Page 13 of Two Friends in Marriage
Janeiscalling,butI can’t pick up because I’m in the middle of a Zoom meeting.
As soon as I can, I call her back.
“We got the house!”she says.
I hadn’t let myself be too hopeful when we put in another offer, but I didn’t express that out loud.And now, it’s finally happened.We’re going to own a four-bedroom house in Richmond Hill.It’s a little dated, but there’s no critical work that needs to be done.
We end up closing on the house less than two weeks before the wedding, and we both get our stuff moved in a few days later, on a Friday.That first night, too tired to cook, we order pizza and eat it at the kitchen table—the one that used to be in my apartment.
“We should buy some patio furniture so we can eat outside,” Jane says.“And a barbecue, though maybe we should wait until next summer.”
Yeah, we’ve spent a lot of money lately, and looking at my accounts online makes me cringe.Jane and I also have a joint account now—for paying the mortgage and other household bills—and we’ve agreed on how much we’ll each put in monthly.
I can’t believe I have a mortgage.
I used to think I wouldn’t want to live north of Steeles, and I hoped to own a condo downtown one day.That was how I saw my future.But in 2020, stuck in a high-rise, I ached to have a yard.I wanted to step outside and see my garden.Even the idea of having a driveway to shovel sounded appealing.
And when the world (sort of) returned to normal, that feeling didn’t leave.
After dinner, we meticulously clean up, not wanting a crumb left on the floor or counter of our new house, and then we both do some unpacking in our bedrooms.
From the beginning, we agreed on having separate bedrooms.Of course, that might make some people suspicious of our marriage, but there are definitely couples who maintain separate bedrooms for one reason or another.My mom raised an eyebrow when she was here earlier, but Jane rushed to assure her that she’s a finicky sleeper and besides, she snores very loudly.(From traveling with her, I know that’s a lie.) Mom told her to participate in a sleep study.
I have the biggest bedroom, which has an en suite.Jane suggested this arrangement if it meant she got a second bedroom for her office; I’ll be working in the basement.
I’m hanging up clothes in the walk-in closet when Jane appears at my bedroom door.
“Hey,” she says.“I’m going to bed now.I’m beat.”
How do goodnights work with a committed friend and roommate?I’m not sure, but I walk toward her and wrap her in my arms.She smells faintly of peaches.
“We did it,” I say.
“Yes, we did.See you in the morning.”
But as she returns to her bedroom, I no longer feel like I’ve accomplished something big.No, I feel strangely hollow.
I just bought a house with my soon-to-be spouse.We shouldn’t necessarily be having sex right now—after all, it’s been a long day, and we’re not twenty-two—but I feel like we ought to be snuggling in bed together, even if one of us eventually goes to another room to sleep.
Until we made that pact, I never imagined marriage would be like this.
Same-sex marriage has been legal in Ontario since before I started high school.When I came out at the age of fourteen, it was in a world where I’d be able to marry the person of my choice, no matter their gender.That didn’t mean everything was rainbows and unicorns, but I always felt like I had options.
I would get to marry for love.
Yet here I am, nine days away from my wedding, and there’s no romance.A friendly sort of love, sure.But not the kind I thought I’d have.
What if I hadn’t given up?Sure, the pact might have given me solace at one point, but I didn’t need to go through with it.I was dissatisfied with my career and managed to make a change in the fall, rather than assuming I was stuck.Maybe I could have succeeded here as well.
It’s not too late, a voice in my head says.
I scoff.It’s definitely too late.We own a goddamn house together.
Besides, I made a promise to her, back when her piece-of-shit father said he wasn’t coming to our wedding.Aside from the logistical mess, flaking out on that promise is not something I’d do to Jane.I refuse to be another person in her life who thoroughly disappoints her.She doesn’t deserve it.
Listlessly, I wash up.There are two sinks in this bathroom, but it seems unnecessary.It’s not like there will ever be two people in here at the same time.
I crawl into my queen bed.Though the mattress is familiar, the outside noises are slightly different from what I’m used to, but eventually, I fall asleep.
