Page 102 of Mr. Hotshot CEO
If he could always give that to me when I was down, if I knew I could always count on him, it probably would make my depressive episodes a little less severe and easier to handle.
However, Julian would not be able to stay. He doesn’t really get what it’s like. He can’t accept that my depression is untreatable; he believes he can fix me.
But he can’t.
God, I do love him, even if he doesn’t fully understand me.
I walk back to the lab with my lukewarm latte. I feel a little shaky, off-balance, and I hate that, but I try to be nice to myself. I just had a breakup, and even though Julian and I were only together for a short period of time, he still means so much to me. That won’t go away overnight.
What will improve my mood?
I text Lydia to see if today would be a good day to visit Heather.
* * *
My niece is in a greatmood when I arrive after work. She’s just been fed, and she gurgles happily. She’s more responsive now. When I shake a toy on one side of her head, she actually looks in that direction. All these tiny milestones that I never would have thought of, but she’s a little different every time I see her.
“Why don’t I take her for a walk?” I suggest.
Lydia tells me to use the baby carrier instead of the stroller because Heather has been fussy in the stroller lately. I get set up with the baby carrier with Heather facing toward me, and we set out on our walk around the neighborhood. I figure twenty minutes, maybe half an hour. Perhaps Heather will fall asleep.
“Let’s go,” I say as we head down the front steps. “Baby Heather and Aunt Courtney on a great big adventure!”
She makes some noises and moves her hands around in response.
Okay, this is good. Me and a happy baby.
But as I walk down the street, I’m overcome with a wave of sadness. I love my niece, but I can’t have a baby of my own because I can’t have a relationship.
Sure, technically, I could have a baby without a relationship, but I think I would really struggle as a single mother, given my mental health problems, which probably also put me at a higher risk of postpartum depression. I doubt it would be a good idea for me to set out on that path. If I were to have a baby, I’d want to at least try to have a serious relationship.
Unfortunately, that’s out of the question.
There might be a miniscule chance that I could make a relationship work, but it’s not worth the risk, not when it could kill me.
God, I wish I could have a baby. Just one, maybe two. Not a huge family, but a family nonetheless.
“It’s okay,” I say to Heather, trying to sound upbeat. “I have you! I’m yourfunaunt.”
Will and Naomi will probably have kids, too. I’ll have a few nieces and nephews. It’ll be good enough.
Dammit, I miss Julian. He was adorable with Heather.
Deep breaths. It’s okay. I can do this.
I turn a corner and head toward the park. Heather makes some more noises, and then her face scrunches up and she begins to wail at the top of her lungs.
“Shh.” I walk with more of a bounce in my step. “It’s okay! Mama’s not here, but you’ll see her soon.”
Heather is quiet for a moment, looking at me skeptically, then begins to wail again.
“We’re at the park! So many children on the playground. Soon you’ll be able to run around with them. Won’t that be fun?”
Heather apparently doesn’t think so. She keeps crying.
She was happy just a few minutes ago. What did I do wrong? Or maybe she needs to be changed? I don’t know.
A few tears slide down my cheeks. Her tears are contagious.
