Page 57 of The Official Problem
You took care of me; now I’ll take care of you.
Maybe that was all Kieran wanted when this fucked-up thing with Matthieu began. Still, he was realizing—maybe he’d known for weeks—that a quick fuck wasn’t enough anymore. Getting pushed around, submitting to Matthieu the way that once made his heart race, it didn’t satisfy him now.
He needed him—all of him. If he couldn’t have Matthieu’s heart too, he didn’t want any part of him at all. Walking away would crush him, but Cole had been right: he deserved someone who loved him back, who made him happy.
That could be Matthieu. God, he wanted it to be Matthieu.
But if Matthieu couldn’t drop those final walls and let him in, how much longer could Kieran keep doing this before he brokecompletely? Before he became little more than a shell of a man, someone who gave everything and got nothing in return.
It took everything he had to pull back. He ran his fingers through Matthieu’s hair, memorizing the gorgeous lines of his face as if this might be the last time he’d see them up close.
Then he said words he never thought he could. “This isn’t working for me anymore, Matty.”
Matthieu looked at him, his brows furrowed in confusion. An icy silence settled between them as Matthieu tried to make sense of Kieran’s words. With a defeated sigh, Matthieu dropped his hand from the back of Kieran’s neck. It fell to his side as he took a long step back. Kieran fought the urge to follow.
“Okay.” He nodded toward the door as if to say,Off you go, then.It killed Kieran how quickly, how willingly, with no questions at all, Matthieu was letting him go.
Maybe that should’ve been his answer, but if he was losing Matthieu for good, he needed to lay down all his cards.
“I can’t keep hooking up with you, pretending it doesn’t mean anything, pretending you don’t mean anything, that I’m not hopelessly in love with you, because…” Kieran swallowed hard. This was his one shot. The hope was already thin, and if he couldn’t show Matthieu how much he meant, there was no point trying at all. “I never stopped loving you. Never stopped hoping. Even as a decade passed, I kept dreaming about the day I might see you again—might get another chance.”
“Why are you saying this?”
Kieran’s hands shook. He pressed them to his chest as if that could hold him together long enough to get through this.
“Because I can’t fucking do this, Matty.” Each word scraped his throat as he spoke. “The cost is too high.” He shook his head, swallowing hard. “It’s killing me.”
He searched Matthieu’s face, but what he found only made his chest tighten: confusion, disbelief, and something Kieran couldn’t even name.
“I thought…” Kieran dragged a hand through his hair and let out a bitter, broken laugh. “I thought maybe having your body would be enough, that it would burn it out of me—this sick, fucking desperate way I need you.”
He let the silence stretch, heavy between them, waiting for Matthieu to say something, anything. All he got was the same unreadable stare.
“It doesn’t fix anything. It makes it worse. I feel like I’m bleeding from the inside, Matty. I’m fucking raw.”
He stepped toward Matthieu, reckless maybe, but he couldn’t stop—not even if it was about to destroy him. Matthieu matched him, one step back, equal or greater.
“I want all of you,” Kieran said, cracking open. “Not just your body. I want your bad days and your good ones. I want to hold you when you’re hurting and laugh with you when you’re happy. I want to be the one you come home to.”
He bit down hard, forcing the words before they lodged in his throat.
“I want you in my bed, in my arms, in my life, in every part of it. I can’t…” He whispered, each word trembling. “I can’t keep standing this close to you, feeling everything I feel, and not be allowed to love you.”
Matthieu looked at him, tears welling in his eyes. “That’s not fair.”
“I know. I know I said it didn’t have to mean anything. I think I meant it—or maybe I was hoping I did. I don’t know. Things have changed for me, Matthieu. I can’t keep having you in fractions. If you truly don’t feel the same, then tell me so I can have even a glimmer of hope at being free.”
“Then why did you do it?” Matthieu demanded, his voice raw.
Kieran blinked. “Do what?”
“Why did you fuck Petrov behind my back?”
The words hit Kieran like a slap. He stared at Matthieu, stunned. Matthieu’s chest heaved, his fists clenched at his sides.
“Matty—” Kieran shook his head, struggling to understand why this was coming up now. “You hadn’t spoken to me in over a year. That’s not behind your back; I never thought I’d see you again.”
Matthieu let out a sharp, bitter laugh, the sound slicing between them. He stepped back, as if being near Kieran physically hurt.
