Page 52 of Motivating Mira
“Early service sub shift, cleaning and stocking the Dungeon, then my classes. I have five, starting with Professor Holland, and when I’ve finished classes, I’m driving back to Butte.” She gathered a breath. “Hopefully to take my mom home.”
“Good. A busy day will help with any sub drop you might have.”
She nodded, pressing her lips together at our sudden awkwardness after being so connected and vulnerable together. “You?”
“Home to Jesse and Marni tonight. See if the house is still standing. And then I’ll be at the hospital all day the next day.”
“Maybe I’ll see you?” she asked tentatively, her eyes finding mine.
I smiled. “Of course you will. We’ll have dinner in the cafeteria, where I’ll be a pain in the ass?—”
“And I’ll still have one.” She gave me a half smile.
I returned her smile, but I didn’t feel it. Reaching out, I pulled her against me, swallowing the words that sat on my tongue.This doesn’t have to end.
“Maybe we could—” the phone in her hand stopped the next words from leaving her mouth. She was staring at it, and I was staring at her until her mouth turned down. “I’ll call them back when I get to my room.”
“I’ll walk you.”
“No, I don’t need you to.”
I nodded and that was it. The spell had been broken, and we were nothing more than friends—and maybe the term friend was even too familiar with the giant wedge suddenly between us.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said and turned away.
Holding my breath, knowing it wouldn’t happen, I ran my eyes up and down her form, drinking every curve in and committing it to memory. Because I knew that’s all I’d have.
And then she was gone, and I was left with nothing but an open door and a battered heart.
I should have gone home, but I wasn’t ready. Instead, I hit a bar in Butte about ten minutes from the house. I wasn’t a regular drinker and yet here I was, a lineup of empty shot glasses in front of me. After having my first drink in months with Mira the night before.
Shaking my head, I waved for another drink, even though I knew drinking wasn’t the answer. “Never in the history of the world has anything ever been solved with a drink,” I said to no one since the bar was mostly empty on a Sunday night.
“I’ve settled more than one fight with my brother-in-law over beers.”
I looked at the guy three stools down from me and lifted a fresh shot glass that had just been slid in front of me.
“Okay. Admittedly I don’t know the world’s entire history, in fact, I hated history in school. World War One could have been solved over a pint and I wouldn’t know it.”
The guy laughed. “What are you trying to solve with those shots then?”
“I’m a doctor. I believe in science, concrete facts. But there’s this girl.”
“It’s always a girl,” the guy said taking a pull of his beer.
“What I feel for Mira goes beyond chemistry. Beyond anything I’ve ever felt before. And I know chemistry way better than history.” I swayed a bit as I turned to my new friend. “And even considering the dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin coursing through me, I know in my heart…” I held up a finger and tapped it to my chest. “Not the beating muscle behind my ribcage, but the heart of my soul.” I smacked my hand on the bar. “That yes, I am in love.” I lowered my forehead onto my bent arm.
“And that scares the shit out of me,” I said although it was probably too muffled to be heard.
But I wasn’t the only one feeling shellshocked, I thought, recalling the look in Mira’s eyes when she told me she’d been in love with me. She was too.
“How do you know it’s love?”
I sat up. “My soul heart,” I repeated. “But maybe also because I’ve never been in love before her, maybe that’s how I know this is it.” I waved a hand. “Or maybe I’m just drunk.”
I rose and headed for the door.
The cool breeze outside hit me and it made me shiver a bit like my regret. I should never have let it happen. The chemistry was off the charts between us, the sex so incredible, I’ll relive it for the rest of my life, but it wasn’t what she needed.
