is next and she takes a couple swigs before passing it back around to Kasen.When her eyes peer up at me from behind thick lashes, my heart begins to beat erratically for an entirely different reason.
Brooke’s mouth presses to my ear, her tongue sliding along the shell and then her hot breath coasting along my cheek as she whispers, “Let’s go to our place.”I’m instantly hard and throbbing with this sudden desire as I brush Cassie’s hand off my leg for what feels like the tenth time in the last two minutes.I stand and drag Brooke up with me, uncaring of the eyes that are watching us as we stumble away toward our own safe haven.
The stars twinkle down on us as we stagger through the sand, our laughs echoing into the night sky as the moon provides the light to guide us.Everything feels heavy and light at the same time, like I’m at my happiest moment inside the darkest time of my life.When I open the lighthouse door and Brooke’s gasp reaches my ears, the words just come tumbling out of my mouth.“I love you, Brooke Eastham.You’ve changed me, you’ve shown me what it is to live, and I hope I can give you even a fraction of what you give me every day.”
She sinks to her knees on the blanket, and I move to sit beside her as I reach over and grab the box, pulling it between us.Her eyes are sparkling with unshed tears as I lift the top and she looks inside, a choked laugh bubbling up from her chest.“It’s a purple cake.”
