Page 12 of Fighting the Tide
“No.”I shake my head and drop back on my ass, resting my forearms along my knees.“I don’t think you’re stupid.I just worry about you.I’m scared that you’re becoming attached to people who are unavailable, and I think you’re doing it subconsciously to protect yourself.”She stops what she’s doing to watch me, her brows crinkling together in the center.“I know you’re afraid about your sexuality, and I can’t tell you how you should act or how you shouldn’t because I don’t experience each day the way you do, but you deserve as much happiness as anybody else, more so.”
“She’s always going to run back to Kasen.”Avery dusts the sand off her hands before giving me a look as she tucks back the hair that’s blowing across her face and then she looks out at the waves.Her mouth is turned down in sadness, the weight of her broken heart evident on her face.“He gives her stability I can’t.The path he’s on for his career, the prospect of getting married, and having children.She can have all those things with him.”
There’s nothing I can say to make her feel better about any of that.It’s obvious that women can’t physically reproduce together, and marriage would be impossible for them, so for the first time since finding out about Avery’s sexuality, I get a small taste of the discrimination that comes along with it.“I’m sorry, Aves.”I get back up to my knees and continue working on the wall.“Maybe Monica will realize one day that none of those things matter, or she won’t, either way, you still deserve better.”
“I overheard a few things that you and Kasen were arguing about this afternoon.”I knew she was listening at the door, but I won’t chastise her for it because she’s finally opening up to me.“And I ran out of there and took the bus to Monica’s house.”
“Seriously?”My body tenses with her admission, both hands still filled with sand as I stare at her.I don’t want Kasen thinking I snitched to my best friend and I don’t want Brooke getting entangled in this weird threesome further.
“Yeah.I thought this was it.Kasen was cheating on her again, but this time it’s with Brooke Eastham.He’s been lusting for Brooke for about as long as I’ve been wanting Monica and I thought this was it.It would be the final straw and she would break up with him.”She throws the sand down out of her hands and growls with frustration.“But do you know what I saw instead?He was dropping her off at the end of her driveway when I was walking up her street.Her skirt was on sideways, her blouse untucked, and her hair a mess.I know what they were doing in his car, and instead of walking up there and telling her in front of him, I turned right back around and walked away.”
“You did the right thing,” I tell her as the tension leaves my body.“I don’t know if Monica would have believed it coming from you, especially knowing what your feelings are for her, and I’m sure Kasen would have convinced her as well.I can’t tell you to shut off your feelings, but I think it’s time you washed your hands of Monica Benton once and for all.”
“How, Nolan?Just tell me how and I’ll do it.I’ll do anything to be able to have one full night of sleep without lingering dreams of her.”She’s begging me for answers she knows I can’t give her, and guilt swarms next to the betrayal inside of me.It only helps me to understand why she didn’t tell me.It’s not like I could have helped her in any way really.Monica is like Avery’s meth, her very own dreams of the future in crystal form, and she’s in the throes of addiction.I have no clue how to wean her off of that drug.
“I don’t know, Avery, but I do know that you’re going to have to force yourself.It’s got to be cold turkey.”I give her the cold, hard facts because if the tables were turned, that’s what I would want.I watch her face crumple as her shoulders sag and I know she appreciates my honesty despite the way her heart is breaking.“You have to tell yourself there won’t be another chance...you won’t hand over your heart to her again because it doesn’t deserve to be trampled on, and once you begin to believe it, you’ll be able to forget about her.”
I’m not sure if any of that is true, but it feels right.I can only tell her what I think because I haven’t experienced love or heartbreak yet.Maybe I never will.After witnessing the destruction of my own parents’ marriage, it’s not something I’m actively writing into my future.
She stands up with a heavy exhale as the wind blows the hoodie off her head, freeing her hair as it flies up and around her face.She takes in a deep breath of briny air and lets it out through her mouth before turning to look at me.“I should go.”Her eyes begin to well up and become glossy as she tries her best to blink it away.“I have an essay to get done for tomorrow.”
“Okay.”I nod, knowing this is her way of saying she needs space.“I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Sorry for running out on you earlier and leaving you with the editing.I promise to pick up the slack.”A sad smile curves along her mouth as she pulls her hood back up over her head.
“Yeah, you left me with the tough job of cutting out Bryson’s jockstrap.”A surprised cackle bubbles up out of her chest and I smile at her, enjoying the sound, even if it is short-lived.“It was no easy feat.”
“Trust me, that’s only because it was a close-up, otherwise it would have been easy enough.”This time I’m laughing as she toes at the sand around her foot.“Anyway, good night, Nolan.”
“Goodnight, Sanderson.”She slowly walks away and I watch each one of her footsteps along the sand until she disappears around the bend, then I fall back and look up at the sky, abandoning the pitiful-looking castle.
