Page 64 of Salvaged Heart
“I got through my withdrawal last time because of you.”
“The doctor said it wouldn’t be as bad this time.”
“You’re not listening. I got through it because I found something else to shift my addictive behaviors to.”
He wasn’t making any sense.
“I let you become my entire world, even though it was just for a short time. I became so addicted to the thought of you, being with you, that when you ran after Laurel instead of me, it felt like my whole world had been ripped away. I allowed myself to become dependent on you, and when I thought you were gone, it broke me so completely that I didn’t want to live anymore.”
“It was just one slip…”
“No, Beck, it was intentional.”
Those words were enough to cause the dam to break finally. Tears, thick and hot, rolled down my cheeks, and I desperately tried to wipe them away. Dr. White, the nurses, and even Laurel had shared their suspicions that Anders had intended to die, but I’d refused to believe it until the words were falling from his mouth.
“I knew where you hid those drugs. I found them earlier that day and came downstairs to tell you to get rid of them before temptation became too much. Then I saw you in the kitchen, and suddenly that didn’t matter. The need to put my hands on you, be loved by you was greater.”
I closed my eyes tight, remembering the look on his face when he had walked back into the kitchen, the desperation in the way he'd kissed me.
If I had only known.
If I had only asked.
“But I think the truth is, deep down, I didn’t tell you because I needed an out. I was too wrapped up in you, and if you rejected me or didn’t feel the way I felt about you, then I didn’t want to continue living.”
“I do, though, I do feel the same…Heck, Anders, I’m in love with you.”
He didn’t even pause at the confession.
“Don’t you see, though, that’s not healthy behavior. I can’t put that on you. You can’t live your life thinking that if you left, I would overdose again. That’s too much to put on another person.”
But I would gladly carry that burden. “I’m not scared about that. I know things between us are new, but something about us, Anders, feels eternal. Like this was always meant to happen.”
My voice was coming out more pleading than I would like, but he needed to understand being without him wasn't an option for me. I needed him to know he was shattering my heart into a million pieces. Less than forty-eight hours ago, I’d held him in my arms, thinking it would be the last time I would ever get to. I’d begged then, too, practically groveled, to whatever higher power was listening that he wouldn’t die. That his end wouldn’t be the same as Jonah’s, that I wouldn’t suffer the same fate as Anders had—having to continue while half of my soul was buriedsix feet under. Now he was sitting there, alive and on the way to being well, telling me those fears were coming true, regardless. That while his heart might still be beating, I no longer had the privilege of being loved by it.
“You can’t mean that. What if six months from now, a year, or ten, you decide you don’t want me anymore? What if I make you unhappy and you want to leave? Could you truly walk away knowing that might be the thing that broke me? I know you, Beck, you couldn’t. You would stay and choose to be unhappy because you wouldn’t be able to live with the consequences of choosing yourself.”
“Anders, please…I can wait. I understand you think you need to do this alone. I can respect that. But there is no outcome I can entertain where we don’t end up together.”
The second the words left my mouth, I knew I'd taken it too far. I could see Anders pulling those old familiar walls up around his heart in real time. A cold, emotionless look clicked into place over his features. Whatever he said next would be designed to cut me to the bone, to push me so far away from him that I wouldn’t want to come back. He'd made up his mind. He wanted me out of his life, whether it was for the best or not, and there was nothing left for me to say that would change his mind.
“What don’t you understand here, Beck? I don’t want you to wait. I don’t want the same future you do.”
“Anders…”
“I mean it. You need to leave now and don’t look back. Don’t even think of me. I won’t be thinking about you.”
That was it. I couldn’t listen to his words anymore. I surged forward, grabbing him, one arm holding him tight to me around his back, the other hand angling his face to force him to meet my eyes. He went stiff as a board in my arms, a look of complete fear shuttering his features. Shit, I was scaring him. He tried to pull away, but I couldn’t let him go, not until he listened, not untilhe understood. I was powerless to do anything other than hold him tightly and refuse to let him go. He gripped the tops of my arms, fingertips digging into my skin so hard it was sure to leave a bruise.
Shit, shit, shit.
“I love you, Anders.”
An abrupt knock came at the door, and I quickly released him, knowing exactly how it looked. The last thing I needed was to be escorted out by security.
“Is everything okay in here, Anderson?” A nurse said from the doorway. She watched, concerned, as he backed further away from me, pulling the hospital sheets that had come loose back up over his legs.
“Beck was just leaving,” He answered.
