Page 40 of Salvaged Heart
“Okay,” I nodded. There was nothing I could say to change his mind. I knew that. It would be selfish of me even to try. “I’ll apply there, too,” I promised.
Nineteen…
Jonah ranto me in the arrivals terminal, arms spread wide, scooping me up as he barreled into me and held me close. We kissed like we'd been separated for a lifetime—in many ways, it felt like we had—until a woman scoffed something homophobic off to our side, and we broke apart.
“I missed…”
“I know.” He teased, but I’d needed to hear at that moment how fiercely he missed me, too. I knew he had new friends in California. I knew he'd been sleeping around. But now that he was back home, he was mine. I’d hoped he could at least pretend being apart from me had hurt him as badly as it had hurt me. “Let’s drive out to our spot.”
“Okay.”
He was different.I hadn’t noticed earlier in the airport, but now he was sitting in front of me, legs stretched out, head tipped back, looking up to the stars, a cigarette between his lips, I could see it. He was skinnier, wired, overflowing with a restless energy I’d never seen in him. When we’d had sex earlier, it wasn’t like it had been before. It was rushed and impersonal, and it felt like I was just another body to him instead of the precious gift he’d made me feel like all those times before.
I didn’t like this version of him. I wanted the boy who’d sobbed into my shoulder as we’d said goodbye—the boy who had blown me kisses from the other side of airport security. The man who had come back to me was all wrong.
“You’re making a bigger deal out of this than you need to, Anders.” I couldn’t remember the last time he'd used my name instead of babe or baby or sweetheart… “When you come to college, you’ll learn everyone gets high. You’ll realize how stupid you’re being about this.”
“We get high all the time.” I bit back at him, but that was weed. Weed was safe. This was not.
“Exactly. I don’t see what the difference is.”
“That will kill you.”
“Anders.” He leveled me with a look that would have convinced me to do anything he asked. “Just try it once, that’sall I’m saying. You could use something to help you relax. You’re all bent out of shape.”
I was stressed. I was working my ass off to get into that stupid college he went to. There were only a few more months before I could apply for early admission, and if I lost focus now, all hope of us being at the same school together would be lost. However, I was starting to think he no longer wanted me to join him out there. He’d grown up. He’d changed. If I’d any hope of keeping him in my life, keeping him interested, I’d have to grow and change, too.
I took the pill.
If we only had the summer together, I’d do whatever he wanted.
If only Icould turn back time.
20
BECKHAM
AUGUST
Anders hadn’t been himself for days. He worked quietly and usually alone, disappearing for smoke breaks that took hours, picking at his food and poking the rest of it around his plate. He kept conversation to a minimum, and his voice was tired and brittle when he spoke. Whenever I reached to comfort him in the way he usually gravitated to, he’d shy away, making up any excuse to put distance between us.
Kara told me the shift in temperament was typical. “Just give him time,” she said. “Don’t press him, but continue to let him know you’re there for him when he needs you.”
But despite how many times I tried to reassure myself that she was right, something nibbled away in the back of my brain. Something wasn’t right. He was pulling back into himself. How long would it be until he broke? It was like I was on a beach of loose, fluffy sand, trying to hold it all within my palms, but no matter how tightly my fingers pressed together, the grains continued to fall. The more attention I gave him, the more he was slipping away.
Even now, he was sitting on the back porch overlooking the lake, his eyes glassy like he was seeing things I couldn't. His facewas haunted and pale, his body so thin. I wanted to go to him so badly, pull him into my arms, and fight away all the demons that haunted him, to build a bubble around him to keep all the bad stuff at bay. But the bad stuff was in his mind, and I could do nothing to vanquish it.
“Just keep showing up. Keep being a safe space for him, and he’ll talk when he’s ready.”
Kara was right. I needed to bide my time and wait for him to come to me or talk in the group. But as each silent day drifted by, each night passed where he clung to the edge of the bed, not seeking me in the middle of the night like he usually did, and my restlessness grew. I would not lose him to this. I had to do something.
“Let’s go somewhere.” I wasn’t sure when I had moved to his side, and by the way he jumped at my voice, he hadn’t heard me move either.
“We have too much to do.” He didn’t look at me, pretending to be entertained by rolling his thirty-day sobriety coin between his fingers. These days, he clung to it like letting the reminder out of sight even for a moment would undo all his hard work.
“Yeah, but we can afford a day off. Kara told me there are some great hiking trails about forty-five minutes from here. We could take the bike out if you're up for it.”
Silence.
