Page 17 of Motivating Mira
“I need you to show me you’ll be fine without me. Show me you don’t need some guy like Josh to take care of you. I can’t die knowing that I left you like this.”
And it had been at that moment I’d decided as soon as school was done, I was done with that side of myself. BDSM would be strictly sexual, not a twenty-four-seven lifestyle, and not something I needed, but something I did occasionally for fun or maybe not at all.
Living and going to school at the Ranch meant I still had to follow the rules, and accept discipline if someone deemed it necessary, like my professor or Master Derek, or any other Dom who worked there, but I’d stopped looking for a D/s relationship and made it clear to anyone I played with I wasn’t interested in long-term or monogamous. And with Master Derek too, since he had this sneaky habit of playing matchmaker.
Reality and fantasy were forever separate. My mom needed to see that I’d be fine when she died, so she could stop worrying and let go when the time came. And I needed to see it too, because once she was gone, that was it. There was no one to fall back on, no childhood home to run to, no family as backup if another man like Josh came into my life. I had to stand alone like the proverbial cheese.
I blinked at my formerDaddystanding in front of me and my heart ached.
“I thought you were going to go home?”
Dr. Lake’s voice was smooth and deep, and I was weak because, as the memories suddenly came pouring back, I didn’t stop them.
“Naughty girlie.” He circled me, speaking in that low velvety voice while he had me tied down to a Rawhidespanking bench. My legs spread wide, my waiting pussy wet, and my ass tingling in anticipation as he smacked a leather strap against the palm of his hand.
“Do you know why Daddy’s about to strap your ass and thighs?”
“Yes, Daddy. I’m your naughty girlie and you can do whatever you want to me.”
“While those things are all true, tonight’s about something else. It’s about getting you out of your head. You told Daddy you feared what would happen when our time was up, yeah?”
“Yes, I am afraid of that, Daddy. I don’t want you to leave.”
“Well, Daddy is too. So tonight, we’re going to scene hard, make sure we’re both too exhausted to think about it, then I’m going to fuck you so thoroughly, that you can’t move a muscle all night as I hold you in my arms.”
Gah, it was exactly what I’d needed then, and even more so now. When was the last time I had a night without hours of fighting off intrusive thoughts and waking up exhausted?
I could practically feel the fullness of the plug filling my ass. How the Ranch’s linked horseshoes emblem on the end hit the light as he made me spread my cheeks to see it in the mirror. How he meant it to remind me I was his girlie as he used me for his pleasure, while denying mine for a good long time just because he could.
Holyfuckingshit!I was wet and throbbing just from the memory.
Guilt washed over me, cold and slimy, as I looked past him to the fifth floor, six windows from the left, at my mother’s room window. What kind of person was horny all the time while theirmom was in a bed fighting for every single day she got to live? How could I be thinking of my own needs?
“I was going home,” I said, shaking my head. “Iamgoing home.”
“I hate to beat a dead horse here, Mira, but…” Dr. Lake’s words trailed off.
He must have mistaken my look at the window as longing. Ugh, if he only knew what just went through my head… he’d run. What kind of a person did that?I didn’t deserve his empathy or care.
But was that really true? I wasn’t doing it because I didn’t love my mom, or care that she was dying. I did it more because shewasdying. Because despite all the other complicated emotions I had, watching her die made me grasp and fight to cling to anything that made me feel alive.
And nothing made me feel more alive than BDSM, sex, and being forced to stay in the moment. Hard to obsess about the future when you’re anchored to the moment by a man holding your throat and rubbing your clit. Could I really be blamed for longing for that?
“I know you want to be with her every second of the day, Mira, but you can’t afford to let your own health fail. What good will you be then?”
I blinked, fighting to keep the overwhelming emotions down. If he noticed this about me, so would my mother. And I didn’t want to burden her any further.
“No good,” I murmured. “I was actually going to go home though. I was just too tired to drive and thought I’d close my eyes for a few minutes before I did.”
He narrowed his eyes slightly in a way that told me I was about to be scolded, which had the wrong effect because there was no way he meant to make my panties wet. Gush of arousal, gush of guilt, what a terrible cycle I was in tonight.
“Funny, your eyes didn’t look closed. In fact, they looked like they were studying.”
He crossed his arms like he had earlier. This time I couldn’t see how defined his arms were with his jacket on, but earlier when he was wearing scrubs, I’d definitely noticed how beautiful they were with thick muscles, plump veins winding up his forearms, and light brown hair scattered over golden tanned skin.
I hadn’t looked so closely at a man in a very long time. I didn’t need to for my fantasies. My leaping-off point was more about a trigger—a sentence or word or action that made my proverbial ears prick and then my imagination took over. Like when a man teasingly called his girlfriendgood girlin the line at Walmart, or when a tow truck driver put his hands on his hips and scolded a young woman, telling her she needed to pay better attention to her gauges when she was driving so late at night, or the —
“Were you studying, Mira?”
