Page 68 of Two Friends in Marriage
And why doesn’t he see friends more often?
I think of the blue bottle of antidepressants on the bathroom counter.He diligently takes them every day, despite the side effects.
Suddenly, it hits me.
Evan feels like he’s doing people a favor by not making them spend time with him.When I encouraged him to go out without me, it felt like confirmation of that.He’s still friendly with the people he encounters—he’s gotten to know our neighbors better than I have, for example—but he keeps his distance.
He wasn’t always like this.I know that much.
Oh, Evan.
My heart clenches as I curl closer to the man sleeping next to me, the man who wants to plan his flight so I don’t have to face my father alone.
Maybe I’m wrong.I have clues, here and there, yet I can’t be sure.I could ask him, but something in me recoils at the thought.
I don’t know how to be close to someone.
And I don’t know how he feels about me.Does he love me, but he’s afraid of being rejected, afraid of upsetting the balance in our marriage?
I have no idea what it looks like when someone loves me.I’ve said “I love you” to two boyfriends, and neither of them said it back.I put my heart out there, as hard as it was for me, and the last time, I got a gentle, “I care about you, too.”He was carefulnotto return the words I’d said to him.Maybe that’s part of the reason I didn’t even try to date for so long, and then I decided to forgo dating and simply get married.
I just don’t fall in love in the right way.
There have been times in my life when I couldn’t stand watching romances and romantic subplots.They usually portray something that doesn’t quite make sense for me.Something that makes me feel broken, as foolish as that may sound.Figuring out that I’m demisexual—during my second relationship—made me feel a bit better about how I fall in love, but I still feel like I’m not doing it right.
Because these feelings weren’t part of the plan.If I share the truth and it doesn’t go well, there’s so much I could lose.Waking up together.Morning coffee together.Pillow talk.A house that’s half mine, with my own office.A home where I feel like I belong.A longtime friend.
He said he wouldn’t have sex with anyone else, and maybe that means something—but not necessarily.He wasn’t doing it before, and perhaps he just doesn’t feel the need.
For the second night in a row, I can’t sleep, so I get up and spend half an hour reading negative reviews of random products on Amazon.
This time, however, I return to Evan’s bed when my eyes start to droop.
I don’t want him to wake up alone.
Chapter 22
Evan
Onthewaytovisit Max, I stop at a bakery in Scarborough to buy mooncakes.The Mid-Autumn Festival is earlier this year than last year.My older brother prefers slightly different ones than I do, but I don’t know what Kim likes.
Max’s girlfriend isn’t home when I get there.
“She’s shopping,” he says.
They’ve lived together for a few months, and I’ve only been here once before.It’s not as perfectly neat as Max’s place was when he lived alone, but it’s still tidy.
In silence, he makes tea and cuts the lotus mooncake into wedges.He gives me one with more egg, which is what I like.He doesn’t comment on it, though.Just does it.
As I sit with him at the kitchen table, the words I’d planned to say stick in my throat.I’d decided to tell him the truth about my marriage.Jane told Claudia, and she said it was okay if I told Max.But what I plan to tell my brother is probably a little different from what she told her friend earlier this year.
“Jane and I had a marriage pact,” I say.“In 2020, when we were both lonely, we agreed…that if we were both still single by her thirty-third birthday…we would get engaged.”I’m usually more fluent, but not today.Not about this.
Max arches an eyebrow, but he doesn’t look as surprised as he ought to be.I guess he continued to have more suspicions about my marriage than I’d assumed
“I didn’t think those pacts were ever serious,” he says.“You could have broken it, but you didn’t, even though I doubt you were secretly in love with her.Because…?”
“Because I was tired of getting dumped, and I couldn’t keep doing it.I just couldn’t.”