Clouds are rolling in, obscuring the stars as they slowly blink to life.There’s no wishing on any of them tonight because I think I’ve wished on them all in the past few years.Nothing has changed, if anything, things are worse.My stomach growls as a cramp seizes the muscle, and I realize the only thing I’ve had to eat today was an apple and some crackers at school, but if starving means I can avoid being caught in the crossfires of my toxic family, then so be it.I’ll perish away, let my skin dry and turn to dust, and when the tide rolls in, I won’t fight it as it collects my bones and buries me under its waves.
Before my thoughts take a darker, more sinister turn, I get back up and look down at the half-built castle, the walls already starting to fall in clumps to the ground.For some reason, it’s as if I’m watching my life unfold.I feel like I’m crumbling bit by bit and I no longer know the people around me as well as I thought I did.We all have secrets and they have a funny way of coming into the light when you least expect it.
I turn my back on the castle and head toward my house, hoping I can slip inside unnoticed and grab a snack before I get into bed.When I hit the back door I stand there and wait for the sounds of the aftermath, my snoring father and my sobbing mother, but I hear neither and I let loose my breath that I’m holding in my chest.I let the burn from my lungs radiate outward as I pull open the door and step inside the darkened cottage.It’s apparent why the aftermath is so different, because when I peek into my parents’ bedroom, it’s only my mother sleeping soundly in the bed, and when I look toward our front door, I can see my father’s boots are missing.Who knows where he’ll be tonight and if he’ll make it home at all.Not for the first time, I find myself not caring.No longer does it stress me out to think of my parents being apart or my father wandering the streets in a drunken haze.
I fall onto my couch-bed, knowing I should take a shower and get out of these clothes, but I don’t want to risk waking up my mother.She needs the rest.I just hope this time he doesn’t come back.
Chapter Six
Thenextweekgoesby, and even though my dad did come back, my parents haven’t been speaking much.This is normal after he’s stripped my mother of her paycheck, forcing us to live off scraps until the next one.He has been playing the pity game now, shuffling around the house and looking shameful.My mother’s been busy cleaning houses from morning to night, making up for the missing money.I’ve still been joining her after school to help out and to also put away money for my own equipment.She’s been letting me take the tips the homeowners leave on the kitchen counters for her, and last week Brooke’s mother left a twenty, but I had slipped that into my mother’s purse after the debacle with my father.
School has been intense.Brooke hasn’t been showing up to homeroom, but I have been seeing her sporadically around the school property during the day, thankfully without Kasen.He’s been too busy making things up to Monica and following her around with nearly the same expression my father’s been using all week.Monica looks like she’s blissfully happy with the attention he’s been giving her while Avery sits and stews, her face becoming more and more tense as the days go on.I know she’s still tempted to step in and tell Monica about Kasen and Brooke, but she’s been trying her best just to stay away, even if she’s still pining for the girl.
Today’s Friday and that means I’m back at Brooke’s house with Mom after school.It’s nothing I would ever admit out loud, but I’m anticipating seeing her outside of school.I feel like she wears a mask here as she walks the halls with her head held high, but it’s there in her eyes, the emptiness I saw that day when she was inside her shower.No matter how much blue eyeshadow she packs on or how often her laugh rings out around the lunchroom, she’s still lost and teetering on the edge.
So while Avery is obsessively watching Monica, not being discreet at all, I find myself doing the same with Brooke Eastham.I couldn’t really articulate why, I can’t seem to figure it out myself.My heart doesn’t pound with infatuation for her and I don’t find my palms sweaty or my body reacting to her in a way a lover’s would.There’s something else connecting us, like a magnet on two polar ends, slowly coming together.I just can’t figure out what the attraction is.Maybe it was seeing her inside her shower stall, completely soaked through her uniform and those eyes staring up at me as if her head was hollow, like Brooke no longer resided inside of her skin.Maybe that was the moment things clicked into place and I suddenly offered myself as a lifeline for the most reckless girl in Cape Cod.
The bus jolts to a stop and Avery rises from her seat as I follow close behind her.That’s what I’ve been doing a lot lately, following behind her, letting her work through her emotions to figure out exactly how she’s going to move on without my interference, but sometimes it feels as if I’m pressing my nose and mouth into the opening of an exhaust pipe and sucking in toxic fumes.I can’t help but soak up some of the energy that trails behind her, yet I don’t dare leave her side, no matter how quiet she is or how strong of a front she puts up.I know she needs me, and if it means I’m filling my lungs with toxic vapor for a little while, then so be it.
We step off the bus just as a few drops of rain hit us in the face, and Avery exhales a long, tortured breath before looking up at me.“Are you helping your mother tonight?”
“Yeah.”I nod and look across the street, avoiding her eyes.“We should be done around six.”
“Did you wanna come over after?We could watch a movie?”Finally, I look down at her.Her request is more of a plea than it is a suggestion because she likely needs something to take her mind off of a certain cheerleader.“Dad’s been staying at the motel in town, and Darren probably won’t be home.Besides, I have pizza pockets.”
“Well, that does it.Pizza pockets for the win.”I grin at her and pull the straps of my bag tighter on my shoulders.“I’ll see you around 6:30.”
