Page 22 of Fighting the Tide
“And I was just thinking about how much I missed you,” I admit as I stop about five feet in front of her.“I miss my best friend.”
“Oh, Nolan!”Her voice hitches on a sob as she runs forward, wrapping her arms around my waist and I breathe in her scent.“Can you ever forgive me?”
“It wasn’t you I needed to forgive, Aves.It was me.”I gather her in close and rest my chin on her head.“I just couldn’t face that you were right.I was on the path to becoming him and I didn’t care because I was having too much fun.”
“You will never become him.”She pulls back and looks up at me.“Never, Nolan Sears.You are too good, better than anyone else in this town.I’m so sorry.”
“Wait until I tell you everything to make your final judgment,” I advise as I walk her to the logs.“There’s a lot you don’t know.”
“I have a lot to tell you too,” she whispers as we sit.“I swear I’m the biggest idiot here in Chatham.”She falls to the log with ahumph.
As the sky shoots orange and red across the sky, I listen to Avery tell me everything that’s happened in the last few months we haven’t been talking.Her parents are separated and Darren is now living with her dad in town.She had a fling with Monica and fell back in love, only to face another crushing blow when Monica decided she was going away to church camp and planning to rekindle her faith in Jesus.Which meant being a lesbian was a sin.Then she shows me the still-busted knuckles on her right fist, explaining that she sucker punched Kasen the night of the end-of-the-year bonfire because he told her to suck his dick.
“I realized today that it’s your birthday tomorrow, and we’ve never missed a birthday.I know we usually spend the Fourth of July together and that used to be my reminder, but we didn’t this year.”Her eyes shine with tears as she sniffs.“I couldn’t let this quarrel go on any longer.It’s all so silly.”I continue to grin at her as she blinks her tears away.“What?”
It hurts that I won’t be spending my birthday with Brooke, I’ll admit it, but I was never meant to be in her orbit.She’s like the sun, beautiful from a distance, but deadly if you get too close.Me?I’m like the moon, solitary and small.We’d only ever cross on those rare eclipse moments, and before you know it, it’s over in a blink of an eye.
“I’m glad you’re here, but damn…” I let out a whistle as I shake my head.“Come for a ride with me to pick up my mother and I will tell you about my last few months.I think I may have you beat.”
Chapter Ten
Senior year - Cape Cod September 1995
AveryandIarestanding back at the bus stop, our backpacks hanging off our shoulders and our skin sun-kissed from the hot summer months.I had a great summer with Avery, and it felt like old times again, but there were days when I felt like something was missing.I missed Brooke and our movie dates.I missed her spontaneity, and sometimes, when I allowed myself to remember, I missed the connection we had inside the lighthouse.
I hadn’t seen her all summer, and whenever I hoped I would run into her, I remembered that she was probably too busy partying with David MacNeill and Sean Clark.
Mom did well this summer, which she usually does when the tourists come in.The cottages open up, and it’s her card they find at every counter to hire for cleaning.She’s also managed to hide the money away from Dad who has been searching tirelessly for her new stashing spot.He had no other choice but to borrow money from his friends, whoever they are, and now they’ve been fighting about the debt he owes.
“When do you hear back from Columbia?”Avery nudges my shoulder, pulling me from my dark thoughts.
“Latest is November,” I tell her as my stomach swirls with anxiety.I put all my eggs in Colombia’s basket and didn’t apply anywhere else.There’s nowhere else I want to go, and if for some reason Columbia fails, then I was never meant to leave Chatham.
It’s a terrifying thought to think that my life, my future, balances on the edge of a knife, and the outcome of where I end up is based on someone else’s decision.It feels like I’ve handed over Nolan Sears’ life for someone else to steer while I sit back and become a passenger to my own destiny.
The bus pulls up to the stop, and suddenly, I feel sad that I won’t be sitting in the front with Miss Daisy anymore.When Avery and I step up into the vehicle, Daisy looks at us and smiles, clearly happy that we’ve worked everything out, and when I get to the top of the stairs, I rest my hand on her shoulder and give it a squeeze.“How was your summer with your tourist husband?”
She laughs and pulls the lever to shut the door behind me.“It was good, Mr.Sears.Now you head back to that seat and sit down so I can get moving.”I start walking down the aisle when she calls my name again and I turn to look at her over my shoulder.“I’m still waiting on word from Colombia.”
“Me too, Miss Daisy.”I turn back around and scan the seats, taking in the absence of the senior kids.That’s me and Avery now.Once again life is altered, and even though the shift feels so seamless, it’s adding to the void that keeps growing inside of me.It makes me long even more for the days of my childhood and those sandcastles on the beach.All of it proves that life just slips out from under you and memories fade over time.
“You look like someone pissed in your Cheerios,” Avery snaps as she grabs my arm and hauls me into the seat.I adjust my backpack onto my lap and shrug my shoulders as I take in the atmosphere of the bus.
“It’s just quieter,” I explain, “feels empty.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?”She’s looking at me with a bewildered expression.“We hated the noise on the bus last year.The senior losers were loud.”
“Now we’re the senior losers.”I give her a mischievous smile.
“At least we’re quiet,” she retorts and turns her head to look out the window.
I wish Miss Daisy a good day as I step off the bus, and then take in the school in front of me.It’s still the same brown, brick structure with bright green manicured lawns, but it’s different somehow.Or maybe I’m different.I’m not the same Nolan who stood here this time last year, and when I think of all the reasons why, it all twists back to Brooke Eastham.Knowing her, being with her, and experiencing life through her eyes for those short few months, completely changed me.My heart pounds in my chest as Avery and I walk toward the entrance, and my eyes nervously flick over the parking lot, looking for that pink convertible.I don’t want to see her, but I can’t deny that the void inside of me pulses with a plea.She buried herself inside of me, and the moment she pulled away, I was left empty.There’s nothing else that will satiate the hole in my soul.It belongs to her and I just have to face that.
I’ve tried to figure out if this is what love is.Am I in love with Brooke Eastham?I’ve explained how I’m feeling to Avery a few times over the summer, but I didn’t get into the details of it, and when I asked her if this is how she felt about Monica, she said no.She explained to me that her body feels heavy, her heart like a rock in her chest whenever Monica isn’t around, but when they’re together there’s no high that she can compare it to.It’s of its own caliber, and the way her heart swells she says she feels like the Grinch at the end of the movie.I know Avery is in love with Monica, so when I compare how she feels with how I feel, it’s not the same.
My heart doesn’t expand for Brooke and it doesn’t feel small when she’s not around.It’s as if she took the tapestry of my soul and weaved herself into it.Then the second she ripped herself away, she tore at that fabric, and now it’s in tattered pieces, waiting for her to come back.
It’s not my heart that’s affected, it’s my soul.So what does that mean?Are we soulmates?
