Page 44 of The Official Problem
“Do you want my advice as your agent or friend?”
“Is the advice different?”
“No. Just hopefully how you receive it.”
Cole gave him the kind of look doting fathers spent decades perfecting, a face that said,I love you despite you being an idiot. It was one Kieran had been given countless times before.
“You have to end this.”
Boy, did Kieran know it. But he wouldn’t. Over the last ten years, he’d let himself go numb to the pain Matthieu’s sudden absence left behind, to the cavernous space in his chest Matthieu had once filled. He’d spent years trying to fill that hole, pouring cheap hookups and sex with Ivan into it, hoping it might close off some of the emptiness inside him. All he’d done was dull the ache. It was like taking on a groin strain with nothing but drugstore-brand Tylenol.
He knew he couldn’t have Matthieu again, not in all the ways he wanted or needed. But he could steal these small moments. Hoard them like precious stones. Take them out when he felt lonely. Turn them over in his palm, examine them, relive them. Pretend Matthieu was out there doing the same, wanting the same things.
It was foolish. He knew that. Still, he was powerless to do what needed to be done. The moment he made that proposition in the supply closet, Kieran had put his entire existence backat Matthieu’s mercy. Maybe even before that. Maybe it was the moment he didn’t fight back in March, when he let Matthieu’s current pull him under.
“I don’t think I can,” Kieran admitted carefully. He weighed the words on his tongue, each one impossible as it left him, a sad, pathetic confession. “I don’t think I ever stopped loving him, Cole.”
“Loving? Kieran…”
Kieran looked down at his hands, debating how much he should tell Cole. He’d already revealed the worst of it; maybe the details were his only saving grace. It wasn’t like he had anyone else to share this with. His teammates couldn’t know. His family wouldn’t care. He had plenty of friends, but they all played in or worked for the league. Even if Cole didn’t want the role, he was Kieran’s only option.
“We played together back in college, at Michigan. It was love at first sight—for me, anyway.”
At the time, he’d been sure it was the same for Matthieu. They’d been damn inseparable, on and off the ice. They roomed together on road trips and studied together most nights, despite having zero classes in common. They’d kissed, laughed, fucked, and been so goddamn in love that the memory now made Kieran nauseous from the sweetness of it all.
“It sounds delusional, but I thought he was the one for me.”
“At twenty-one?” Cole’s tone had softened, almost like he believed him.
“We were young, and it would’ve been hard, especially once I went to LA. I would’ve done anything to make him happy.” Wasn’t that still the truth?
“So what happened?”
“He didn’t want to come out to the team. He thought it would cause problems.” He laughed because, ultimately, Matthieu had been right, and that still sickened him. “But when Petrov cameout publicly, I couldn’t stand there and let my teammates say all that vile shit. So I came out, and well… you remember how that went.”
Cole muttered something under his breath. Kieran knew he was reliving that phone call, the one he’d made hours after it all went down. Kieran had begged him to talk to Coach Edstrom about reporting to the team early. He could tell Cole hadn’t known what to say. It was out of his wheelhouse, but he’d been there when no one else had. He was the one who’d helped Kieran put himself back together.
“I knew Matthieu would be angry that I didn’t talk to him before coming out. I kept him out of it. Made sure the team only knew about me. I’d never out someone like that. I guess he felt betrayed. By the time I got to his dorm the next day…”
He’d always beat himself up for taking so long. Dealing with the team, the coach, and calling Cole had taken hours. He’d been drained by the time it was over and crawled into bed instead of making Matthieu the priority he should’ve been.
“…he was gone. All his stuff, too. He wouldn’t answer my calls or my texts. I didn’t see or hear from him again until March.”
Cole’s hand closed over Kieran’s, where it tapped restlessly on the tabletop. The act was so paternal. So calming. So incredibly Cole.
“Unfortunately,” Cole said slowly, knowing full well Kieran wasn’t in a place to hear this, but they both knew it had to be said. “I think all that proves is how bad an idea being involved with him is.”
“That’s the problem, though. We aren’t even involved. It’s just sex. Incredible, mind-blowing…”
“I really do not need to know.”
“Fair. But I have to play by his rules. We can’t hang out. Can’t talk outside of what we’re doing. And whenever I see him, he acts like I don’t even exist.”
“Then this is the best time to end it. Cut him out before you pass the point of no return.”
Kieran had sailed past that point the second he kissed him all those weeks ago.
“It’ll hurt, but ending it now will hurt less and help you avoid a PR nightmare when you inevitably get caught. You will get caught, Kieran. I like to think I’m a damn good agent, but even I can’t make the fallout from a scandal like that disappear.”
