Page 25 of Two Friends in Marriage
It seems like such an insufficient word.Good.
“It’s just what I wanted,” I add.“I have a proper home office and a yard to care for.Someone to eat meals and watch TV with me.It might not be exciting, but it’s nice.”
Claudia gives me a strange look.
“What?”I say.
“I’m not an expert in this sort of thing,” she begins, “but I was thinking of your marriage as a queerplatonic relationship, and now, I’m not so sure.Something about your expression…”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say automatically.“I’m not falling in love—romantic love—with my husband, which is what you seem to be getting at.Just because we cuddle and hold hands sometimes—”
“This ismeyou’re talking to.I get it.”
I sigh.“Even when I do fall in love, I don’t look starry-eyed.”
“Are you sure?”
I roll my eyes.“It’s just pleasant.Comfortable.”
Claudia has a couple of friends who are sharing a home and raising their kids together, without being romantically involved.They’re what comes to mind when I think of a queerplatonic relationship.But why does it feel weird to use that language for me and Evan?I’m not sure, but I know it’s not because I’m falling for him.
“It doesn’t feel suffocating?”she asks.“To be around each other so often?”
“No.I…” I trail off as I consider the fact that Evan doesn’t go out as much as I thought he might.I mean, he goes for walks and talks to the neighbors, but I was always under the impression that he had many friend groups and a much more active social life than I do.
I haven’t seen evidence of that, though.
“It’s nice.”It’s the second time I’ve used that word, but I’m not sure what else to say.“Like, yesterday was my mom’s birthday, and I was glad I wasn’t alone all day.I asked him to take out some frozen wedding cake, and he lit a candle and told me to make a wish.”
“What did you wish for?”
“For our marriage to continue to be good.That’s all.”
I never wanted anything big from life.Maybe it’s because my mom died when I was so young.I had to deal with that profound loss, and I didn’t imagine things like, I don’t know, becoming an astronaut.
No, living to thirty-three and owning a house seems like enough.A house where I feel like I belong, even if I’ve been here for less than a month.By the time I was a teenager, I felt like an outsider in the place where I’d grown up.Suzanne had moved in, and every picture of my mother—aside from those in my room—had been put away.I couldn’t be myself there, but I can here.
If some tiny part of me wanted a romance, well, being married to a nice man with a nice family should suffice.
Speaking of that family…
“His parents tried to convince us to go on a honeymoon and offered to pay for it.His mom confronted me since Evan had already said no.”
“But he has your back when dealing with his family?”
“Yeah, and they’re usually fine.It’s just that one incident.”
I find myself fiddling with the band on my finger and thinking of the gift he gave me earlier.A tiny ceramic dish, made by a local artist—I assume he got it at the market that he went to the other day—to hold my ring when I’m cooking.My platonic feelings for him are deepening, but I expected that to happen, once we started spending so much time together.
“I’m glad it’s going well,” Claudia says.“I’m just a little worried that one of you will change what you want from this marriage.”
I shake my head.“Enough about me.Now tell me about the drama in your D&D group.”
“How long do you have?”
By the time I go downstairs, it’s getting dark, and Evan is closing the vertical blinds at our back door.The action knocks down Watson’s umbrella.The forecast called for rain, and it did end up raining a little around lunch; I guess that’s why Evan went with an umbrella today.After he finishes closing the blinds, he carefully fixes the umbrella, and I look around the room.
“This room needs something else,” I say.
