Page 28 of The Official Problem
He scrubbed his hands over his face, like that might drag him out of whatever spiral he’d fallen into. Truth was, he hadn’t been sleeping. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Kieran’s face, thought about the way he’d thrust into his hot, perfect mouth as he took and took and took what he needed. He didn’t know what scared him more: that he had it in him to take like that, to force himself on someone… or that Kieran had let him. That Kieran had wanted it, maybe even liked it, despite his broken little sounds and the way he’d begged him to stop.
Which was insane. Matthieu knew that.
What he’d done to Kieran was disgusting. Degrading. And—let’s not forget—illegal. He half expected the next knock on the door to be the cops, here to haul him off. He was pretty sure he was slowly losing his grip on reality. The monster he’d been inthat moment scared the hell out of him, or at least, he thought it should. Maybe that was just him now.
He answered before the call could go to voicemail, holding the phone to his ear without saying a word. Julie, long used to his silent answering, chimed in cheerfully, “Bonsoir!”
“What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Sick?” He didn’t bother to hide his panic.
“What? No, Matthieu. Jeez, I wanted to chat.” The sunshine in her voice faded in under a second; he had that effect on people lately.
When exactly had he become the kind of person who sucked the joy out of everyone? Julie didn’t deserve that. She was pure light, the only warmth that had ever pierced through the bleak mess of their childhood.
“Sorry. Didn’t sleep much. Tell me about school while I make coffee. How are classes going? Alexei’s been asking about you.”
“Alexei!” Julie practically screamed into his ear. “Tell that gorgeous specimen I said hello, and that one day, I’d like to lick him.”
Matthieu scoffed, hoping she could hear the eye roll. “Not a chance in hell I’m telling him that.”
“Fine.” Julie sighed, loud and theatrical, then launched into a winding story about one of her professors, the Arc de Triomphe, and a Vespa.
It didn’t take long before Matthieu found himself laughing too, the sour mood cracking just enough to let a little light in. That was the thing about Julie; her warmth didn’t just comfort, it cut straight through the shadows and made him feel human again. He missed her more than he could say and ached for her to come home.
That had to be it, right? The mood swings. The hopelessness. The choking, all-consuming pressure. He’d gotten used to Julie canceling out the worst parts of him. With her thousands ofmiles away, they were creeping back in. That had to be all it was. She’d come back soon, and life would go back to normal—or whatever passed for normal.
“…then the guy buys ten kilograms by mistake, thinking it was pounds. I swear, he’s completely clueless. Long story short, I’ve been living on Brie for a week. I don’t think I’ve ever been this bloated.”
She paused, clearly waiting for a response. Matthieu had drifted so far into his head that he had no idea what they were talking about anymore, but he was almost certain she’d moved on from drunk professors on Vespas.
He defaulted to a safe response. “Ten pounds still seems like way too much Brie.”
“That’s what I said!” Julie laughed, apparently satisfied with his answer.
“So, what’s new with you, brother? How’s the season? Any more run-ins with what’s-his-name?”
Kieran fucking Lloyd. The name haunted him even after a week.
“Fine. Barely seen him.” Except in every goddamn nightmare. “Been busy. Feels like I’ve spent more time on planes than on the ice.”
Julie hummed, and the pause that followed set off every internal alarm he had. Matthieu felt a weight coil in his gut. Whatever was coming, he wouldn’t like it.
“I needed to ask you something before you go.”
She needed more money, Matthieu guessed—the one thing he didn’t have.
“This program’s been incredible, Matthieu. I’m learning so much, finally seeing the world like I always dreamed. It’s easier to focus over here, away from the chaos of New York and…” Julie trailed off.Away from Mom.
“I want to extend for another semester. I know it’s expensive, and the scholarship barely covers anything, but Dr. Moreau mentioned a grant. It could cover housing, maybe groceries too. That would help… right?”
Matthieu pulled the phone away, sighing loudly. Everything Julie had managed to calm in him over the past ten minutes came flooding back in. His sad, pathetic bank account couldn’t cover rent, let alone bankroll another semester of baguettes and overpriced textbooks. He couldn’t say no to Julie, though. He’d find a way.
“Yeah, Julebug,” he said, dusting off the childhood pet name. “That’ll help. Apply for it. Tell me when the payment’s due. I’ll figure it out.”
Maybe he’d take out a loan, the one thing he’d managed to avoid all these years.
Julie squealed. “I knew I could count on you, big brother! When I’m home, I’ll get a job right away, even if it’s waiting tables. I’ll pay you back, I promise. Every cent.”
“You’ll do no such thing.” The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. “It’s the least I can do.”
