Page 48 of Salvaged Heart
Beck announced the news was worthy of splurging on tacos for dinner, and we found ourselves in a small Mexican restaurant overlooking the lake. It was the sort of kitschy place that hung piñatas from the ceiling and placed a sombrero on your head while loudly singing and clapping along to Happy Birthday in broken Spanish. But the food was heaven. Everything was salty, cheesy, and just all-around good for the soul. That, combined with how Beck had been flashing devastating smiles at me all evening, had left me buzzing in my seat.
“How do you make eating tacos look like an orgasmic experience?”
His abrupt words caused me to inhale what was supposed to be my next bite of food. I choked it down, fighting back tears that threatened to roll down my face. My entire throat burned. Beck just continued to sit there, an amused grin plastered across his gorgeous face, not in the least bit concerned that I was gasping for air.
“I’m sorry, what now?” I finally managed to get out once I was done fighting for my life.
“I swear your eyes rolled back in your head on that last bite. It was quite pornographic, kind of a turn-on.”
I shot him a stern look. “What’s gotten into you today?”
“What do you mean?”
“First, you introduce yourself as my partner to that nurse, then outright tell Dr. White that you want to have sex with me, and now you are blatantly hitting on me in a family restaurant.”
The whole thing was screwing with my head. Beck was the most affectionate person I knew. He constantly sought physical touch, whether it was grabbing my hand, cuddling, or even the early morning kisses he pressed to my forehead when he thought I was fast asleep. But that was just how Beck was. He had been that way with Laurel, too,hadn’t he? I searched my memory bank for evidence of how it had been with them together. Things were hazy at best, but I came up empty-handed. Sure, they hugged and kissed, but he hadn’t gravitated toward her like he seemed to gravitate toward me. When I entered a room, it was like he sensed it coming and immediately turned the full weight of his attention to me, no matter what he was busy with.
Then there were the things he said to me. The casual way I’d catch him checking me out. The way he’d pulled me into his chest earlier when I had been on the verge of panic. He hadn’t made a big deal of it or fussed over me. He’d just held me in his arms until I had been strong enough to pull away again. It was almost like he wanted all of me, not just the good but all my mess, too.
“I’m flirting with you.”
“Flirting.”
But Beck was straight. No, not straight. What had he said?I don’t think gender has ever been important to me.So, Bi, then?Pan, maybe?It’s always been about something deeper.Demi? Did it even matter?
“Yes, Anders flirting. You should know. You used to do it all the time when we first met.”
“High Anders would flirt with a telephone pole if he thought it was looking at him a certain way. I’m not sure that’s much to go on.”
His face dropped.
“Shit, I’m sorry that came out wrong.”
Beck sighed, meeting my eyes. The sincerity in his expression was enough to flay me alive.
“Anders, I’m trying to make it clear how I feel about you. I might not be going about it the right way, or maybe I am jumping way ahead of the gun here and misreading all the signals I think you’re sending me, but I really like you. I want to get to know you, I want to make you laugh, I want to date you…”
“You want to date me?”
“If you’ll let me. I want to take you to the movies and lay with you under the stars. I want to buy you flowers or whatever the guy equivalent is. I want to eat tacos with you in offensively themed restaurants, and above all else, I want to flirt openly with you because I am becoming completely addicted to how your cheeks get all flushed when I do it.”
Words were, yet again, failing me. He was saying exactly how he felt, but it didn’t leave me any less confused. Beck was the kind of guy who could have any girl, or I guess guy, he wanted. Sure, it hadn’t worked out with Laurel, but he was the sort of person people dreamed of having as their partner. Intelligent, driven, talented, athletic, funny, impossibly kind, and heart-stoppingly handsome. He would go to great places in his life, but here he was, continuing to waste his time with me. It didn’t make any sense.
“Tell me if I’m getting this all wrong.”
“You’re not. I want all that, too.” There was the truth. I wanted all those things he'd said, and most importantly, I wanted them with him.I just didn’t deserve them.
“Then stop resisting. I understand your concerns medically, and that’s all good to go. I understand you’ll need to take things slow physically and might not ever be ready for certain things, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to get to know your heart, Anders. If hand jobs in bar alleyways are all you can give me, I’m content with that.”
“You can’t possibly mean that?”No one ever did.
“But I do, Anders. Please let me show you.”
I stared at my hands, picking at the skin around my nails, chewing what felt like a hole through my lip. I wasn’t good at taking people at their word. I'd been fucked over one too many times in the past, but there had been a time when I had been open with my heart. I’d let Jonah in after all, and those years we'd spent together had been magical, well, if you ignored how it had ended. Would I go through life trying to avoid experiencing those feelings again? All that happiness? I didn’t want to be lonely. I'd just accepted that was all I deserved.
If I allowed myself to be happy, why couldn’t that be with Beck? I hadn’t tricked him into feeling this way about me. He didn’t have to be here. He now knew all the terrible parts of me, but he hadn’t run. He was still telling me he wanted all of these things despite it.
He reached up and released my lip from where I was mangling it between my teeth, pressing the palm of his hand softly against my cheek. Then, as if reading my mind, he added, “You deserve good things, Anders. Let me be your good thing.”
